Family

I ve been with my family for the last two days. I realize how intense life was used to be in Turkey and within my family. Everyone in the family is into each others' business, there s so much gossip going on- my grandma loves it- loves to talk about and criticise her own children and grand children. Every year I go to see her she becomes upset with something we do or we don't do. No one ever relaxes. Someone always try to take care of me, even with changing channels with remote control - I mean come on how difficult can it be. Maybe I ve lived my single life for long enough to notice and react to these behaviors. I used to like it. Being taken care of, being safe and secure, being told what to do, and even what is right. For example I do not want to go to a dinner because my dad thinks we should be going there. I wanna do it if I really want it. and I don't like the feeling that I dissapoint someone because I do not want it.

Mum is still my very good friend. We have been spending a lot of time together. She tries to understand me (she always did), and wants me not to forget how special I am. When she was in Sydney we had long walks at the beach everyday and talked about my ending relationship (with my ex). I remembered today how miserable I was then. I was feeling terrible about myself. Thinking that I was unable to really respect my partner, that i was quite bitchy all times when I was around him (yeah maybe I was but that was not my nature), so basically thinking that I was not able to love someone in return who loves me. What a stupid thing to push myself to love someone, when I really did not. I was subconsciously feeling that this could be my only chance in life to pursue a long term relationship with someone.

I feel 10 times better compared to 3 months ago. I ve got new gay friends that I feel comfortable with, I have a life, I look at myself in the mirror and think that I look good for 31 year old, I have couple of exciting projects related to my career, I have the confidence to go out to a gay bar and chat with a guy without feeling intimidated (well this does not apply to all bars/ clubs and gay men), I try to take care of myself more (physcially and emotionally), I work with less stress, and try to stop the worrying and criticising thoughts whenver they come to my mind.

Spending time here in Turkey reminded me the pressure, the rules, do s and dont s, the non-stop judgements which are all a part of the culture in here, and this creates the tension and intensity. I used to like it, need it, I was in search of this intensity when I moved to Sdyney, and I understand that s why I created so much chaos in my relationships in the previous years- to replicate the tension I was accustomed to. I like my 30's so far, I ve learned so much about my self, my family, culture and what I want and need in the future.

I am going to Ankara tommorrow, the city where I was born, I am going to catch up with my University friends, and see some of the places I used hang out.