R2 sent me a message: "thanks for making me feel very special". I was happy to get this message because it meant that this is the end and it is a good ending. I texted back "you re special".
I loved the idea that R2 would love me, take care of me, would make me feel that I am loved. R2 however was not able to give it to me. Once more I chose the wrong person. Some inner voice was telling me that:yu re not gonna be his #1 and this was attracting me to him more. Sven took me to that posh party where the average age was around 45, all rich people, expensive champagne, food and expensive outfits. art collectors, designers, antique shop owners, decorators...very lively environment I must say. I met Sven at the fruits in suits a week before that. He gave me his card told me that I "should" call him. I did not. He googled me and found my email address and sent me a message. The same day coincidetial it is, he caught me at the central station and walked with me for a while and told me how he found out about me on the internet. I thought wow! what a nice guy, he goes for what he wants, what a brave heart. I finally gave him a call and we decided to meet at the Green Park. Then as a second option he invited me to this party (in which 80% of the population was women) and I chose the second option cause it sounded more interesting than a gay bar. That s where I met R2. He was walking around the room, catching my gaze at some moments. I thought then he is charismatic, and I wasnt sure whether he is gay or not. One of the women told me that he s a bisexual. My thought: oh yeah he s the greedy flirtatious type, he flirts with women and with men, whichever suits. He is extremely calm and relaxed, does not seem to show his emotions, controlled...yeah he can be such a Mr cold heart. So i was attracted to him. once more to someone who is as cool as ice - who is not ready to give love or care about someone.
On the other hand Sven, nice and sweet and he is ready to love me...no i am not attracted to him at all. Next day I was honestly telling him that I will not be a BF material for him - he was dissapointed. The same night I called R2 and met up with him. I was feeling so good! no guilt. this is called self sabotage.
I never believed that R2 would love me, I was ready for this split, and actually I made it happen. I could have given him more time, eventually he would loved me...I know for some people it takes time to trust someone and overcome the fear of being hurt. That s what R2 told me, he wanted to trust me through time. I was quick to judge. My thinking: he resists being closer to me, and it wont change, he wont love me. Deep inside I must believe that I am not lovable - so I create my own reality - I create my reality by picking up the guys who seem to be hard to get, who will resist being close to me. I create that reality by believing that he would never love me anyway. Instead of giving time and working through fears and issues I dump out the possibilities. Now I am back in my mood keeping myself extremely busy at Uni, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, thoughts wandering all around the place, things are falling apart; tax return, internet problems, my new piano and new laptop need to be repaired, empty fridge, skipping the gym ooops that s too much. I know I have daddy issues but I am not desperately in need of a mature man's love. I ve been doing allright, and I ll keep on going.
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Have you thought about why you are not attracted to Sven? Sometimes I think I am not attracted to men who LOVE me cause I"m scared of love...maybe that is the case with you. Why do you chase people that do not love you? it is because maybe you do not want to be loved?
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