since July

Oh my god, it s been a long time. My last post must be about the French Canadian I had a lust for. Now I know that lust was quite strong cause when he sent me an email in September I was shattered: "...summer has been really wild for me and I've been really busy. I met a fantastic guy with whom I spent the summer and still with him. He is simply marvellous. We went to New-York and Ogunquiet in Maine together". The email goes on and on but I focused only to this part and felt pain in my chest; to repress the pain, I rationalized it... well of course he s going to be with someone, I was not there, and he s a gorgeous guy...so why havent I been with anyone for the last two months? the pain comes back.

I was even looking for ways to go back to Montreal, looking at universities, scholarships etc. Just after I arrived Sydney, I was very very sick for a week. I had some time for contemplation then. My conclusion was: I was making myself sick cause I did not wanna be in Sydney but next to the guy I fell in live with - my heart and my body were in remote locations :). Then I talked to myself and asked my heart to come back to me, and it did...with considerable resentment. Then I spent some time to deal with the resentment.

Later on, I read this email. I talked to my best-girl, she said so many rational stuff, that made sense, and calmed me down. Then I sat on my bed and cried for that guy (or for me). I accepted that he was gone (only after two months!).

I belive sickness is related to mind (most of the time). If i contemplate and find the reason why, and accept the situation, then I recover faster. If I do not accept the situation, then it takes ages to recover.

Since July, I have not been sick...untill yesterday. I was in bed all saturday night and sunday, having a serious throat infection -my typical sickness caused by the mismatch between my mind and my heart.

I have been dating a guy with a French name, I ll call him JP. It s been only two official dates, but I guess my heart went a bit faster (as it does) and my mind was trying to balance my feelings sometimes in favor of sometimes resisting this whole experience. When I resist I find many good reasons not to be with someone - this a survival kit when my heart goes fast, or when someone comes too close. Funny that I seek male intimacy for months (sometimes years) and when I find the potential, I resist to it. Typically I refused a relationship with the Turk when he was finally there for me.

Talking to my therapist last friday, he told me keep an eye on my feelings, and not to idealize the guy i m dating with into some image that he is not. He told me to be my Self and Not to Fake it. Do you sometimes fake? I think gay males are good performers, we learn to fake from an early age (who we are, what we should say etc).

With JP, things are going slower (than my previous ones). we talk, and spend time together and there are still boundaries - distances, we only kissed and did not sleep together yet. Actually it feels nice not to jump into an intensity - although my body craves to create intensity - my heart is almost scared. When does my heart know?