About drinking

I decided to stay home on another typical saturday night. Not going out on saturday nights was unacceptable until one year ago. I used to go out for clubbing, do the drugs, or drink till I jump out of my shy personality and begin comfortably threatening other people's boundaries and eventually loose my balance. That was like the routine of saturday nights when I was living in Newtown. I remember one sunday morning I had to lecture for an intensive course, but still I did not resist the big birthday party and the yummy caprioskas at the Bank Hotel. I drank so much that night, and in the morning i had to lecture with a hangover which was obvious to everyone...I hated myself doing it. And then many times in different situations I hated myself for after-effects of drinking: saying things that should have never been said, hurting people's feelings, sometimes being aggresive, sometimes being annoyingly bubbly, therefore being destructive to myself, rather than validating myself. Not-Validating the self image I constructed in my daily-Uni-life, the self image being: responsible for what he says and writes, hard working, caring, reasonably balanced and respectful. So why was I trying to destruct this self image? because I thought it was rather boring- obviously that s still my concern as the blog suggests.

I still want to escape from my usual routine sometimes, and modify the self-image I have adopted over the years. Maybe what has changed is that I relaized the benefits of validating myself more: saying that I am allright as what I do, what I think, what I say, that I am smart, intuitve and sexy. When I validate myself and be in the environments and people who validate my self-image, I do not feel miserable after drunk nights. Because I feel more secure and comfortable, and do not feel the need to push myself to alter my personality to be likable. Now I try to validate that I am likable without drinking and extending my boundaries too much.

I still become too conscious of my drinking modes, like last Sunday when we went to Tilbury, I was having a lot of fun, feeling comfortable with my new gay friends and talking a lot/ being bubbly after 3 beers (naturally). I missed the feeling so much so I did not really care what the consequences might be, and who says I go back to my old habits? When I improved so much on my self-acceptance, there does not need to be a relapse. However I was experiencing re-cycling of ex-feelings and moods. And I found myself asking to me: do I hurt anyone's feelings? do I say something inappropriate? Well at the end, i had such a good night and met new people and had good conversation. Next morning I woke up with feelign guilty (oh the old feeling again)i was a bit paranoid about the whole night. I felt a bit depressed and I feared rejection by these new friends in case I modified my self-image?

I remembered that David was telling me: you should drink more often, you become much more fun. Ooops this is something I ve heard before many times- Scary- my ex and his friends used to say this to me but later they thhought I was emotionally offensive when I drink (so where is the line?). I remembered talking to Leo about his boyfriend, that he is nice and relaxed - all positive things- and the next thing he told me was: Keep your hands off him. Am I again picturing the whore ? what have I done wrong except for saying that his BF is gorgeous. Was it me being drunk and giving wrong signals or was it his insecurity? So yeah next morning thoughts, maybe they were probably too harsh on me, but they kept me busy for whole week.

Tonight I am going to Tilbury again, Sunday it s my off-day for diet and gym. I eat what ever I want (I had a big omlette with lots of mozerrella, put some butter on two slices of Italian bread and ate olives till I feel full), eat cakes, chocolate and I can have alcohol (what a fantastic day) in moderation!