My story

it was my birthday yesterday, we went to Shangri La hotel and had fantastic cocktails. I started talking too much after the 3rd drink, so that s when I decided to go home and sleep. Alcohol gives me so much energy these days, I woke up at 6.30 and went for a jog, and I did not felt hangover. I think the quailty cocktails do that.

I went to Macquarie Uni today to see a lecturer friend there. I kenw her since I cam to Sydney, she used to do research at Sydney Uni, now she moved on, and doing really interesting stuff about immersive, virtual and interactive environments, very technical, but still creative. I think I might be involved in it, I will search for ways to do research there. She is Turkish, and she is quite ambitious. I feel like she understands me, you know in a cultural way. It alsways feels great to talk to her, she s got so many ideas, actually she s full of ideas. So this gives me a bit of motivation, the opprtunity to collaborate with passionate/ stimulating people. She talked about her previous experience about finishing her studies and where she had to look for a job. it s quite a frustrating experience. After being immersed in a research environment for a long time, guaranteed that you earn a living and have the luxury of only concentrating on pure full on research and be appreciated for doing it, it feels a bit weird when the study/position finishes and then you go to the outer more chaotic world, to find a place for yourself. Ah I think I dramtized it a bit. Well anyway that s the feeling. No more pure self satisfactory research luxury. it s time to polish your self and your skills and start a new life.

Today she told me that I have to use my chemical engineering background to my advantage, which means that I need to integrate it to my research and show people that I am a complete package. This packaging / image creating job has been so intense lately. I continously have look inwards and check out what image I should be giving to the research community, to find a job, to find a position that I might like. Well I never wanted to be a chemical engineer, but I finished the degree. Then I moved to the design area where I always wanted to be. Would I have been happier or more content if I ended up as an architect? I am not sure about that either, after meeting so many architects and study how they design and how they think.

Since the start of this year everything in my life has been shaking. I started writng my thesis intensely on January and those times I was having fights with my flatmate. There was a really big tension in the house non-stop. after being the best mates for a year, we decided to move in together in august last year. I never thought it could turn out to be painful like this. We were having so much fun, spending quality time, chatting, laughing, jogging, going out, drinking, cooking and sharing...and basically sharing everything...except for sex. He was obviously straight. And I think that was the good thing about it. I can feel safe and comfortable with some straight men. Like I feel with most women. Then with this best-buddy we started having arguments about the house about me about him. We knew too much about each other and it was too easy to be breakable. Chatting about secrets and private thoughts is not always a good idea, your friend can turn into your rival and use them against you. and that what we did for each other. Started destroying out relationship. sucking the good things out from it, then there was not much left, when I started thinking that he should immediately leave my house! Luckily he was going back to Turkey for good soon. By mid January my mum arrived to stay with me while I was writing my thesis. she is a really goog moderator. She smoothened all the cracks and that huge tension in the house. I was so relieved.

Meanwhile we decided that me and my (ex)boyfriend shoudl live together. We had been in a relationship for two years, and this was the longest for each of us. It was along and low maintanance relationship (well low maintanance compared to my previous ones) but I was never low maintanance (like all fine machines). From the start we had so many ups and downs, break ups and getting togethers. Despite all odds we were able to stay in a relationship for two years. And I think this was the impressive stuff for both of us, which made me believe that this relationship could go on a more intimate level. and this was the right time to make the move. During my most stressful period, trying to write and finish a Phd thesis. I dont recommend pushing your self this far. No no no. It was absoulutely a wrong decision.

When my best-buddy left for good, my ex moved into my flat. My mum, him and me living in a two bedrooms house, how cute is that. All our friends were so approving that we finally got together. It was so tiring for me. I had to focus on my thesis, the big changes in the house, my mum, my boyfriend who just moved in, and wondering how my mum and him will get along, and other details such as buying a bigger size bed, buying curtains for the flat, arrange the wardrobe space to fit in all clothes, selecting things to go to storage things to stay in the house, etc. etc. Why so much chaos at one shot ? That was too much than I could handle. I was so stressed 24 hours. I was able to sleep for 5-6 hours, waking up starting studying and go on until I was not able to look at the screen anymore. Meanwhile mum and Bf were going out for shopping together, taking the car to the carwash, looking for curtains, going to Ikea and so on. Well they ended up getting along well. But there was one thing that was really pissing me off. I was sensing that my Bf was getting bored of this lifestyle. He was wanting to go out with his girls and staying over the night at their place, drink and get stoned and have fun and have fun and have fun. I was so stressed to think about having fun. We were living two different lives, and it has been the same before he moved in. I was thinking that he would CHANGE! if he moves in and starts living with me. He would be more dedicated, caring and thoughtful and keeping his promises etc. How can you trust someone who forgets about his promises. Well the worst thing was that he was saving his ass all the time, by doing whatever he wanted and then apoligizing/ saying sorry. I did not have time and energy to deal with him. And the more I tried to control him the more he was out of control.

I was very very unhappy. I turned into this man who was always angry, always wanting to control and manipulate his Bf's behaviors, and ending up with frustration and self-hatred. I was getting upset with him for a reason, for something he did not take care of, for something he promised to do and ended up not doing, and bringing me the excuse that he was so busy - but he was working only 15 hours a week, the other times he was busy with having fun. Then when I mentioned this, he was accusing me of being jelaous becuase I did not have a chance to have fun. I turned into a resentful bitch. Writing my thesis and keeping myself crazily busy was the only solution I found to deal with this situation. After some time, I was not even wanting to sleep with him in the same bed. No regular sex, and tension in the air, and the added tension of pretending like we re fine to my mum. Of course mums always know. She was seeing that I was not happy. She talked to me one day. She said that me and him are very different, and that we were not operating at the same frequency anymore, and that this was becoming a dysfunctional relationship. Well I did not like to hear it. It was only two weeks since he moved in. And I did not want to accept that this decision was ending up bitter. But I knew there was something wrong, becuause I was feeling so angry all the time. Angry to everyone. I ve never been an agry person in nature. There must be something wrong here. and it is probably about me. When it is about me I have to detach, i should not be in a relationship anymore.

We had a big fight over some stupid parking fee. He was so upset with my whole attitude and with how I cricised him, and I was so upset with him for being so careless, stupid and idiot and a looser (ha ha for a parking on the wrong spot and getting a fine of $150). I was totally insane. Well I know my reactions seems so absurd and dysfunctional but the point is that I did not become a bitch overnight. This was a recurring process, and that time I was not able to explain why I had so much resentment and anger towards him. He was such a nice and easy going guy, the moment people met him everyone liked him (without exceptions), he was quiet, self-sufficient, independent, reasonably responsible for his money and for his life, safe, loyal and an ideal husband model. What can be wrong about him?

I broke up with him after 3 days. It was 13th of February, wrong timing for valentines day. I talked to him, he agreed with what I said, and he agreed that we should break up. I never thought that it would be so easy. But there we go. he left the house that night, he had to be at a birthday party. I was not feeling like going out, I was continously crying. Thank God my mum was there, giving me emotional support. I do not remember crying for so long. In the shower, on the couch, looking at the ocean, looking at tv and crying. I was thinking: Why did I wait for so long to break up with him. I could have talked to him straightforward because he would never do it. I have always been the persecutor anyway...He had been the victim, and he liked to be the victim.

tomorrow I will write about co-dependency