Karma

Being attracted to someone is difficult. I ve been excited since last night about this boy I met. I did not want to have a one night stand with him, since I thought he s worth more than that. I ve sent a message to him in the morning, whether he likes to meet for a coffee. He did not reply all day. I ve been thinking about the possibilites: 1. he slept all day or he lost his mobile phone, 2. He picked up last night and spent the day with the same guy, 3. he has a hangover and not in the mood to see or talk to anyone. Of all these three options, the positive thinking says: there s no evidence that he ignores me, even if he slept with someone else he might be calling next the day or the other day, and we ll have good time next time we meet. Negative thinking says: he was after a shag, that s why he flirted with me, he's got no romantic thoughts related to me, he ignores me cause he did not like me enough to commit himself spending time with me.

Negative thought sounds really realistic to me, because that s what I ve done/felt recently towards some guys I ve met. And they were more excited about the whole thing, but I was not. I did not want to spend extra time after that night, even if I thought they were sweet and nice. I did not want to commit myself to further intimacy cause I knew i did not find them attractive enough to maintain a longer term intimate relationship (relnship involving sex). How about becoming friends? I am not interested because the guy likes me more than I like him, so his expectations from me even as a friend would be much more, and this changes the relaxed/comfortable mood that I look for when I am around friends.

This is karma. It s coming back to me. I promise to be more gentle, considerate and decisive when I flirt, I will try not to give promising open-ended vibes that eventually will put the "guy who likes me" in a difficult / emotional situation. Ah, I don't know if that s possible? Real situations are so more dynamic/ mostly less controllable. Dreams and fantasies are sometimes unstoppable, I went to bed thinking about him, I woke up this morning thinking about how good he looks when he smiles. I remembered the things we talked about, his expressions, his laugh, his lips, wrists, I still have a strong imagery of him in my mind. I tried to distract myself all day; did a killer workout at the gym which gave me a headache, gossipped with friends, repaired my bike etc. But I still hurt now, I can imagine how it felt for the other two guys who might have had similar dreams / expectations about me - even if they say "everything is cool" and that they did not have any expectations.