grey

I read my previous post and absolutely hated it. I sound like a teenage girl. Falling in love with this guy after having a shag, and longing for him for two months until I realize that he moved on and living his life, and then cry for myself for not moving on. How Pathetic! I am a total emotional mess.
Same thing last week. After dating and being intimate for two weeks, JP says he has a regular buddy he has sex with every week. That breaks me down and I cry. JP freaks out, thinking "what the hell is going on why this guy invested so much in this?". Then I ask him if he is going to make a choice. Cause it is not fair on me that he s dating me and having sex with another man. He finally said he would choose his buddy. Again, I ve been a mess. I thought i would be happy with JP.
I quickly and totally can loose myself in an intimacy. Whether it is sex, dating, or a serious relationship. Then reality bumps in, and after struggling for a while I get back to myself. Why does the idea of intimacy drive me crazy, take me out of my path, throw me around, make me ecstatic ? and why does it last only for short time and leave me with dissapointment? Emotions are trouble, emotions are hard to deal with. That s why people are scared to feel. That s why people are walking away from intimacy, or the idea of dissapointment. I wish i could still feel without being so intense - it almost black or white (as JP puts it) either I feel intimacy and loose myself in it, or I keep it away from my life to avoid dissapointment. Dunno yet, how to make it grey. Hmmm...