Attraction or a good chat?

Ok, I feel better about it today. I mean about what happened on sat night. This can happen, I mean I might like to flirt a guy and seduce him all night and go yo his place and go numb in bed and then put on my clothes, catch a cab back home. I dont have to be appropriate all the time. I dont have to make the right choices. I dont have to be responsible for other person's emotions (especially if I met this guy 4 hours ago and dont even know what he felt). I dont have to feel guilty, I dont have to feel sorry for myself because I am not having sex for the last 3 months. I keep thinking that sex is something I really need right now, these days. If you watched Madagascar, you ll remember the Lion: he was regularly fed on beef when he was in the Zoo, and when he travels to the Island, and gets hungry he starts to see all animals like a piece of beef! I sometimes feel that way. hahaha. Thank God I am not seeing my friends as pieces of beefs. No no no or not my friends' boyfriends!

Well so I was ready for it, I mean the wild sex. I was ready to remember the juicy details about it the next day and the following days. That s something I really like, recalling the sexual memories, they sometimes give me more satisfaction than the actual thing. Well, anyway I was thinking about seeing Jamie today. I might do that on wednesday, have a little chat, tell him that I was really smashed and I was really out of it. Because When I decided to leave he was worried, he asked me wht was wrong, and I said "you re not my therapist" it s ok I will sort it out. So I can catch up with him for coffee, explain the situation, be nice and friendly and check him out again maybe. I wonder how I will see him in the daylight. He might be a good friend, he is into art and design, and swimming, he is nice to talk to, so why not see him every now and then. Yeah but then, he likes me, everytime we meet he will think about making a move or probably look at me in a different way, not as a friend but more admiringly. Then I get uncomfortable, when I notice someone is into me, I feel a bit of pressure, I feel like that person is seeing someone else, not me. Being the object of Passion, infatuation, sexual attraction, what ever you call it, makes me question whether that object is me or some idealistic image the other person perceives. Well thought isnt this the definition of love in Hollywood movies and TV series? I mean one person is extremely attracted to the other on the basis of imagined personalities, that s why it works. we fall in love with some other personalitiy in two years time, because our idealized person has grown up, or changed, and another one in two years time, by possibly getting away from the ideal types which hurt, disspointed us.

My aim for saturday night was to go out, and get interested in someone, be able to talk to people unitl I found one person interesting for me. And I did. That was a goal I set up during my coaching session on Saturday afternoon. We have worked on my fear of rejection, and fear of meeting good looking guys. My porblem is, I see a guy I find attractive, the guy is good looking and charming, and that where I freeze myself. I cannot make a move to go up and say hi or even look at him. And if I do i usually say something silly (especially when I m sober- I am more confident and relaxed about things when I am tipsy) and think that I am already rejected, before giving him a chance. During the coaching session I realized that I have this pattern of thought: The attractive guy has to like me, i have to say or do something interesting that will capture his attention and finally pick him up. This scenario is very outcome oriented where the outcome is getting in his pants. The scenario has to be: I go up and talk to this guy to find out if he is really interesting, because that s what matters to me, if he is not interesting I would be bored anyway. I accept that I enjoy sex if I can connect to the person, so first I have to find out if i connect with that person. This rather different than thinking whether he will like me or not.

So saturday night, with Jamie was I was enjoying the conversation so i thought that was enough for getting more intimate. Well too bad it s not that simple. I have to be really attracted to the guy as well. Why is hard to be always honest with myself. I was having fun and a good chat and I did not stop my self going further knowing that i was not madly attracted to this guy. Was that my responsibility to stop it there ?.