Sex and Meaning

Last night I met a Turkish friend sat at a cafe on Oxford st and he told me a story about the rat, the cheese and labriynth. Once the rat followed a path and found the cheese. Then the experimenters put the cheese to another place not to the end point of the labyrinth. The rat followed the path and could not find the cheese. Then the rat took different routes to reach the same end point. There was no cheese. But the rat was still trying different paths thinking that he will reach the cheese, but the location of the cheese has changed, and the rat was not able to understand it. Yeah the rat was me, keeping on doing the same thing and not getting the cheese. Once I used to find the cheese, but by the time my decription of the cheese changed, I reckon. Different paths do not change the result. I get frustrated over and over again. I can either enjoy the process of taking different paths, without worrying about getting the cheese, or I can take another way out of the labyrinth to find the cheese.

I associate love and sex together. Last night I did not go to a sex club, because I do not get what I want in sex clubs. I look at people in the dark, I froze, like it happened to me in Barcelona. Two years ago, I was in the steam room with a guy. He was hot, we started talking, he was touching me. He told me that he s got a BF but was so sick of him today, so there he was touching me. I found it repelling. I told him things to get him annoyed, he left me there, then I was blaming myself cause I could not see the circumstance as a chance to have sex, I attached too much meaning to it. Yeah I ve got a tendency to create meaning in my actions. With some expeceptions I can not just have sex for the sake of having sex, I wish I was able to do it. As a gay man it is hard to attach so much meaning and expectations to sex.

I went to the Manacle with my Turkish friend, he left me at some stage, went home to sleep with his partner. And I was there again sitting at the corner and watching the men. I did not have any motivation to go and talk to any of them. I was feeling awkward, I was feeling emotional, I was feeling vulnerable. Is sat there inthe upper rooom until everyone left. Noone came and talked to me this time. I was sitting there alone without an aim. I went downstairs, people were all there smoking talking laughing. Took my jacket and left the place. That was the end of my night. It was 4.30 when I came home. I turned on my electric blanket and got into bed. In the morning I was unhappy. I did my yoga class, my sunay shopping and came back home and slept for the rest of the day.