The Turk

Three years ago, June,

it was a cold night, and I was going to the central station to pick up this Turkish guy I met two days ago. I spent the day with him and his friends, and then he went back to his friend's place where he was staying. Then at 10pm he decided to come and see me, from a really distant sburb of Sydney. He had to take a train ride of 50 minutes. I found him at the railway square, I was so happy to see him again. All day I was so wanting to touch him and kiss him, but I could not, cause his friends were with him, and they did not know he is gay. But I knew it!

We went to my place, we had couple of drinks at the backyard, talked and laughed non-stop, and then finally felt sleepy. I said he could sleep on the couch or with me, he said he will sleep with me. We were both a bit tipsy. I put on Mercan Dede, he creates the most relaxing ethnic music, The Turk said he loves the music. He gave me a foot massage, that was my first foot massage from a man. I had not realized that a foot massage could be so sexy. We kissed. We connected really well. Sex was amazing. then couple of times in the middle of the night--not much sleep.

6 years ago, July
He was born and grown up in Melbourne, and after Uni he went to Turkey to work in media, he was script writer for the highest rated show in Turkey, and he also had couple of acting roles, and appeared on TV. I was about 24 when I first saw him in Turkey, I was walking on this street where the popular shops are, and I a gay friend with this gorgeous guy next to him. Good reason to stop and say hi, and I did. He was just beatiful, I was so excited looking at him, but of course at the time I could not say anything to him. I was trying to keep the conversation with my friend longer so that I can have him in my sight. I met this girl, Eli, who was the closest to the Turk, she was living in Sydney at the time, and she said I should call her when I get to Sydney. I said sure--took her number and did not see them again. I was hearing about the Turk, that he was sleeping around with people I know in Istanbul, and I was sometimes seeing him on TV.

Then I came to Sydney to start my PhD. One day I went on a harbour cruise with some Turks. A girl approached to me and said, we might have met years ago, in Turkey. I looked at her and said sorry I cannot remember. Then she reminded me about the Turk and my friend who was with them. There we go...I never called Eli but she appeared again. and the connection to the Turk!

3 years ago, June
Eli called me one day and said that the Turk is visiting Sydney. She said that we should all catch up. Eli being the ex-girlfriend did not know the Turk was gay, because he never told her, and neither to his family. So I had to be careful. We met at the Cargo Bar, it was a sunday evening, and I was so excited to see him again. He he did remember meeting me 3 years ago, I thought that s good sign. I could feel he was so uncomfortable with my presence and all his friends in Sydney--who do not know about his sexual identity. I tried to keep my mouth shut.

When I went home and get into my bed, I still remember so vividly that I wanted to kiss him, oh my God, I was dreaming about him. I promised myself that I am going to create a situation where we can be alone, and somehow convince him to spend time with me. Next day I called Eli, and asked about the daily plans. I squeezed myself into the plans, left Uni and met them in Glebe. We went to the park at the end of the Glebe Point Road. We took some pictures there, I still have them. Then I invited them to my place, but Eli insisted that they had to go back. I knew the Turk did not want to go back. I took his number and said that we all should do the Coogee to Bondi walk the next day.

I was so obsessed with this guy all afternoon and evening. I sms ed him, said that we can go out (on a monday night). and at 10 pm he said he was catching the train to come to the Central station...

We had two wonderful days, and then it was over. He went back to Turkey. We talked about meeting somewhere in the middle (Thailand) in 6 months.

Eli came to talk to me the week after the Turk left. She asked me about the night we went out. I said he stayed here in my house. She asked if we slept together. and I said YES. She got neurotic, dissapointed, furious, how come he did not tell her that he is gay! A week later I got an email from the Turk, that I should not have told Eli about that night and bla bla, he said he could not trust me and that he did not wanna talk to me again. What a drama!

Last year, July
I was at the Istanbul airport. The Turk knew I was going to come early in the morning, I was so excited to see him again. My mobile rings he says that I should catch the shuttle, he could not wake up because he could not sleep last night. This is not a good start. I met him in Taksim, he did not change at all, he looked slimmer to me, after my eyes got used to the gym bunnies in Sydney. We had breakfast by the Bosphorous, he asked me about my boyfriend, and I asked him about his boyfriend. He said they broke up but still living together, well I know how it is, you just dont stop having sex, even when you live in different rooms of the house. I told him to get a grip on his life, to kick the ex-bf out. He said he cant.
I told him that I have been with Dan for the last two years and that we have a committed relationship and that he is very important in my life. Then suddenly I told him that I never felt the same feelings to anyone in the last three years, and that I was not really in love with my BF. Oh What a relief!

we went to a hotel room and stayed there for two days. Third day I had to leave. So he was the one who was left behind this time. Ha ha. He called me everyday for two months. It was madness. I was back with my BF in Syndey and he was in Istanbul. I did not want to have sex with my BF, continously thinking about the Turk, while my BF was saying how much he missed me ...What a torture. My BF arranged a welcome back party for me, the day I arrived, oh it was so cute--He invited all of my friends beforehand and prepared Sangria etc. But i was feeling to distant, couldnt help it--and trying to find ways to get away from him. I was cold to him, but he did not do anything about it, he was not a drama queen. He did not even ask me what was wrong. He kept on living his life.

Then I had to make a choice. Dan or the Turk? The Turk promised me that he was moving to Sydney in three months, permanently. He made all his plans. He said he bought his ticket, he was trying to sell his furniture, looking for jobs on mycareer.com. And I was so confused. Shall dump my BF who has been loyal and nice to me for the last 2 years, or shall I trust the inconsistent Turk and live full on this passionate attraction? I did not want him to come to Sydney for me. I said if you want to change your life, the reason should not be me. You have to take the responsibility of this decision, and look after yourself. You have to be strong if I do not break up with my BF when you come here. I did not want him to cling to me, to expect my love and attention. I was so scared. I was scared that I would be consumed in the type of passionate relationship we had. In the long term, I thought I loved my quiet, relaxed and secure relationship with my Ozzie guy, rather than the passionate, a bit of macho, demanding, jelaous and sexy Turk.

Finally I have given my decision. I told the Turk that I would not break up with Dan if he moves to Sydney. the Turk said he was coming to Sydney to start a new life, and if I would not be in that life, that s ok too. Well of course we had a bit of bitterness, jelousy, dissapointment and anger issues, but finally the Turk was out of my life.

After a month, one of our common friends said that, he decided to stay in Istanbul. Then I knew I have made the right decision. I did not want to be responsible for changing his life.

It s June again, and by the end of the month, I am going to Turkey again. Not to Istanbul this time. This common friend was online on msn today and said she wanted to see me in Turkey. then she asked whether I intend to see the Turk. I said " no more complications in my life" thanks babe. She told me his ex finally moved out from the house, and that the Turk is single and living alone and has a new job with a good salary. No no not this time :))