I went on a road trip on my own. Driving in my beatiful Golf, choosing my music,stopping wherever I want, either to take a photo or to have a cup of coffee...that s freedom and I love it.
I also planned to camp - bought a tent, a sleeping bag, mat, and even a lantern. First day it rained all afternoon - and I got tired of driving and not being able to enjoy the outdoors, I booked myself a last-minute luxury resort for a very good price. My room was opening to an amazing view of a little pond and lush green. I watched the rain on my couch for hours, fell asleep, watched the ducks and the pond, fell asleep again, and then had a bath, and watched the view again. Was really good time with myself. In the morning I did a yoga session by the pond, had my buffet breakfast and i felt so ready and energized for my next day. All day I was hiking, seeing National Parks, Fitzroy Falls, Kangaroo Valley - all the tourist drives were awesome, absolutely stunning. Then I got to a camping site in Kangaroo Valley and the lady at the reception told me that there s a storm coming and if I had bever camped before, she would not reccomend a wet camping experience. I called my Uni friend who has a summer house in Nowra, and luckily he was there building a deck, he said I could stay with him, so I drove down there in half an hour via the winding road from Kangaroo Valley - God what a drive, one of the most exciting drives of my life - I definetely want to do it again!
I stayed with my friend that night and the storm did not come. Although in the morning it started raining again. I decided to go back home. My camping experience ends here :) Now I m in bondi, getting ready to watch two DVD s. Science of sleep and Knocked out.
In the last two days I realized how sad I am in general. When I m lonely and on my own I m overwhelmed by this sad feeling. I m almost mourning for something I missed or lost. First I thought it was JP - I still miss him when I think about the very short time we spent together - I do not exactly know what JP represents for me but I still miss that feeling. I mourn for my loneliness, for not being able to set up a family, for missing out having a child, set up a house, getting married, falling in love like a teenager and having naive expectations from life. I am still mourning.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
grey
I read my previous post and absolutely hated it. I sound like a teenage girl. Falling in love with this guy after having a shag, and longing for him for two months until I realize that he moved on and living his life, and then cry for myself for not moving on. How Pathetic! I am a total emotional mess.
Same thing last week. After dating and being intimate for two weeks, JP says he has a regular buddy he has sex with every week. That breaks me down and I cry. JP freaks out, thinking "what the hell is going on why this guy invested so much in this?". Then I ask him if he is going to make a choice. Cause it is not fair on me that he s dating me and having sex with another man. He finally said he would choose his buddy. Again, I ve been a mess. I thought i would be happy with JP.
I quickly and totally can loose myself in an intimacy. Whether it is sex, dating, or a serious relationship. Then reality bumps in, and after struggling for a while I get back to myself. Why does the idea of intimacy drive me crazy, take me out of my path, throw me around, make me ecstatic ? and why does it last only for short time and leave me with dissapointment? Emotions are trouble, emotions are hard to deal with. That s why people are scared to feel. That s why people are walking away from intimacy, or the idea of dissapointment. I wish i could still feel without being so intense - it almost black or white (as JP puts it) either I feel intimacy and loose myself in it, or I keep it away from my life to avoid dissapointment. Dunno yet, how to make it grey. Hmmm...
Same thing last week. After dating and being intimate for two weeks, JP says he has a regular buddy he has sex with every week. That breaks me down and I cry. JP freaks out, thinking "what the hell is going on why this guy invested so much in this?". Then I ask him if he is going to make a choice. Cause it is not fair on me that he s dating me and having sex with another man. He finally said he would choose his buddy. Again, I ve been a mess. I thought i would be happy with JP.
I quickly and totally can loose myself in an intimacy. Whether it is sex, dating, or a serious relationship. Then reality bumps in, and after struggling for a while I get back to myself. Why does the idea of intimacy drive me crazy, take me out of my path, throw me around, make me ecstatic ? and why does it last only for short time and leave me with dissapointment? Emotions are trouble, emotions are hard to deal with. That s why people are scared to feel. That s why people are walking away from intimacy, or the idea of dissapointment. I wish i could still feel without being so intense - it almost black or white (as JP puts it) either I feel intimacy and loose myself in it, or I keep it away from my life to avoid dissapointment. Dunno yet, how to make it grey. Hmmm...
Monday, November 19, 2007
since July
Oh my god, it s been a long time. My last post must be about the French Canadian I had a lust for. Now I know that lust was quite strong cause when he sent me an email in September I was shattered: "...summer has been really wild for me and I've been really busy. I met a fantastic guy with whom I spent the summer and still with him. He is simply marvellous. We went to New-York and Ogunquiet in Maine together". The email goes on and on but I focused only to this part and felt pain in my chest; to repress the pain, I rationalized it... well of course he s going to be with someone, I was not there, and he s a gorgeous guy...so why havent I been with anyone for the last two months? the pain comes back.
I was even looking for ways to go back to Montreal, looking at universities, scholarships etc. Just after I arrived Sydney, I was very very sick for a week. I had some time for contemplation then. My conclusion was: I was making myself sick cause I did not wanna be in Sydney but next to the guy I fell in live with - my heart and my body were in remote locations :). Then I talked to myself and asked my heart to come back to me, and it did...with considerable resentment. Then I spent some time to deal with the resentment.
Later on, I read this email. I talked to my best-girl, she said so many rational stuff, that made sense, and calmed me down. Then I sat on my bed and cried for that guy (or for me). I accepted that he was gone (only after two months!).
I belive sickness is related to mind (most of the time). If i contemplate and find the reason why, and accept the situation, then I recover faster. If I do not accept the situation, then it takes ages to recover.
Since July, I have not been sick...untill yesterday. I was in bed all saturday night and sunday, having a serious throat infection -my typical sickness caused by the mismatch between my mind and my heart.
I have been dating a guy with a French name, I ll call him JP. It s been only two official dates, but I guess my heart went a bit faster (as it does) and my mind was trying to balance my feelings sometimes in favor of sometimes resisting this whole experience. When I resist I find many good reasons not to be with someone - this a survival kit when my heart goes fast, or when someone comes too close. Funny that I seek male intimacy for months (sometimes years) and when I find the potential, I resist to it. Typically I refused a relationship with the Turk when he was finally there for me.
Talking to my therapist last friday, he told me keep an eye on my feelings, and not to idealize the guy i m dating with into some image that he is not. He told me to be my Self and Not to Fake it. Do you sometimes fake? I think gay males are good performers, we learn to fake from an early age (who we are, what we should say etc).
With JP, things are going slower (than my previous ones). we talk, and spend time together and there are still boundaries - distances, we only kissed and did not sleep together yet. Actually it feels nice not to jump into an intensity - although my body craves to create intensity - my heart is almost scared. When does my heart know?
I was even looking for ways to go back to Montreal, looking at universities, scholarships etc. Just after I arrived Sydney, I was very very sick for a week. I had some time for contemplation then. My conclusion was: I was making myself sick cause I did not wanna be in Sydney but next to the guy I fell in live with - my heart and my body were in remote locations :). Then I talked to myself and asked my heart to come back to me, and it did...with considerable resentment. Then I spent some time to deal with the resentment.
Later on, I read this email. I talked to my best-girl, she said so many rational stuff, that made sense, and calmed me down. Then I sat on my bed and cried for that guy (or for me). I accepted that he was gone (only after two months!).
I belive sickness is related to mind (most of the time). If i contemplate and find the reason why, and accept the situation, then I recover faster. If I do not accept the situation, then it takes ages to recover.
Since July, I have not been sick...untill yesterday. I was in bed all saturday night and sunday, having a serious throat infection -my typical sickness caused by the mismatch between my mind and my heart.
I have been dating a guy with a French name, I ll call him JP. It s been only two official dates, but I guess my heart went a bit faster (as it does) and my mind was trying to balance my feelings sometimes in favor of sometimes resisting this whole experience. When I resist I find many good reasons not to be with someone - this a survival kit when my heart goes fast, or when someone comes too close. Funny that I seek male intimacy for months (sometimes years) and when I find the potential, I resist to it. Typically I refused a relationship with the Turk when he was finally there for me.
Talking to my therapist last friday, he told me keep an eye on my feelings, and not to idealize the guy i m dating with into some image that he is not. He told me to be my Self and Not to Fake it. Do you sometimes fake? I think gay males are good performers, we learn to fake from an early age (who we are, what we should say etc).
With JP, things are going slower (than my previous ones). we talk, and spend time together and there are still boundaries - distances, we only kissed and did not sleep together yet. Actually it feels nice not to jump into an intensity - although my body craves to create intensity - my heart is almost scared. When does my heart know?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Conversations (1) about liking a guy, dating, and casual sex
Here s a conversation between a me and a friend of mine:
TT: Why do the hot ones tend to have attitude and no personality? Too much to ask for brains and a nice body?
You've reminded me that Turkiye played an important part in my coming out. I was in the process of coming out to myself in 1992. During my trip to Turkey that year, sitting on a beach on the Turquoise Coast, I thought 'being gay is not so bad. That's who I am!" I think all of the sensuality and aliveness of Turkey helped. And seeing so many good looking men! (As NSSG can tell you, I go for tall, dark and handsome.) Turkey was heaven on the eyes! Too bad I didn't meet anyone on that trip!
Me: you re very specific about what your men should look like, however life has many surprises, and a compatible, loving person may come to you in a different shape or size, that you never imagined before. I would say: give up your ideals and maybe start thinking about sensuality and liveliness. I know it s hard to find those in Sydney but it s worth chasing.
TT:Good advice. A person's soul is far more important to me. Having said that, the serious relationships I have had with spiritual, intellectual, caring men just all happened to have a Latino/Mediterranean look. I fall in love with a person, not a look, but it's important to know what turns you on. I've never really been into casual dating, which I'm trying to overcome. But not too many changes at once :) Have a good day.
Me:Casual dating? I m terrible with that. Although the word itself is casual it doesnt feel casual at all, If m going on a date i d have expectations, and that ruins it int he first palce. I d rather not date! it makes me nervous....
TT:I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with casual dating. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of guy. I've had only two serious relationships. There was an instant connection and no doubts that we were going out. I tend to shut down if someone expresses interest in me but I'm not completely wowed. Trying to change that. But it's all very grey, as maybe some people you need to develop a friendship first before falling in love. Well, thank goodness we have NSSG as our dating advisor. He claims dating is like trying on different clothes. Good luck to both of us!
Me: Well I like the idea that dating is like trying on new clothes, however I am also a strong believer that instant connection works (at least for me). I agree there should be no doubts that two guys like each other; otherwise things start to fall apart soon.
I prefer to have sex as quickly as possible If I am attracted to someone, and when it is delayed I loose my trust that the relationship is going to work or that the guy likes me. Obviously having sex is so important for us to validate the intimacy level of a realtionship. Then how do you become friends before falling in love? I would have already lost my trust that it is going to be a love relationship if the guy becomes my friend.
TT: For me, if I really like someone, I'd rather wait to have sex, even if it's only a couple of dates. I'm a hopeless romantic and I guess I don't want to rush into all of the emotions that come with sex. Take a little while to get to know them first. But of course there are the hook-ups which I suppose could develop into something more. Then again, I've only had two serious relationships, and all of the other casual sex has been on business trips, saunas. beats, so there was never any potential for a relationship. You've given me something to think about.
That s all for now
TT: Why do the hot ones tend to have attitude and no personality? Too much to ask for brains and a nice body?
You've reminded me that Turkiye played an important part in my coming out. I was in the process of coming out to myself in 1992. During my trip to Turkey that year, sitting on a beach on the Turquoise Coast, I thought 'being gay is not so bad. That's who I am!" I think all of the sensuality and aliveness of Turkey helped. And seeing so many good looking men! (As NSSG can tell you, I go for tall, dark and handsome.) Turkey was heaven on the eyes! Too bad I didn't meet anyone on that trip!
Me: you re very specific about what your men should look like, however life has many surprises, and a compatible, loving person may come to you in a different shape or size, that you never imagined before. I would say: give up your ideals and maybe start thinking about sensuality and liveliness. I know it s hard to find those in Sydney but it s worth chasing.
TT:Good advice. A person's soul is far more important to me. Having said that, the serious relationships I have had with spiritual, intellectual, caring men just all happened to have a Latino/Mediterranean look. I fall in love with a person, not a look, but it's important to know what turns you on. I've never really been into casual dating, which I'm trying to overcome. But not too many changes at once :) Have a good day.
Me:Casual dating? I m terrible with that. Although the word itself is casual it doesnt feel casual at all, If m going on a date i d have expectations, and that ruins it int he first palce. I d rather not date! it makes me nervous....
TT:I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with casual dating. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of guy. I've had only two serious relationships. There was an instant connection and no doubts that we were going out. I tend to shut down if someone expresses interest in me but I'm not completely wowed. Trying to change that. But it's all very grey, as maybe some people you need to develop a friendship first before falling in love. Well, thank goodness we have NSSG as our dating advisor. He claims dating is like trying on different clothes. Good luck to both of us!
Me: Well I like the idea that dating is like trying on new clothes, however I am also a strong believer that instant connection works (at least for me). I agree there should be no doubts that two guys like each other; otherwise things start to fall apart soon.
I prefer to have sex as quickly as possible If I am attracted to someone, and when it is delayed I loose my trust that the relationship is going to work or that the guy likes me. Obviously having sex is so important for us to validate the intimacy level of a realtionship. Then how do you become friends before falling in love? I would have already lost my trust that it is going to be a love relationship if the guy becomes my friend.
TT: For me, if I really like someone, I'd rather wait to have sex, even if it's only a couple of dates. I'm a hopeless romantic and I guess I don't want to rush into all of the emotions that come with sex. Take a little while to get to know them first. But of course there are the hook-ups which I suppose could develop into something more. Then again, I've only had two serious relationships, and all of the other casual sex has been on business trips, saunas. beats, so there was never any potential for a relationship. You've given me something to think about.
That s all for now
Thursday, July 05, 2007
quotes from my fav book
Some quotes from my favorite book Ramtha, That Elixir Called Love
"there is no educational system that deals with person's emotions. There isn't. There is only educational systems that deal with teaching people to be robots of manifesto of a certain criteria of how to live and how to be."
"Your whole life is about emotion. it is about feeling good. It is about feeling bad. Imagine a life where those are not comparable to one's justification of self. Can you do that? Oh you say you can, but I have people up here that couldnt even stand to live without each other."
"When you develop the body, oftentimes you strave the mind. You starve the mind for the sake of bodies, your chemical reactions, because you re a bag of chemicals, you know. You starve that for fulfillment, and you think that is living. But did it ever occur to you that maybe living is a higher order, a mind that is so sharp and so powerful it can manifest anything? Does that exclude the body? No the body becomes the perfect temple of a great masterful leader.
Does this mean you will never have sexual relationships again? No, but it means that they will be more cherished, more real, and more int he moment, and not artificial. Does it mean that you re going to miss out on business opportunities? No, it will just make you wiser, more clever and more knowing. You will be light years a head of the game. Does it mean indeed that you have missed out on seeing the world? Once you have seen the world in only a microcosm of here and there, you will realize how ignorant the world really is."
"so what do you call love? i have watched many of you define love, but you dont even know what you re talking about. It is important that you learn. Love is not about the first seal, going to bed with someone, copulating with them. That is not love; that is lust. And many of you have lusted your way into responsibility of children not even having the opportunity of having love as a many-splendored thing."
"And the reflection of love as a many splendored thing is essentially the reflection of ourself, and that when we look in this mirror, we re lookign at another entity. But the entity spontaneously puts up with its reflection that meet it on the mirror, that is smiles and we smile, that its eyes dance and our eyes dance and that when we come together, full body, and we touch, the onyl thing that separates us is that it is an illusion of our reflection. Then we are in splendor.
What does this mean? A reflection in the mirror will never be dishonest. A reflection in the mirror will never lie. A reflection in the mirror will never animate on its own. When we look at the reflection, it looks at us squarely. And even when we turn our back to glance to see if it is still there, it is looking back at us. It has no past and has no future. It is pur partner in the moment of our delight, in the moment that we celebrate some primeval, celestial place."
"there is no educational system that deals with person's emotions. There isn't. There is only educational systems that deal with teaching people to be robots of manifesto of a certain criteria of how to live and how to be."
"Your whole life is about emotion. it is about feeling good. It is about feeling bad. Imagine a life where those are not comparable to one's justification of self. Can you do that? Oh you say you can, but I have people up here that couldnt even stand to live without each other."
"When you develop the body, oftentimes you strave the mind. You starve the mind for the sake of bodies, your chemical reactions, because you re a bag of chemicals, you know. You starve that for fulfillment, and you think that is living. But did it ever occur to you that maybe living is a higher order, a mind that is so sharp and so powerful it can manifest anything? Does that exclude the body? No the body becomes the perfect temple of a great masterful leader.
Does this mean you will never have sexual relationships again? No, but it means that they will be more cherished, more real, and more int he moment, and not artificial. Does it mean that you re going to miss out on business opportunities? No, it will just make you wiser, more clever and more knowing. You will be light years a head of the game. Does it mean indeed that you have missed out on seeing the world? Once you have seen the world in only a microcosm of here and there, you will realize how ignorant the world really is."
"so what do you call love? i have watched many of you define love, but you dont even know what you re talking about. It is important that you learn. Love is not about the first seal, going to bed with someone, copulating with them. That is not love; that is lust. And many of you have lusted your way into responsibility of children not even having the opportunity of having love as a many-splendored thing."
"And the reflection of love as a many splendored thing is essentially the reflection of ourself, and that when we look in this mirror, we re lookign at another entity. But the entity spontaneously puts up with its reflection that meet it on the mirror, that is smiles and we smile, that its eyes dance and our eyes dance and that when we come together, full body, and we touch, the onyl thing that separates us is that it is an illusion of our reflection. Then we are in splendor.
What does this mean? A reflection in the mirror will never be dishonest. A reflection in the mirror will never lie. A reflection in the mirror will never animate on its own. When we look at the reflection, it looks at us squarely. And even when we turn our back to glance to see if it is still there, it is looking back at us. It has no past and has no future. It is pur partner in the moment of our delight, in the moment that we celebrate some primeval, celestial place."
Monday, June 25, 2007
at Washington DC airport
Yes waiting here for 5 hours for my connecting flight to LA then to Sydney. Thank God there is free WiFi so that I ve had time to catch up with my emails. I ve been travelling for the last two weeks. Started in WDC for a conference...then I went to Toronto to visit Steven (an ozzie who recently moved there) and then to Ottawa to see other friends and to Montreal to spend couple of days. I am most impressed with Montreal; amazing nightlife and shopping, male strippers, beatiful, stylish men and women, better food, sensible art exhibitions, music and style style style.
By the way I was thinking why Sydney does not have any gay strip clubs too? or why isnt there a bar whihc has decent dark rooms, cruising areas and live shows at the same time? I only know Manacle which shows tacky porn on TV screens, and there is nothing in there that makes me excited!
In Montreal I met Yves, a gorgeous 40 year old, looks 32, who had recently finished his 18 year relationship. He s fit, plays voleyboll and tennis in tournaments, skies and teaches high school kids. He is mature, genuine, sensitive and speaks english with French accent (which turns me on). We had two fantastic nights- refreshing for me, bringing back my confidence in beliveing that "there exist men that makes me so excited".
I flirted with every second guy I ve seen in Montreal - eye contact is very obvious and nooone seems to avoid it - lenghty eye contacts gently finished with gorgeous smiles...how can I resist French-Canadians? Plus hearing French everywhere, but still being able to speak English to everyone...what a luxury!
I m sure there are some French Canadian gay guys living in Sydney, if yu re reading this, drop me a line...My next trip, next year hopefully will be to Quebec city - Yves already promised he will take me there...he also whispered so many nice things to me in French, including a Bonjour when I woke up in his arms this morning.
By the way I was thinking why Sydney does not have any gay strip clubs too? or why isnt there a bar whihc has decent dark rooms, cruising areas and live shows at the same time? I only know Manacle which shows tacky porn on TV screens, and there is nothing in there that makes me excited!
In Montreal I met Yves, a gorgeous 40 year old, looks 32, who had recently finished his 18 year relationship. He s fit, plays voleyboll and tennis in tournaments, skies and teaches high school kids. He is mature, genuine, sensitive and speaks english with French accent (which turns me on). We had two fantastic nights- refreshing for me, bringing back my confidence in beliveing that "there exist men that makes me so excited".
I flirted with every second guy I ve seen in Montreal - eye contact is very obvious and nooone seems to avoid it - lenghty eye contacts gently finished with gorgeous smiles...how can I resist French-Canadians? Plus hearing French everywhere, but still being able to speak English to everyone...what a luxury!
I m sure there are some French Canadian gay guys living in Sydney, if yu re reading this, drop me a line...My next trip, next year hopefully will be to Quebec city - Yves already promised he will take me there...he also whispered so many nice things to me in French, including a Bonjour when I woke up in his arms this morning.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Last weekend Nikos, Steven, me and our mummies all met at Anna Bay. We rented a beach house there, relaxed and basically did nothing except for drinking, swimming and cooking. Nikos & Steven brought their dogs along, it was so nice to have a nap at the backyard (of course on pink bean bag) and play with the doggies.
On sunday mum and I had a long walk at Fingal Bay, beautiful area!
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