in Fiji

I am in Fiji today and it feels like paradise. the nature is so quiet and relaxing, no chaos, no people, no stress. MY baggage has been lost on my way from Los Angeles. In the morning I spent some hours at the airport waiting my luggage to come thru, then it did not, then I had to complain and fill out a form etc. All day I did not esssentially needed anything that was in my luggage. Life is simple here, life is natural. I sunbaked with my undies, so what? there are really few people in the resort and they are all retired. Nooone was close enough to me to realize that they were my undies, and even if they did what is the big deal anyway. I am still wearing the same clothes for more than 24 hours but that is ok too, it is simplicity again. Reminding myself that I do not need a lot of clothes, swimmers, t-shirts etc. I could do without shaving and moisturizing for couple of days maybe. Well I hope my luggage arrives tomorrow, I don't think I would be tolerant more one day.

Today I went to town to cash out, and booked myself a Captain Cook Cruise to some island. The weather is not so hot but the water temperature is ok to swim. I am staying in an oceanview buree. Coconut trees, tropical plants and ocean infront of me. It feels like a movie. All afternoon I listened to the birds at the backyard, it s not boring because there is a surround sound system :) the birds move quickly when they sing so I hear the sounds from all changing directions. I closed my eyes and listened how they moved around me, it was so meditative. It is possible to hear every single sound here, how the leaves of the coconut trees move with the wind, the construction sounds km s away, the planes, the birds, the hotel staff around talking to each other. It is really interesting to have an environment without a background noise (the cities have continous background noises). There is silence here, and other voices/sounds are on top of it. Maybe that s why it is easier to differentiate the sounds, being alert and responsive.

There was a low tide in the afternoon, the sea walked away metres from us, the boats sank into the muddy sand, shallow water remained in some parts making up a beatiful scenery. I walked on the remains of the sea, I took photos of seaweeds and the large areas of sand. the sea looked like a desert with water shining on its surface, exceptional view for me.

Today I admitted to myself that I want a relationship. I realized that I have been avoiding even the idea of a relationship with someone. I tried to write about the reason of my avoidance, it turned out that I have been scared of getting into a co-dependent relationship again, be emotionally dependent on someone, take care of him all times and consume my energy and thought on that person. On the other hand, I ve been enjoying my process of nurturing myself, taking care of what I eat and how I look, go gym regularly, make an effort to cook the best dinner for myself, setting up goals and reaching them, paying for a life/career coach and getting the most out of it, and regularly strengthening my belief in God (or lets call it a Higher Power). These have been the things that helped me so much so far in recovering from not taking care of myself for a long time. I am trying to love and accept myself, to say positive things to myself, and trying to stop negative or worrying thoughts whenever I found myself struggling with them.