This is the journey

Road trip and mourning

2007-12-22T21:05:00.000+11:00

I went on a road trip on my own. Driving in my beatiful Golf, choosing my music,stopping wherever I want, either to take a photo or to have a cup of coffee...that s freedom and I love it.

I also planned to camp - bought a tent, a sleeping bag, mat, and even a lantern. First day it rained all afternoon - and I got tired of driving and not being able to enjoy the outdoors, I booked myself a last-minute luxury resort for a very good price. My room was opening to an amazing view of a little pond and lush green. I watched the rain on my couch for hours, fell asleep, watched the ducks and the pond, fell asleep again, and then had a bath, and watched the view again. Was really good time with myself. In the morning I did a yoga session by the pond, had my buffet breakfast and i felt so ready and energized for my next day. All day I was hiking, seeing National Parks, Fitzroy Falls, Kangaroo Valley - all the tourist drives were awesome, absolutely stunning. Then I got to a camping site in Kangaroo Valley and the lady at the reception told me that there s a storm coming and if I had bever camped before, she would not reccomend a wet camping experience. I called my Uni friend who has a summer house in Nowra, and luckily he was there building a deck, he said I could stay with him, so I drove down there in half an hour via the winding road from Kangaroo Valley - God what a drive, one of the most exciting drives of my life - I definetely want to do it again!

I stayed with my friend that night and the storm did not come. Although in the morning it started raining again. I decided to go back home. My camping experience ends here :) Now I m in bondi, getting ready to watch two DVD s. Science of sleep and Knocked out.

In the last two days I realized how sad I am in general. When I m lonely and on my own I m overwhelmed by this sad feeling. I m almost mourning for something I missed or lost. First I thought it was JP - I still miss him when I think about the very short time we spent together - I do not exactly know what JP represents for me but I still miss that feeling. I mourn for my loneliness, for not being able to set up a family, for missing out having a child, set up a house, getting married, falling in love like a teenager and having naive expectations from life. I am still mourning.

grey

2007-12-10T07:55:00.000+11:00

I read my previous post and absolutely hated it. I sound like a teenage girl. Falling in love with this guy after having a shag, and longing for him for two months until I realize that he moved on and living his life, and then cry for myself for not moving on. How Pathetic! I am a total emotional mess.
Same thing last week. After dating and being intimate for two weeks, JP says he has a regular buddy he has sex with every week. That breaks me down and I cry. JP freaks out, thinking "what the hell is going on why this guy invested so much in this?". Then I ask him if he is going to make a choice. Cause it is not fair on me that he s dating me and having sex with another man. He finally said he would choose his buddy. Again, I ve been a mess. I thought i would be happy with JP.
I quickly and totally can loose myself in an intimacy. Whether it is sex, dating, or a serious relationship. Then reality bumps in, and after struggling for a while I get back to myself. Why does the idea of intimacy drive me crazy, take me out of my path, throw me around, make me ecstatic ? and why does it last only for short time and leave me with dissapointment? Emotions are trouble, emotions are hard to deal with. That s why people are scared to feel. That s why people are walking away from intimacy, or the idea of dissapointment. I wish i could still feel without being so intense - it almost black or white (as JP puts it) either I feel intimacy and loose myself in it, or I keep it away from my life to avoid dissapointment. Dunno yet, how to make it grey. Hmmm...

since July

2007-11-19T09:37:00.000+11:00

Oh my god, it s been a long time. My last post must be about the French Canadian I had a lust for. Now I know that lust was quite strong cause when he sent me an email in September I was shattered: "...summer has been really wild for me and I've been really busy. I met a fantastic guy with whom I spent the summer and still with him. He is simply marvellous. We went to New-York and Ogunquiet in Maine together". The email goes on and on but I focused only to this part and felt pain in my chest; to repress the pain, I rationalized it... well of course he s going to be with someone, I was not there, and he s a gorgeous guy...so why havent I been with anyone for the last two months? the pain comes back.

I was even looking for ways to go back to Montreal, looking at universities, scholarships etc. Just after I arrived Sydney, I was very very sick for a week. I had some time for contemplation then. My conclusion was: I was making myself sick cause I did not wanna be in Sydney but next to the guy I fell in live with - my heart and my body were in remote locations :). Then I talked to myself and asked my heart to come back to me, and it did...with considerable resentment. Then I spent some time to deal with the resentment.

Later on, I read this email. I talked to my best-girl, she said so many rational stuff, that made sense, and calmed me down. Then I sat on my bed and cried for that guy (or for me). I accepted that he was gone (only after two months!).

I belive sickness is related to mind (most of the time). If i contemplate and find the reason why, and accept the situation, then I recover faster. If I do not accept the situation, then it takes ages to recover.

Since July, I have not been sick...untill yesterday. I was in bed all saturday night and sunday, having a serious throat infection -my typical sickness caused by the mismatch between my mind and my heart.

I have been dating a guy with a French name, I ll call him JP. It s been only two official dates, but I guess my heart went a bit faster (as it does) and my mind was trying to balance my feelings sometimes in favor of sometimes resisting this whole experience. When I resist I find many good reasons not to be with someone - this a survival kit when my heart goes fast, or when someone comes too close. Funny that I seek male intimacy for months (sometimes years) and when I find the potential, I resist to it. Typically I refused a relationship with the Turk when he was finally there for me.

Talking to my therapist last friday, he told me keep an eye on my feelings, and not to idealize the guy i m dating with into some image that he is not. He told me to be my Self and Not to Fake it. Do you sometimes fake? I think gay males are good performers, we learn to fake from an early age (who we are, what we should say etc).

With JP, things are going slower (than my previous ones). we talk, and spend time together and there are still boundaries - distances, we only kissed and did not sleep together yet. Actually it feels nice not to jump into an intensity - although my body craves to create intensity - my heart is almost scared. When does my heart know?

Conversations (1) about liking a guy, dating, and casual sex

2007-07-18T11:48:00.000+10:00

Here s a conversation between a me and a friend of mine:

TT: Why do the hot ones tend to have attitude and no personality? Too much to ask for brains and a nice body?

You've reminded me that Turkiye played an important part in my coming out. I was in the process of coming out to myself in 1992. During my trip to Turkey that year, sitting on a beach on the Turquoise Coast, I thought 'being gay is not so bad. That's who I am!" I think all of the sensuality and aliveness of Turkey helped. And seeing so many good looking men! (As NSSG can tell you, I go for tall, dark and handsome.) Turkey was heaven on the eyes! Too bad I didn't meet anyone on that trip!

Me: you re very specific about what your men should look like, however life has many surprises, and a compatible, loving person may come to you in a different shape or size, that you never imagined before. I would say: give up your ideals and maybe start thinking about sensuality and liveliness. I know it s hard to find those in Sydney but it s worth chasing.

TT:Good advice. A person's soul is far more important to me. Having said that, the serious relationships I have had with spiritual, intellectual, caring men just all happened to have a Latino/Mediterranean look. I fall in love with a person, not a look, but it's important to know what turns you on. I've never really been into casual dating, which I'm trying to overcome. But not too many changes at once :) Have a good day.

Me:Casual dating? I m terrible with that. Although the word itself is casual it doesnt feel casual at all, If m going on a date i d have expectations, and that ruins it int he first palce. I d rather not date! it makes me nervous....

TT:I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with casual dating. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of guy. I've had only two serious relationships. There was an instant connection and no doubts that we were going out. I tend to shut down if someone expresses interest in me but I'm not completely wowed. Trying to change that. But it's all very grey, as maybe some people you need to develop a friendship first before falling in love. Well, thank goodness we have NSSG as our dating advisor. He claims dating is like trying on different clothes. Good luck to both of us!

Me: Well I like the idea that dating is like trying on new clothes, however I am also a strong believer that instant connection works (at least for me). I agree there should be no doubts that two guys like each other; otherwise things start to fall apart soon.
I prefer to have sex as quickly as possible If I am attracted to someone, and when it is delayed I loose my trust that the relationship is going to work or that the guy likes me. Obviously having sex is so important for us to validate the intimacy level of a realtionship. Then how do you become friends before falling in love? I would have already lost my trust that it is going to be a love relationship if the guy becomes my friend.

TT: For me, if I really like someone, I'd rather wait to have sex, even if it's only a couple of dates. I'm a hopeless romantic and I guess I don't want to rush into all of the emotions that come with sex. Take a little while to get to know them first. But of course there are the hook-ups which I suppose could develop into something more. Then again, I've only had two serious relationships, and all of the other casual sex has been on business trips, saunas. beats, so there was never any potential for a relationship. You've given me something to think about.

That s all for now

quotes from my fav book

2007-07-05T12:38:00.000+10:00

Some quotes from my favorite book Ramtha, That Elixir Called Love

"there is no educational system that deals with person's emotions. There isn't. There is only educational systems that deal with teaching people to be robots of manifesto of a certain criteria of how to live and how to be."

"Your whole life is about emotion. it is about feeling good. It is about feeling bad. Imagine a life where those are not comparable to one's justification of self. Can you do that? Oh you say you can, but I have people up here that couldnt even stand to live without each other."

"When you develop the body, oftentimes you strave the mind. You starve the mind for the sake of bodies, your chemical reactions, because you re a bag of chemicals, you know. You starve that for fulfillment, and you think that is living. But did it ever occur to you that maybe living is a higher order, a mind that is so sharp and so powerful it can manifest anything? Does that exclude the body? No the body becomes the perfect temple of a great masterful leader.
Does this mean you will never have sexual relationships again? No, but it means that they will be more cherished, more real, and more int he moment, and not artificial. Does it mean that you re going to miss out on business opportunities? No, it will just make you wiser, more clever and more knowing. You will be light years a head of the game. Does it mean indeed that you have missed out on seeing the world? Once you have seen the world in only a microcosm of here and there, you will realize how ignorant the world really is."

"so what do you call love? i have watched many of you define love, but you dont even know what you re talking about. It is important that you learn. Love is not about the first seal, going to bed with someone, copulating with them. That is not love; that is lust. And many of you have lusted your way into responsibility of children not even having the opportunity of having love as a many-splendored thing."

"And the reflection of love as a many splendored thing is essentially the reflection of ourself, and that when we look in this mirror, we re lookign at another entity. But the entity spontaneously puts up with its reflection that meet it on the mirror, that is smiles and we smile, that its eyes dance and our eyes dance and that when we come together, full body, and we touch, the onyl thing that separates us is that it is an illusion of our reflection. Then we are in splendor.
What does this mean? A reflection in the mirror will never be dishonest. A reflection in the mirror will never lie. A reflection in the mirror will never animate on its own. When we look at the reflection, it looks at us squarely. And even when we turn our back to glance to see if it is still there, it is looking back at us. It has no past and has no future. It is pur partner in the moment of our delight, in the moment that we celebrate some primeval, celestial place."

at Washington DC airport

2007-06-25T05:45:00.000+10:00

Yes waiting here for 5 hours for my connecting flight to LA then to Sydney. Thank God there is free WiFi so that I ve had time to catch up with my emails. I ve been travelling for the last two weeks. Started in WDC for a conference...then I went to Toronto to visit Steven (an ozzie who recently moved there) and then to Ottawa to see other friends and to Montreal to spend couple of days. I am most impressed with Montreal; amazing nightlife and shopping, male strippers, beatiful, stylish men and women, better food, sensible art exhibitions, music and style style style.
By the way I was thinking why Sydney does not have any gay strip clubs too? or why isnt there a bar whihc has decent dark rooms, cruising areas and live shows at the same time? I only know Manacle which shows tacky porn on TV screens, and there is nothing in there that makes me excited!
In Montreal I met Yves, a gorgeous 40 year old, looks 32, who had recently finished his 18 year relationship. He s fit, plays voleyboll and tennis in tournaments, skies and teaches high school kids. He is mature, genuine, sensitive and speaks english with French accent (which turns me on). We had two fantastic nights- refreshing for me, bringing back my confidence in beliveing that "there exist men that makes me so excited".
I flirted with every second guy I ve seen in Montreal - eye contact is very obvious and nooone seems to avoid it - lenghty eye contacts gently finished with gorgeous smiles...how can I resist French-Canadians? Plus hearing French everywhere, but still being able to speak English to everyone...what a luxury!

I m sure there are some French Canadian gay guys living in Sydney, if yu re reading this, drop me a line...My next trip, next year hopefully will be to Quebec city - Yves already promised he will take me there...he also whispered so many nice things to me in French, including a Bonjour when I woke up in his arms this morning.

2007-03-01T17:42:00.000+11:00

Last weekend Nikos, Steven, me and our mummies all met at Anna Bay. We rented a beach house there, relaxed and basically did nothing except for drinking, swimming and cooking. Nikos & Steven brought their dogs along, it was so nice to have a nap at the backyard (of course on pink bean bag) and play with the doggies.
On sunday mum and I had a long walk at Fingal Bay, beautiful area!

meaningful fears

2007-02-05T11:46:00.000+11:00

David says "Stop analyzing and thinking too much", I think that is the key to a happier life, although it is a very grounded habit not wanting to go away from my addictions list. The last course I did, Matrix exploded, teaches a similar approach to life. Analyzing, thinking, struggling and putting continous energy and attention in whatever I try to achieve does not necessarily end up with achievement and with pursuit of happiness. What makes us happy is written somewhere else, a place that we ignore or not prefer to go. Whatever name you may call that place, lets say higher self, already decided on what appears in my life. So I think it is better to come to terms with it, rather than ignoring it. How do you come to terms with your higher self? Only by appreciating what you have right now. I know this concept is "so not me", but I am understanding that happiness and many other things in life are connected to this simple concept, that I resist to practice. Resistance only comes from our fear to change, transform, our fear to loose "who I am". This last one is the biggest fear, and if you overcome this fear, life will be such a different space to live in, you know what I mean if you ve seen the movie, V for Vendetta (highly recommended).

What has been going on in my life and how do I struggle with my "self"? I will go into that with some keywords: Boyfriend, emotional intensity, friends and good time, more research projects, weekend outdoor activities, getting back on the diet and gym, less alcohol consumption, saving water in the house (because each drop counts), thinking about why the sharks come to Bondi recently, still waiting for bloody Volkswagen to deliver my car, getting excited for Mardi Gras parade, getting excited that mum is going to watch me in the parade, and there I will hold my Bf's hand (got this idea from NSSG).

That s all for today...

does mind gets quiet?

2007-01-07T17:47:00.000+11:00

Nothing becomes quiet. Yesterday and this morning I was feeling awesome and now I question everything again. The Turk says he is in love with me. Sex has been amazing by the way. We talked about being officially boyfriends. And I am fine to call it whatever it is, but the more important thing is to trust that he is committed. When he is with me I do not usually question his behavior, and later on, I realize certain things that were not quite right. On Saturday at NSSG's picnic he met most of my gay friends, but I thought he was not making enough effort to participate in the groups of boys. He sat there partly reading his sms es and talking on the phone, when I was socializing. Then the next thing was showing me affection in public, again in front of my friends. It s funny I always criticised people who did that-I still think it is unneccarry to show a lot of affection/ kiss and cuddle in such a social event with friends. I had a couple of beers and I did not think about it at the time, but then I thought he and I was over doing it. Exeggerated public display of affection is a sign of insecurity, insecurity about a relationship.

The other thing is I want him to move in to a flat close to me (whch we saw on sat), rather than being 2 hours away from me and living with his girl-friend. He cannot make up his mind, money, job, hesitations etc. but I know he can manage all those things if he really wants to. I again question whether he really wants to be my BF, or it s just a display of the idea of loving me. it s hard to know...especially at this stage.

I build up expectations so quickly because I am a full time dreamer. I want to be in love because I am a desperate romantic. I have my own way of thinking and my way of how things should be and I am quite stubborn about them. These combinations do not make an intense emotional involvement any easier. The Turk says he loves me but I am impatient to see the evidence for that. I hear it but I do not see it and my logic and analytical side tells me that it s not there. What is the evidence for love? how do I know he loves me?

the night with the Turk

2007-01-03T10:38:00.000+11:00

The Turk stayed with me last night. It was very nice, and I enjoy being with him. Now I am working on my desk and he s having a nap on the couch. It feels like he s been with me all these years. We talked about the past, and the future...he said one of the reasons he came to Sydney was the opportunity to be with me. Since he had heard that I broke up with my BF he has been dreaming that we could be together. It s so cute that he can talk about his emotions and his desires without fear. He said, for the last year and a half he s been comparing everyone he s been dating with, to me, and that he was not able to set up a long term relationship for that reason. I think I still cant believe that we still like each other, and that we waited for so long to be together again. Last night, we were holding each other, not wanting to leave each other again. He said, "I m here, and not going anywhere". I remember again that phrase " when you love everything becomes quiet" so today, finally I can hear my mind is getting quiter. Calm and relaxing...thank God.

NYE without the Turk

2007-01-02T11:21:00.000+11:00

Meeting with the Turk was abit weird at the start, until I drank two beers and relaxed a bit. We walked for hours; The Rocks, Botanical Gardens and ended up at the Tilbury to have lunch and beers. Through our trip he told me how he finally decided to come back to Australia, what his dreams are about living in Sydney, what he s planning to do etc. I like the life vision he told me, then I felt more in tune with him. Drinking our beers I talked about myself and felt really comfortable with him. At some stage I realized he was looking at me with that expression in his face : I really like yu. And what have I done? I said dont look at me like that, and went to toilet. Why am I so difficult sometimes? Why does it take sooo long for me to trust someone?
We laid down on the grass and talked about Turkey, then I invited him to my place to watch Little Britain, cause he s never seen it. He loved it. that s a good sign. He put his head on my lap, meanwhile I was biting my skin around my finger, he took my hand and held it in his hand. everytime i started to bite my finger he did the same, that was cute :) I did not suggets he could stay over, we caught a bus back to the city and he caught his train back to one of the far south west sburbs, where he is staying at the moment.
Next day I called him and said that I would love to spend the NYE night with him at some stage, if he could change his plans. He said he should talk this girl who has been planning his arrival and their NYE night for months. In the evening he said he could not make it, could not leave her alone at any stage. I was already very drunk and emotional, so I did not take this very rationally. I was upset...quite upset that he did not change his plans. I even sms ed him saying that you can come at 5am in the morning. The answer was NO because that they were gonna stay at someone's place bla bla bla. "No he does not really care about me", if he cant change the his plans. IT is so simple for me, I do what I want, I just have to tell those people around me and they d be ok (unless they re codependents or alcoholics). This girl loves him so much, that he did not want to hurt her feelings. She planned it, wanted to be perfect etc etc. What a drama.
The next day I woke up feeling upset again, feeling rejected and abondoned. We started sms in each other again in the afternoon, he said he could not have done it the other way, I said that I was not convinced but let s move on. I am becoming a psycho whenever I m trying to start to have a relationship with this Turk. I feel too much, I repress too much, get angry too much, everything is amplified - and for no reason. I just find it difficult to understand why he cant be with me, I want him all the time, I want to be his priority. Definetly it s mad.

Relaxing and turning inside

2006-12-24T18:00:00.000+11:00

I have been trying to stop my thoughts whenever they become negative and judgemental towards me. I watched 5 hours of Down the Rabbit Hole (what the bleep do we know- extended version) on thursday and friday. Did not do any work just watched the DVD s cooked and fed myself, had naps in between to understand and digest what scientist are talking about throughout the documentary. It s a lot of work but it is rewarding. Thursday afternoon I went down to the beach to watch the sunset, and I felt really positive and happy. When I work on my thoughts and spend time with myself I feel very relaxed, comfortable and affectionate to other people. The lesson is I need a lot of rest as well as down time for my mind. However I felt guilty on and off during the two days about not working. Friday I finished watching these dvd s and worked on my painting in progress. I ve started painting this canvas months ago and I tried to finish it in one day...it did not work, could not finish it, I got bored and then filled in the canvas with huge white brush strokes, so it looked like there was a storm. I hung it on the wall, and have been looking at it since then thinking about changing it. So on friday I took out my paints/brushes and started painting. I got bored and tired again in two hours. This time I did not try to finish it. I hung it on the wall as it is. I look at it since then and it makes me think that I should paint more and make the other half of the canvas matching with the part I worked on.

Friday night, I went to Monty's dinner party. We had Champagne with hibiscus flower that was lovely. The food was delicious, and after I finish my meal I found myself eating white Italian bread with melted cheese on top. I always avoid bread at dinners but this time I could not stop myself, it was so good. Then I felt sick for a while because my tummy is not used to digesting it. After a while chocolate Mousse came with berries and cream on top. I had so many drinks at that point I did not even think about whether I should eat it or not. Orgasmic chocolate mousse!! glasses of Riesling, and nice chat and lots of laugh. I felt very relaxed all night. At some stage we were showing each other some stretching exercises, Dan was showing how he can turn his palm 360 degrees, and how far he can reach his toes sitting upright position etc. We must be so loud at one stage (it was midnight) the next door neighbour came and told Monty to close the window... obviously it was time to leave.
I walked to the station with Matt and we talked about relationships, intimacy, partners etc. Recently I ve been feeling very comfortable with Matt and I open up and talk about my emotions with him. It is nice that I have this with comfort zone with someone, since NSSG has left.

Saturday I was not happy with myself in the morning, basically because of the hangover. It took me a while to settle my thoughts and turn them around to feel good - it has been a lot of work for me lately. In the afternoon I went to shopping and did not buy anything. But I have tried on lots of cool stuff. I watched my body in the mirror in the changing rooms, it looks fine, I think I am happier than ever when I look at my body recently. That s why I need to but some new, colorful and sexy stuff. I can more confidently wear tight tshirts, tank tops or deep V-neck styles (which are fashionable lately). I spotted a couple of cool stuff but each t-shirt was around 80-100 dolars, and I thought that is too much to spend now. Because I am buying a car, a brand new one, and I am going be paying for it in the next 5 years. How funny I never thought I would get a loan, it s so not me. However I am settling with this idea now and soon I will be driving a silver Golf- Wow. I like it.

Saturday night I was invited to a friend's place we watched Barbara Streisand concert on a huge screen TV and then got so passionate about Barbara and watched Yentl. Shame I never watched it before, it was amazing!
This morning I woke up did a lot of cleaning, went to my Yoga class, stretched and sweated like pig, came home cooked healthy food, ate it while I watched 10 tenors on TV, and then other programs on ABC, and then falling asleep on the couch, and then eating again and chatting on the phone. It has been raining all day, so I am really happy staying home catching up with laziness. I love it.
I am seeing Volver tonight the new Almadovar movie, excited about it.

The Turk is back

2006-12-18T10:20:00.000+11:00

The Turk arrived Melbourne yesterday. I just had a chat with him on msn. He said he s got a jetlag and that he s going to be in Sydney for the NYE. I said I am going to be here too and maybe I might see him. It was so weird to chat to him morning time, and knowing that he is in the same country, just an hour flight away.

For the last two weeks I ve been thinking about the Turk a lot. I am single, he is single, he s planning to live in Sydney...so after all the years everything seems to fall in place. I feel like the time washed away the excitement, passion, and frustrations, but it feels more real now. I do not know whether we ll have the chemistry again when we see each other, or whether we ll spend time together. I only know that I am excited about the whole thing.

Seize the moment?

2006-11-29T11:30:00.000+11:00

I was having my morning chat with my Dating advisor (NSSG) and he told me that I was a bit sad at his farewell dinner. However It s not because of the farewell, it s how I ve been feeling for the last two weeks. Before NSSG was telling me that he felt that I had anger, now sadness. So this reminded me something I ve learned in NLP, there are layers of emotions/states that are dominant in our lives. For some people this is anger, for some this is feeling insufficient or powerless, or disappointment or for some this is a feeling of unity, oneness. Anger is one of the most common surface emotion, below anger there is usually sadness. Sadness comes up when yu remove the anger layer. As yu remove these layers yu may discover other issues. I see this as a process of opening up, getting rid of the layers that put pressure on me. Pressure slows me down, it sometimes stops me, changes my mind about doing things, reduces my energy and hope. Who wants this kind of pressure in his life. When I ask people about their higher aims, they always tell me that they want to reach to a mode where they feel "free" and happy. I interpret freedom as getting rid of the pressure, where one feels the power and energy within to go forward and seize the moment.

My last entry was about the guy I met at the onference thinking about him but not doing anything about it. R*yan left a msg saying "seize the moment". The pressure stops me. and I guess my sadness comes from stopping myself and depriving myself of the things I would like to happen in my life. Why would I do that? Why many people do that?

conference times

2006-11-23T22:51:00.000+11:00

Hello ME. I know I did not have time to talk to you recently. I ve been busy with workshops, tutorials, conferences, software demonstrations and catching up with sleep. weekend was one of those endless search for "attraction". I tried Columbian; boys with their fag hags around... I tried Phoenix - all topless man, hot bodies, good music, sweat, back to back, smell of bodies. Next day I tried an ex admirer, and later on the Fag Tag at the Opera Bar. Ending up with a fatigue from drinks and excitement, but still positive. Ha ha I m getting older, I can better control my thoughts but not my body the same way.

During the workshop on Monday, I was attracted to an academic from melbourne. God he s got beatiful green eyes, he s a bit overweight- not fit at all, not gorgeous looks either. But he has this attractive quality, he s intelligent (his eyes are bright-that s not so common)he s ambitious (maybe to the extent that consumes him), he loves people, he likes control, he is a good talker and his mind is always busy. And I m not sure whether he is gay or not, probably he s married with children. That s the type I usually get attracted to. I was watching him while he was presenting. He likes to take control of the room, he works the room, he listens to people and naturally talks back, he makes weird connections that I d not think of, he wears colorful t-shirts, and he does not look after his hair. He s got some grey hair and very green eyes. He s got female colleagues who adores him. He sits alone and he does not care about networking. He Likes hsi MAC. I visited his website later on. he s a graphic designer, and a musician as well. I read his blog- no clues of his life-only academic stuff. I googled his name, found nothing personal. He was sitting at the foyer today at the conference venue, talking to a woman. his very close colleague caught me and talked about what she did the day before and many other things. I was trying to find a way to approach to my academic, then the guy next to him started talking to me about the demo I would make. So once again I missed the opportunity. Then they all decided to have private meeting and walked out. So that was it. No chance to catch him again during the day. I wish I knew more about him.

Reflections on the Melbourne trip

2006-11-13T21:38:00.000+11:00

Melbourne is nice, but I m glad to be back in Sydney. Each time I go to Melb I enjoy it for a couple of days, then i feel like, I am ready to go back to Sydney. I enjoyed staying in the same room with Single Guy and being closer to him on a daily basis - cause David rarely visited the room. I spent all sunday with David, we went to the Exhibitions, galleries, did the cultural tour in Melbourne, had a nice afternoon snack at the Hairy Canary (which is my favorite restaurant), and then talked about NLP. I was having difficulty in understanding how David was able to be so calm and cool about things. In that sense he is so different from me and the Single guy. He does not analyse things much, if something does not work he moves on, he is very easy going, he is ok with what we say or do, he does not get angry, and he seems to be the always calm and happy. At the Hairy Canary we started talking about my NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) course, and what I ve learned during the period. As I was talking to him, and asking whether he has has a problem that we can work on, I realized he did not really have a problem. He was able to re-program himself very well, he did not need to do the NLP. He was able to manage his thoughts and his life. Then I was very curious to learn how he was doing that, so the conversation went on and on, and I felt really good about talking to David. Actually I started seeing him from a different perspective.

The main reason why I went to Melbourne with Single Guy, was the Bloggers meeting, and particularly because I was curious about D-U-P. I had been reading his blog for a while and wondering how it would be like to meet up. I was actually hoping that I would be attracted to him and have a weekend affair, hehe. Well the real life is always suprising, it sometimes does not match with what I dream of. D-U-P is a great guy, however I was not attracted to him. I was not attracted to anyone in Melbourne. How weird. I used to have a flirtatious ME, which was allowing me to have fun with guys (in an evil way); recently I feel like i do not allow this. I am in control, I ve learned my lesson after the German architect.

R*yan is exactly like how he describes himself in his blog: happily coupled (with a boyfriend I havent seen physically). perpetually romantic. chronically introspective. sporadically spontaneous. ...an extroverted maniac hidden beneath an unassumingly nice guy exterior. I felt myself very close to him probably because he reminded me of myself: sincere and a smooth daydreamer on the contrary rejecting to go all the way for his creative side, very loyal to friends and family on the contrary not always loyal to himself.

Melbourne trip helped me to reflect on the things I prioritize in my life. My job is very important to me, I would not think of being without my academic identity, I like the challnge and the edge it gives to me. I am not addicted to sex, I prefer to have sex in case I find someone really attractive (I am talking about the personal energy not the looks).

Carbs make me happier?

2006-11-08T19:22:00.000+11:00

I had a meeting with my trainer last week, he measured my body fat, I am at %11 (%7-13 for athletes) so I was really happy. The diet program really worked. And I can see in the mirror how different I look compared to 8 months ago. Now I am used to not eating carbs, but the old habits were calling for me since I ve been proud of myself. I thought I can give myself some space and eat carbs maybe for lunch little by little. I have been eating a piece of chocolate lunch time, which meakes me really happy, for 10 minutes maybe :)) Then I ate a high carb meal on sunday for lunch and I felt so sick in the next few hours. I had to drink a lot of water and lay down for a while. Obviously my body really got used to intake of less carbs. That s a good sign. I am still sticking to my diet. Until I start to see a six pack :) hehe.

I took a photo of my tummy again but did not have time to upload it. I dont think there s much difference compared to 7 weeks ago. I keep on training though...

meeting Mr Right

2006-11-07T19:16:00.000+11:00

My NLP weekend was full-on. I find no time to spend for the house when I do these 11 hour a day weekend courses. Then Monday starts, and my schedule goes crazy again. I need the weekend to write my blog, to watch a movie or to meet friends. The NLP was really useful, it finished and now I am certified as an NLP practitioner. This whole course was for personal development rather than being able to teach NLP to people. So I did not take the testing part very seriously.

I ve written two full pages of what I look for in relationship and what type of a guy I want. I was advised to write in detail all traits that I want, be really specific. Although it sounds like that person does not exist (because the list is tall and ambitious) I know what I exactly look for now. I can tick the criteria everytime I meet and get closer to a guy. A friend of mine who is a sex and relationships coach told me to do this, and after I do it, she said I will meet the right person. I will attract the right person to my life if I align myself with this idea. The important thing is putting out the right intention, and focusing on it. The universe will help me to meet that person :))

Sex for the sake sex

2006-11-01T22:14:00.000+11:00

To my last entry, I ve got more comments than to any of my entries. Yes friends tell me it s ok not to want meaningless sex. But still I do not know how to deal with feeling desperate to have sex. I ve been looking at bodies more than ever, muscles, skin colors, vein details, every thing about a male body attracting my attention more than usual. I go to bed and think about sex, I wake up with a hard on and think about sex. It s more than usual, it s like an obsession, doesnt anyone feel like this? Seriously today I was walking towards the seminar room with a colleague of mine, and I was seeing the back of this guy with a tang top, and his large arms...I was not able to look at where I was going, my gaze was stuck. Then I realized I was walking towards him rather than the seminar room...it was embarassing :)) Well this desperation influences my approach to guys too. I cant be cool anymore, I get excited quickly and flirt stupidly more. That s not my usual practice and it feels weird.

I feel like I have to do something. I was thinking how that happened in Chicago. My friend took me to Eagle (the famous leather bar) and we took our clothes off and put them in a plastic bag and started walking around with undies on. This guy with a gorgeous body said something to me in the dark, I started touching him, and then it was all smooth and comfortable. It was a fantastic experience, I felt so pumped up the next day, felt so happy, so energized. When the anonymous sex is a positive experience it may have an amazing effect, it s better than drugs, it s natural and fun. Well I know not all attempts end like that one, but even fantasising about it makes me feel good. Enought about sex.

My flatmate is moving out on 11th, Saturday so I have to find a new one. Because I m gonna be in Melbourne that weekend, I am interviewing people during this week. So many people call because people wanna live in Bondi as summer is approaching. I ve met so many interesting characters and listened to stories. When they start to talk, they talk for an hour. I think I trigger them as well, they start telling about the problems they ve been having, relationships, jobs, girlfriends etc. When they talk too much, I start thinking that "it s not gonna be easy with this person". I ll see more on friday and finally make my decision. Then I ve got my NLP training on the weekend, the last two sessions. Saturday session is going to be about sex and relationships, I am looking forward to it. This is cyclical, my thoughts come back to sex one way or the other. I d better shut up.

Sex and Meaning

2006-10-29T19:13:00.000+11:00

Last night I met a Turkish friend sat at a cafe on Oxford st and he told me a story about the rat, the cheese and labriynth. Once the rat followed a path and found the cheese. Then the experimenters put the cheese to another place not to the end point of the labyrinth. The rat followed the path and could not find the cheese. Then the rat took different routes to reach the same end point. There was no cheese. But the rat was still trying different paths thinking that he will reach the cheese, but the location of the cheese has changed, and the rat was not able to understand it. Yeah the rat was me, keeping on doing the same thing and not getting the cheese. Once I used to find the cheese, but by the time my decription of the cheese changed, I reckon. Different paths do not change the result. I get frustrated over and over again. I can either enjoy the process of taking different paths, without worrying about getting the cheese, or I can take another way out of the labyrinth to find the cheese.

I associate love and sex together. Last night I did not go to a sex club, because I do not get what I want in sex clubs. I look at people in the dark, I froze, like it happened to me in Barcelona. Two years ago, I was in the steam room with a guy. He was hot, we started talking, he was touching me. He told me that he s got a BF but was so sick of him today, so there he was touching me. I found it repelling. I told him things to get him annoyed, he left me there, then I was blaming myself cause I could not see the circumstance as a chance to have sex, I attached too much meaning to it. Yeah I ve got a tendency to create meaning in my actions. With some expeceptions I can not just have sex for the sake of having sex, I wish I was able to do it. As a gay man it is hard to attach so much meaning and expectations to sex.

I went to the Manacle with my Turkish friend, he left me at some stage, went home to sleep with his partner. And I was there again sitting at the corner and watching the men. I did not have any motivation to go and talk to any of them. I was feeling awkward, I was feeling emotional, I was feeling vulnerable. Is sat there inthe upper rooom until everyone left. Noone came and talked to me this time. I was sitting there alone without an aim. I went downstairs, people were all there smoking talking laughing. Took my jacket and left the place. That was the end of my night. It was 4.30 when I came home. I turned on my electric blanket and got into bed. In the morning I was unhappy. I did my yoga class, my sunay shopping and came back home and slept for the rest of the day.

Responsibility

2006-10-23T22:14:00.000+10:00

What I ve learned thru the weekeend, in my NLP training...I am responsible for my speech, for my thoughts, for my feelings and my behavior. it sounded like such a weird concept to me, since I was spontaneous for most of the time. I did not think I should or would take control of these things, thinking that ME would be so boring and predictable then. The good news is when I mantain doing this, I find that I love myself more. It is a full time job to take care of ME and make sure that I take responsibility for the 4 things. I can stand up for myself and love myself. it feels really really good since sunday.

how do I not like me?

2006-10-20T20:54:00.000+10:00

Yes it is possible. I dont like myself most of the times. I trust other people's views more than I trust mine, I keep other people's promises more than I keep mine, I do what some people tell me to do (these are the people that I choose to listen to) more passionately and consistently than the things I tell myself to do. example: loosing the tammy. I put that blog entry to remind myself that i want me to do this. have I been doing my Cardio so far? no! Do I have a motivation to do it? No. Everytime I look in the mirror what do I think? It s ok to have a tammy. But ME said that it was not ok to have a tammy, so why I dont I listen to ME. If my gorgeous personal trainer had told me this and checked whether I was doing my homework every week, then I would be doing this. My Prof tells me to read this and that, and write a paper and I do it. Plus I have other tasks to do in my list, but they sometimes do not get the priority. That s what I am talking about. I am questioning whether I respect myself as a person. ME is telling me to behave in certain ways, telling me to do things, telling me to go and have sex, telling me to sleep, telling me to run in the morning, telling me to meet my deadlines. I am doing maybe half of these things, and most of the times, I loose my motivation so quickly. This is all about how important ME is to me. not quite important, as I understand?

If I listen to what ME is saying and remember that "ME is a respectful person who knows what is my best interest" and that "ME would never fail me and would never stab me from the back", and that "I can really trust ME", then I might start liking ME as well. That s how I start liking other people and start respecting them. it is a difficult concept for me to realize and apply to my daily life. Maybe this is the only way to like myself.

the day and dad

2006-10-19T19:46:00.000+10:00

Walked down to the beach today. It was a warm morning. I walked to North Bondi and back, very relaxing. not so warm to swim yet. Came back home checked a few emails, then cycled to the gym. I did a 75 min workout. My trainer added a stretching session to the end, so it takes longer now. Cycled back home. Called HP to ask whne they re going to deliver my laptop, it will take them another week, cause they had to order a new system board form US. They never keep their promise, this was supposed to be finished yesterday. I talked to the supervizor, she promised she d call me in half an hour, she didnt. I called her back in 1 hour, and said
Me: You said you were going to call me in half an hour
Her: yeah I talked to the hardware store, they had to order it ...bla bla
Does she ever acknowledge that she did not keepher promise? she was supposed to keep their promise...I can worry myself all day with how people are loose, but this only drives me crazy. When the work is finished they re going to return my laptop anyway, can I do anything else to speed up the process? No. So stop being angry. I realize that I felt angry with these HP people all morning, I ruined my morning.

In the arvo, I came from gym, had chicken and brown rice. Liz came to help me to take my e-piano to the repair shop. The sound stopped all of a sudden. It s an old Yamaha, if they would charge a lot to fix it, I might as well forget about it.
Then I went to Woolworths, bought soy milk. For the last four days I ve been drinking my protein shake with water- which does not taste very good. because I thought there was no soy milk inthe fridge. I was placing the soy milk on the shelf, and I saw that there was already one soy milk in the fridge. How did I not see it for the last four days?

Then I cooked for the next couple of days. Because I will be doing the full day NLP training for the weekend, and wont have time to cook, clean etc. I had a salad an hour ago, talked to my sister on msn, talked to mum later on, and finally my dad. I ask dad how he is
Him: good...(silence)
Me: is everything going well with your work
Him: yeah going well...(silence)
Me:...(silence)
Him:...(silence)
Me: Any tourists in the hotel?
Him: yeah it has been raining for the last two days, too much work for us. the rain brings the sand from the beach. I coordinate people to tidy up.
Me: Ok...(silence)
Him: Did you talk to your mum and sister?
Me: yeah (silence)
Me: Ok i ve gotta go.

I wish I could talk about R2 and ask him whether I have daddy issues? He knows I m gay, but he doesnt wanna talk about it. We wrote letters to each other, the letters had more content, more emotions, and thoughts. other times not much of those. The letters hurt me. He left a letter in my drawer when he discovered that I am gay. He never talked to me about it. two years ago I ve sent one, and he sent one, saying that he loves me, but that he is really upset about me being gay. That letter still hurts. I rationalize these thoughts, emotions and find a lighter side of the whole thing, but it does not make my relationship with him better. We did not really have one, and I do not have motivation to make it better. I want him to ask me how it feels and be ready to listen to me. However I am not sure if I have the courage to tell him how I feel about him. That would only make him more upset. Why not leave it?

learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all

2006-10-18T22:13:00.000+10:00

R2 sent me a message: "thanks for making me feel very special". I was happy to get this message because it meant that this is the end and it is a good ending. I texted back "you re special".

I loved the idea that R2 would love me, take care of me, would make me feel that I am loved. R2 however was not able to give it to me. Once more I chose the wrong person. Some inner voice was telling me that:yu re not gonna be his #1 and this was attracting me to him more. Sven took me to that posh party where the average age was around 45, all rich people, expensive champagne, food and expensive outfits. art collectors, designers, antique shop owners, decorators...very lively environment I must say. I met Sven at the fruits in suits a week before that. He gave me his card told me that I "should" call him. I did not. He googled me and found my email address and sent me a message. The same day coincidetial it is, he caught me at the central station and walked with me for a while and told me how he found out about me on the internet. I thought wow! what a nice guy, he goes for what he wants, what a brave heart. I finally gave him a call and we decided to meet at the Green Park. Then as a second option he invited me to this party (in which 80% of the population was women) and I chose the second option cause it sounded more interesting than a gay bar. That s where I met R2. He was walking around the room, catching my gaze at some moments. I thought then he is charismatic, and I wasnt sure whether he is gay or not. One of the women told me that he s a bisexual. My thought: oh yeah he s the greedy flirtatious type, he flirts with women and with men, whichever suits. He is extremely calm and relaxed, does not seem to show his emotions, controlled...yeah he can be such a Mr cold heart. So i was attracted to him. once more to someone who is as cool as ice - who is not ready to give love or care about someone.

On the other hand Sven, nice and sweet and he is ready to love me...no i am not attracted to him at all. Next day I was honestly telling him that I will not be a BF material for him - he was dissapointed. The same night I called R2 and met up with him. I was feeling so good! no guilt. this is called self sabotage.

I never believed that R2 would love me, I was ready for this split, and actually I made it happen. I could have given him more time, eventually he would loved me...I know for some people it takes time to trust someone and overcome the fear of being hurt. That s what R2 told me, he wanted to trust me through time. I was quick to judge. My thinking: he resists being closer to me, and it wont change, he wont love me. Deep inside I must believe that I am not lovable - so I create my own reality - I create my reality by picking up the guys who seem to be hard to get, who will resist being close to me. I create that reality by believing that he would never love me anyway. Instead of giving time and working through fears and issues I dump out the possibilities. Now I am back in my mood keeping myself extremely busy at Uni, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, thoughts wandering all around the place, things are falling apart; tax return, internet problems, my new piano and new laptop need to be repaired, empty fridge, skipping the gym ooops that s too much. I know I have daddy issues but I am not desperately in need of a mature man's love. I ve been doing allright, and I ll keep on going.

Mr R2

2006-10-17T15:40:00.000+10:00

R2 came to my place on sunday. We spent 2 hours talking, and ended up kissing and kissing. It was nice. R2 invited me to dinner at his house for Wednesday. today he called me and asked whether I wanted to go to a meditation lecture.
Me: Yeah lets go and see it. Is the dinner still on?
Him: Noo i wasn't organized to cook, maybe we ll do it another day.
Me: hmm ok.

Then I hang up and started to think. So I wont see his place, I wont have a nice dinner with him, I wont have the chance to be more intimate. What s going on? I could not help thinking that he avoided the meeting/ dinner at his place, and brought this alternative instead. I was excited about getting closer to him, but he kind of resists, that is how I feel anyway. Maybe I am only attracted to this resistance which he performs very naturally and probably not intentionally. Maybe I feel like I am never going to be his number one/ priority in his life, and that s what I am attracted to. What a shame.

I wrote to Single Guy, and told him how I feel. He said be honest about how you feel, did you tell him how you feel about this? I decided to call R2.
Me: Ok. we talked about being honest about feelings. Here s how i feel. I liked the idea of having dinner with you, instead of going to a lecture. I thought this was a date. I need to make clear that I like you, and I wanna know you more, and be closer to you. This is only to communicate to you where I stand and I would like to know where you stand.
Him: I dont know you, I do not know you enough to say that I want to be intimate with you. I think we can become friends first, intimacy comes later.
Me: Well I do not sleep with my friends. Is that what you want? to be friends?
Him: yeah. I cannot tell you at this stage that I want a commitment or an affair with you
Me: I cant tell it either, but there usually is a feeling, when you like someone, you wanna know that person more. I want to know you more. and when I see you next time I wanna kiss you again.
Him: Yeah sunday night, it was a bit too quick.
Me: you mean the kissing? was too quick
Him: yeah. It all happened that way. I do not know you that well. I do not want to make a quick decision that will put me into an uncomfortable relationship, or that will hurt me or hurt you.
Me: Fair enough. I feel stronger towards you than you feel towards me. it is good to know. at least I know where I am standing.

the conversation went on for a while, but all I heard from him was that he wants to take things slow and wants a friendship etc. etc. At some point he also said I m too young for him. (I was thinking there we go, I thought about the same thing, that he is maybe too old for me). the conversation did not end with happy note. I am dissapointed because I had expectations. He was confused or not ready to meet my expectations at this stage. So once more I am dissapointed. Looking at the lighter side of it, I am still who I am, I laid everything on table (as I do with everyone), if he does not want to take it, I can move on. I will not lower my expectations, as liz says: I d rather die alone. I will keep on looking for someone who feels and reacts as quick as I do. thinking more than 80 percent of the population is not as quick and analytic as I am, my chances are low, but who know? Single Guy found someone, and that gives me a hope :))

Diet, exercise, issues and R2

2006-10-16T19:30:00.000+10:00

I am still strict on my diet, no carbs for lunch and dinner. Morning exercise, I havent been dedicated, cause I cannot drag myself out of the bed. For the last 3 weeks, I wake up at 6am and start working. I get a lot of work done by noon that is usually paper writing. Then I was running between UTS and Sydney Uni, because I had to submit the final version of my thesis to USYD, and deal with data collection of a new project at UTS. I started making demos of a software, it s a company in Germany and they show me as representative in Australia, for selling their product. If any institution buys the software I will get some percentage of the total price. It is a good deal, if I am able to sell a couple of licences. I ve been going to my NLP practitioner tranings and I realize they happen to be very useful for communicating with people, building rappor, or understanding people's states and matching them. I have been using the techniques I ve learned thru the courses, and I feel I already have a smoother flows with people.

I did my family of origin work, which was very useful. I drew three circles representing my dad, mum and sister. I drew arrows to and from these circles and wrote messages on each arrow; what each person in the family communicates to each other. These messages came out immediately, it is a work of the unconscious, I happened to write them, and then I was shocked to see how true they were. I also realized that I have been replicating the messages mum says to dad and dad says to mum, in my intimate relationships. I started crying...because I realized why I was feeling uncomfortable in my very intimate relationships, why did I do it to myself for such a long time? I am 31 and I am just realizing how I perceived myself, how I perceived my BF's and my family. It feelt like I ve been blind or seeing another side of the whole thing. This was on the ling weekend monday, I spent all day in my room, writing about my self realisations, sometimes crying, sometimes getting tired of thinking and falling a sleep. It was a lovely weather and I was invited to this picnic at Bronte, but I was so glad that I was staying home and working on my issues :)

I met R2 (an art collector, age 46) at a posh house party. Single Guy calls him the Daddy. there is something about him, I am so attracted to. I feel excited when he is around, I like talking to him. I like thinking about him during my day. I like watching him, the way he moves, the way he walks and sits, smiles and talks to other people. He has this mature male charisma, he s got the shining green eyes, and the calm tone in his voice, with an American accent. I am going to see his place on wednesday, and already excited about it. He s cooking, which is a good sign, and I am going to help him organize his files on his new MAC...

Plans for a ripped body

2006-09-19T13:22:00.000+10:00

Although I ve been dieting and exercising for the last 8 month, ss seen in the picture, I ve still got a tammy. Actually I had this tammy for a long time, since I ve started Uni 10 years ago, it never leaves me, so I like it in a way. But maybe it s time for break up. I am starting again the regular cardio exercises on top of the gym, while I maintain my diet. I hope to do this for the next six weeks. So I ll post another picture by 31 October.

Thesis and lunch with boys

2006-09-16T18:07:00.000+10:00

I ve been finalizing my thesis. I can only do it on the weekends, because I work full time now. This whole PhD and research environment is about being able to take criticism. Spending four years on a project, owning it, working for it, defending ideas, learning more and more about the core of the subject matter makes someone attached to it. The project somehow becomes personalized. Then writing the thesis. it almost feels like giving birth to something, so the whole experience becomes more personalized. Then the thesis was examined by some experts, and they got back to me with pages of corrections/ objections and also with some supportive comments. To take the criticisms is the hard bit. Spending months on writing that book and then reading a report that says conceptualization of the topic is weak, claims are bold, there is an overly detailed analysis, correct this bit, change that bit etc etc. This is how it works, the whole research environment. I think I do the same when I am asked to review a paper, I criticise it a lot if I can. Maybe It is a bit egotistic. It feels powerful.

So for the last two weeks I ve been trying to digest what has been said about my thesis and taking the constructive comments to build a better one. I think research is mostly about re-building. Today I finished making the amendmends, so I feel lighter and happier compared to last weekend.

I had lunch with the boys at Bondi, and then we walked along the corso. The beach was pretty full, it was like a day of summer, beatiful bodies started showing off again. I was watching Leo today, there is something I like about him: he s open and spontaneous, he does not think too much when he talks and I find it refreshing. I like David because he is always nice and calm, he looks into people's eyes when he talks to them, that is refreshing too. I like my Dating advisor because he is controlled, he does not drop his guard down, he knows he should perform when he is on stage and he does it naturally and enjoys it at the same time. I respect him because he created himself as a good actor in life and he never gives up on his performance- that is who he is.

that s all for today

seek what you are seeking for in yourself

2006-09-11T22:09:00.000+10:00

My astrology says" "All you need is love, and a little sense of humour" and that they re the two things at my disposal for having success in life. I ve been feeling I need love, but I am so guarded to even be close to someone. Most of the times I think and analyse too much. Other times I do not at all. I loose myself, my thoughts for getting the attention I want. It is like not eating carbs for three months and then finding yourself in a situation where you cant really stop yourself eating them.

I drop my guard if I let someone in (both emotionally and physically), then I start to open up and be available for loving and being loved in return. I havent let anyone in for a long time, I think it s been 8 moths. I am starting to feel like I am breaking down a bit, I mean I dont feel as strong, focused and as independent-self-sufficient as I ve been. I am questioning my job, questioning my relationships with friends, colleagues, questioning my value/confidence, questioning whether I am the person I think I am, questioning how I present myself, questioning why I talk about myself too much, questioning whether I have too much ego, whether I am intelligent, or whether I have been taking the easy paths/tasks, less rewarding ones, whether I have the right choices for myself, whether I judge a lot, whether I like myself or whether I may love someone?

I stop and read what I have written above, then I kinda like it, and then I question whether I write this for myself or for someone to read? Why do I have all these concerns? Can I just relax for a moment? take a break? I sometimes feel like I am trapped in myself. One of my girlfriends used to say that she is a gay man trapped in a woman's body, I think I may be understanding her now. There is something which is quite not right for some of us. About the way we present ourselves, and the way we really are. I am concerned about this lately, and maybe the root of the problem is in there.
Myabe the solution is simple, it s all about the "self" as, Mevlana Celaleddin Rumi says
"There is another soul in your soul, seek out for it.

There is a treasury in the Mount Body, seek out for that treasury.

O mystic who goes on ! If you are really capable then seek.

Not outside , but seek what you are seeking for in yourself."

The need for attention

2006-09-03T18:45:00.000+10:00

Last night at the Columbian, I was attracted to a conversation with a german guy, who was quite engaging, edgy and camp. He s been in Sydney for only 4 weeks, and working as an architect. Although I was not pshysically attracted to him, I kept on talking to him, trying not to be flirtatious, but friendly - which is is a difficult balance to keep. I did not want to make the assumption that he wants to sleep with me either. He was quite intrigued by the observation that Ozzies say to each other "how r yu" all the time, and he did not understand why. He said that a German says "how are you" only if he s really interested in someone, and geniunely wants to know about that person. A thought at that moment passed my mind, so "he must be interested in me, since he s been talking only with me for the last half an hour. He seems to be fun to hang out with, so I thought why not spend the rest of the night together going from one pub to another. He agreed and said "lets get pissed" and we started drinking whisky/vodka on the rocks...We went to Phoenix, took our shirts off (it took him another three drinks to decide to take his off). At one stage he approached and kissed me. I was not expecting that and I didnt know how to react. I said "I cant do it" - what an silly thing to say. He felt rejected, I felt guilty.
That was really an awkward situation. I went to the bar and grabbed two beers, looked for him, couldnt see him. I thought he must have left, not being able to deal with the rejection - this thought was relieving. I thought I could offer this extra beer to the guy with the beatiful body who had been dancing next to me, before the architect kissed me. I took the bottle, then the architect appeared, with a nice smile on his face. He s such a nice guy, and I had so much trouble all night about how to say no to him. We sat together and drank the beer. I was looking at the guy with the gorgeous body, he s already taken by another gorgeous body. Yeah this must be the end of the night. The architect was still next to me, and I was quite drunk. We left the club, and walked towards the bus stop on Oxford street. I did not wanna leave him, di dnot want to sleep alone. I suggested that we can sleep together if he likes - no sex, just cuddly sleep. He agreed, and I said "lets go to your place" because he said he s got a king size bed. On our way to Elizabeth way, he gave me a history of ex-boyfriends, emphasizing that he only dated with intellectuals and artists (and I was thinking whatever, many artists are wankers anyway). He said the BF's all ended up being loosers and in a weird way he was always attracted to potential loosers. I said "yu re giving me the msg that I might be a looser, cuase yu re attracted to me", what a silly deduction by the way--but I was drunk and it was 4am. He was angry at me, he said he was confused cause he didnt understand what I really wanted "sleep together but not kiss, not have sex? what was all that about-giving mixed messages". So he said he had enough, he was exhausted and he walked away.

I felt terrible. I know I gave mixed messages-and this was not the first time. And I am quite hopeless about saying NO to the guys who flatter me with tones of attention. I have a pattern: ending up the night with the guys I do not really desire. Waste of his time and my time, not fair to anyone. What could have I done? Tell him from the start: "I am not sure if yu re flirting with me , but I'd like to hang out with you tonight, and look at and flirt with other men". I think this is being open/clear about how I feel, but it s difficult to do when I am getting all that guy's attention. The need for attention is an addiction, and it is hard to realize/accept this addiction. It hurts me and the other person each time I get involved with satisfying my needs of attention. But I do not know yet "How to Quit" this.

Loved my ex

2006-08-30T21:50:00.000+10:00

Today I was watching Dr House and during the story something made me realize that I loved my exBf. I was always thinking that I stayed with him because of convenience (for 2.5 years), because he was my friend, because he was loving me, because I was feeling comfortable with him, and because he was accepting and liking many things about me. I thought "being accepted" was a good reason to love someone.

I also thought he was not good enough for me. He was not my type (not good looking), he was not butch, he was not agressively ambitious or aggresively something at all. Therefore he was not what I would call my lover or partner-and I never thought he would be that-but I loved him anyway-I know this sounds weird.

He was relaxed, interesting, happy, and simple. That s what I liked about him, even I was resisting to this idea. At that time that's what I needed from a partner, no complications, no mind games, no drama or passion. I thought he was emotionally plain because he wasnt putting attitude to his behaviour, to his feelings. I knew he was "feeling" but in a non-mediterrenean way, in other words without displaying any passionate mimics. He had nice romantic ideas, once he put rose petals from the lounge room to the backyard where he set up a dinner table with candles, following the petals would take me there. We had a fight one day and the evening he came up with flowers and found a chalk somewhere and wrote on the street (in front of the door), that I m the only one he loves. For my 30th birthday, I had a theme party and he chose to wear a big white shirt which he wrote with paint "happy birthday, love you", he made my birthday cards instead of buying them, he took me on road trips instead of tangible birthday gifts - because he liked to be spontaneous and surprise me. As I said he was doing these things naturally-without passion or attitude and without expecting me to show any appreciation. Maybe that s why it was so comfortable to be with him, a very low maintenance Aussie guy.

I feel good about writing these things and being able to say after six months that I loved him for those reasons-and they are not bad reasons at all.

Surf and life lesson

2006-08-27T21:32:00.000+10:00

David and me had our surfing lesson today. Fantastic experience once more. it is a very engaging experience. I was talking to the surf instructor, at some point she said "you learn so many life experiences through surfing". I think those might be being patient (for pedalling and for the right wave to come), watching your back not to be kicked by others (not to be kicked by big waves or other surfers), and spending all your energy to catch one wave you believe will give you great excitement, because that might be the only wave you will catch in your surfing period.

the idle chatter

2006-08-24T22:25:00.000+10:00

Here s my astrology for the day:
"Idle chatter just wastes your time and is a drain on your emotional resources. For you it's all about taking action, not just flapping your gums. Figure out a way to say what's needed. Learn to follow through"

So true, absolutely true. I ve been chatting on msn a really hot guy (Turkish) who I ve found thru Gaydar. He s been in Sydney for 7 years, he s very very well educated, well travelled, and looks fit and very sexy in the pictures. He is sick of living in AU, he feels a bit lonely, he wants passion and love and mediterrenean guys! I told him to go and live in Barcelona, and that I was there in July, and that it is a fantastic city, which has the passion, history, culture, style, beaches, amazing food and beatiful weather. He said he decided on a career change and working towards it now, he was not happy at all, and I was continously criticising and challenging him for his decisions (as I do most frequently -- annoying!). So he got frustrated at one point and told me that I ve been negative about his life! Was I ever negative? I said you gave me the clues, "it wasnt hard to figure out you re not happy here". So there was this tension and draining conversation which went nowhere (I thought)at least nowhere near a meet-up, hang out or sex. Today he says hi, and tells me that he decided to go and live in Spain. He said he s been looking for language school and so on and so forth. I was almost getting drown in the conversation, then I remembered last time - how I was emotionally drained - so I told him that I totally support his decision, but "I have to go and finish my paper" so I did. I feel lighter. The idle chatter was ignored -despite he s very handsome and sexy! I love reading my astrology for the day, they tell me exactly what to do:))

having a child?

2006-08-23T16:31:00.000+10:00

Had an interesting talk with mum last night. I was telling her that I have been feeling lonely, even in my relationships, and she suggested that I can have a child. She thinks I can raise my child by living with a woman in the same house, but still sleeping with men when I need to. This woman, the mother of the child, could be one of my friends who agrees on this arrangement. Something like the Madonna-Everett movie, The next best thing. In the movie they have the child, start living in the same house, having their separate lives etc. untill Madonna falls in love with a guy and decides to go with him to another city, with the child. Well this sort of failure is possible, as well as other unexpected situations. I reckon, that is the risk to take. I remebered my conversation with Aretha, she has no will to find a husband, but she started to plan having a baby. I get along well with her, we used to do the boxing classes together, she s like my mate, she likes rock climbing, trekking, camping, gay dance parties, surfing and skiing. She travelled all her life until she finally chose to settle in Sydney. She looked for love on all continents. Now she has been planning to have a baby without having a partner, so she moved to Northern beaches, leased her own place, bought new furniture and so on. What if I find someone like Aretha and suggest that we have a baby and live together? Sounds crazy to me but then I think about being a father, and giving my love and finding love in return...I feel like this soothes my soul.

lonely

2006-08-22T17:14:00.000+10:00

I feel lonely today. Horny and lonely :)) one follows the other. I took this picture in Fiji, although the photo looks quiet and lonely I was not feeling it when I was there. It s not about having people around or not. It s about whether they like me or not. or it is about whether I like me or not. Some days I like me a lot, some days I relapse into my past feelings, not liking myself, and criticising me a lot. When it s the case, I criticise people as well, then they run away, and I feel lonely. Probably not because they ran away but because I end up not liking myself for criticising so much (both myself and others). Ah I am so dramatic today. I d better watch TV.

Karma

2006-08-20T17:50:00.000+10:00

Being attracted to someone is difficult. I ve been excited since last night about this boy I met. I did not want to have a one night stand with him, since I thought he s worth more than that. I ve sent a message to him in the morning, whether he likes to meet for a coffee. He did not reply all day. I ve been thinking about the possibilites: 1. he slept all day or he lost his mobile phone, 2. He picked up last night and spent the day with the same guy, 3. he has a hangover and not in the mood to see or talk to anyone. Of all these three options, the positive thinking says: there s no evidence that he ignores me, even if he slept with someone else he might be calling next the day or the other day, and we ll have good time next time we meet. Negative thinking says: he was after a shag, that s why he flirted with me, he's got no romantic thoughts related to me, he ignores me cause he did not like me enough to commit himself spending time with me.

Negative thought sounds really realistic to me, because that s what I ve done/felt recently towards some guys I ve met. And they were more excited about the whole thing, but I was not. I did not want to spend extra time after that night, even if I thought they were sweet and nice. I did not want to commit myself to further intimacy cause I knew i did not find them attractive enough to maintain a longer term intimate relationship (relnship involving sex). How about becoming friends? I am not interested because the guy likes me more than I like him, so his expectations from me even as a friend would be much more, and this changes the relaxed/comfortable mood that I look for when I am around friends.

This is karma. It s coming back to me. I promise to be more gentle, considerate and decisive when I flirt, I will try not to give promising open-ended vibes that eventually will put the "guy who likes me" in a difficult / emotional situation. Ah, I don't know if that s possible? Real situations are so more dynamic/ mostly less controllable. Dreams and fantasies are sometimes unstoppable, I went to bed thinking about him, I woke up this morning thinking about how good he looks when he smiles. I remembered the things we talked about, his expressions, his laugh, his lips, wrists, I still have a strong imagery of him in my mind. I tried to distract myself all day; did a killer workout at the gym which gave me a headache, gossipped with friends, repaired my bike etc. But I still hurt now, I can imagine how it felt for the other two guys who might have had similar dreams / expectations about me - even if they say "everything is cool" and that they did not have any expectations.

Some serious talk and Good videos

2006-08-17T10:52:00.000+10:00

Good news first:
I have a flatmate from today, a Norwegian girl. She s cool, beautiful, honest and seems to be considerate. She s gonna stay till end of November, but it s good enough for me.

I am having dinner with MR El Salvador tonight. He was happy to hear from me.

Last night I cooked for a girlfriend of mine, we always laugh a lot and have good time when we get together. This time our conversation was about his brother who has been living with her for the last 6 months. The weird thing is he has not been working, not contributing to the rent or other expenses, and he drinks, gambles and uses drugs. He rarely comes out of his room (only to eat, and to buy cigarettes or other bad stuff) and he argues all the time with his sister, stresses her out about money and other things. I said to her that this absolutely an abnormal behavior and should not be acceptable even he s her brother. She s not supposed to slave for him, look after him and plus fight with him every night. This whole thing sucks her energy out, she has been sick for the last 3 weeks, seeing doctors, taking antibiotics but not getting any better. I told her that her sickness has been psychosomatic, and unless she changes her life she wont get any better. She tried to help him get over his depression and then tried to get rid of him, left him out, told him to f..k off, nothing worked really. Her family thinks that she should be patient and keep looking after her brother (by the way he s 34). Here s what I advise: Find another job or transfer yourself to another branch in another city, leave the house telling him that he needs to take care of himself from now on, change your mobile number (so that the family will not call and abuse her emotionally), start a new life in yur new city in a one bedroom unit (this also means getting rid of all the furniture from her divorce); a fresh start that s what you need. Plus I promised her that I could help with arranging the things she leaves behind in Sydney. Ok maybe this is a big change, but I am always fond of big changes if there s gonna be a change :)

Here are two of my favorite short videos:

1. Shakira: Hips dont lie Spoof version

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8718728501056290731

Please special attention to the lyrics, I think this song is the song of the year!

Shakira, Shakira

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man want to speak Spanish
Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa
Shakira, Shakira

Oh baby when you talk like that
You make a woman go mad
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

And I'm on tonight
You know my hips don't lie
And I'm starting to feel it's right
All the attraction, the tension
Don't you see baby, this is perfection

2. Jessica Simpson's new Video (she does fantastic videoclips!!!??)

http://video.accesshollywood.com/player.html?dlid=25644

The beginning conversation is hillarious, at some point Jessica says "I wanna be more famous than the internet". I think this phrase is phenomenal, its impossibility strikes me.

Mr El Salvadore

2006-08-14T00:01:00.000+10:00

I had a very nice Sunday with Mr El-Salvadore. I met this guy at Manacle last night. I was so drunk and a bit stoned with the cookies I had at Mark's theme party. Earlier, David came to Bondi for surfing, and then he came to see me and I showed him my costume for the night (Turkish pimp: white trousers, black shirt, black curly big wig-the picture would have been complete with a golden necklace and rings but I dont have such accessories). Later on I went with David to his place, he took a shower, and put on hos cowboy costume while I was looking at the photos he took in Mongolia - looks like a wonderful place, serene, minimal and comforting scenes of land. Then we caught up with Mr dating advisor (MrDA) to have dinner in this Indian restaurant. I started drinking there while MrDA told us about his Thailand stories. I was pretty relaxed after 2 glasses, then went on drinking Sangria at Mark's party, met two gay couples, no potential flirt/pick up material, so after midnight I decided to go to Manacle on my own. I was really tired and drunk but having another beer at Manacle cant do any harm right?

Standing sipping my beer and checking out people. My perception is slowed down, drinking my beer seem to take two hours. Three guys on my right, one is checking me out i can tell. I look towards them, he comes next to me and we start chatting. I meet his friends, but I have hard time remembering their names. My short-term memory span is 30 seconds, I have to repeat their names internally, from left to right, to remember. After some time, he wants me to come to Phoenix with them, then asks for my number and I say well we re going to be in the same club for the rest of the night, so you dont need my number do you? ok I accept I become a bit cocky when I m drunk. We went there, started dancing, then I realized that I dont remember the name of this guy. But even he tells me I forget it in the next 30 seconds so what s the use. I ask him if we re going to sleep together tonight, he says yes. I ask why he doesnt kiss me, he says he s waiting for the right time. I become more excited about this guy. The right moment comes in an unexpected moment, and he kisses very passionately. We came to my place, had a good one, then towards noon walked down to Bondi beach had lunch and spend the rest of the day there, with lots of city to surfers. Stream of people walking up and down, people everywhere. We spend some time with two of my friends (he got along with them well, so that s positive), then had a beer, then lay down on the beach. Realxing day overall. Nice chat, comfortable man and very horny all the time. Hard to handle for me, someone who is continously horny around me, I feel kind of uncomfortable, thinking that all our activities/shared time will end up with sex. it turns me off when I think about sex so much, it is better to have it without predicting. About Eden: He s well educated, well travelled, well brought up and well groomed. He barrowed a t-shirt, my junper and my shoes to go out for the day (that was too intimate for me, but I could not say no, plus he gave me no other choice), he likes to hug and kiss and be physically close but it is too intense for me to have this kind of a relationhsip with someone I picked up the night before. I felt like we were already in a relationship, and that scared me off. The intense intimacy also freaked me out. I have had a Latino BF 3 years ago, so I know that Latinos do not tend to calm down later on, what you see first day continues pretty much the same for the lifetime of the relationship. What I have experienced today was the emotional intensity and personal boundaries loosening up. yes I know for intimacy to occur, boundaries have to be opened up, but then it was difficult for me to put the boundaries back again with this guy. Eden wanted to be closer, to be more intimate, and to stay with me more and share my sunday with me. He was doing it in a very sweet way and with a personality, so it was hard to reject him. I struggled to say NO to him, and this mainly freaked me out. These feelings reminded the hard/unbalanced/intense times I had with my ex Latino, so I freaked out once more. Eden is not my ex, he s a new person, and he does not deserve my pre-judgments but still I could not help it. He took my jumper with him and said that he s going to return it soon. Another chance to catch up I guess :)) After he left I cooked for myself and watched the Australian Idol. I was amazed by how the judges decide about people in the first 10 seconds. So I thought it is possible to foresee and realize quickly what will work and what wont. I reckon it wont work with Eden. Next time I will have to explain him that we should be friends if he doesnt mind being my friend (considering that he will think of sex all the time when I m around, this may not work very well, we ll see).

2006-08-08T23:01:00.000+10:00

How do you feel when your internet explorer is locked when you re writing your blog. I had to terminate it and loose everything I wrote. I ve got no motivation to write it again.

Living with people

2006-08-07T21:30:00.000+10:00

First work day after my 6 week holiday. I was struggling to do some work all day, little concentration and lots of socialization. Throwing smiles showing off my tan and healthy look. I wish I could afford travelling for 6 months of the year, moving from one city to another, no attachments, no ambitions for life. Make friends and lovers for couple of hours, couple of days, walking away without worry...sounds like an easier life to me.

What about intimacy? if I dont get to spend longer periods with people how do I get a chance to be closer to people? Do we deal with intimacy very well? Do we put enough boundaries and also know when to flex those boundaries?

I ve been looking for a flatmate since I arrived Sydney because my Japanese girl has moved out while I was away. She dumped me with a note on the table! She said she emailed but I never got it. Anyway I got over it and started looking for a new flatmate. This time I put an ad on gay webspace. Today my apartment was selected as the home of the day. David read my ad on the web and send me back an email, he picked up on something I wrote in the ad: "If you re in a relationship I d prefer you staying over in your partner's house". He thinks that it's a bit rough...But that s how I would feel comfortable in my home. For some reason I do not like living wih a couple, even if it is one or two nights a week.

When I was living with Paul (a gay guy over 45) my Bf used to visit me and stay over 2 nights a week, and I thought Paul should not have any problems with that, because we were not really seeing each other in the house for two reasons 1. the house was big enough 2. Paul was working till late. In my case, my apartment is small and intimate and I usually work from home. So I was concerned that I wont have much of a privacy if I have a flatmate with a partner. Plus there is a different dynamic of a couple, when they occupy the same space, they have a different energy/synergy (whatever yu call it), and it is usually difficult for a single person to handle that. This is my opinion anyway.

I was thinking "am I being jelous of people in relationships"? Whenever I see a good looking gay couple (good looking in the sense that they get along well and they re physically matching) I like watching them and then it hurts me as well. If I see a couple getting along well but not physically matching, or a couple physically matching but not seem to get along very well in the long term, it doesnt really hurt me. When I see a good looking couple in both ways, I feel sad that the chances I will match with someone ever like that is little.

I ve been to the launch of a new artwork where I ve seen my collegues with their partners, I ve looked at them and thought that they re doing well. I talked to the partners and discovered the ways they match well. it is obvious why they re together, they end up being harmonized. I ve also listened to a gay collegue of mine who has been collaborating with a female artist, and they even seemed to match very well. He is rigourous, analytical, patient enough to the groundwork, and the female is spontaneous, creative, impatient but fruitful. It turns out to be a good partnership, since the gay one does the readings and programming and the female brings out the ideas/concepts.

Maybe the relationships are about knowing oneself who s/he is and what s/he is capable of doing while also knowing what the potential partner is made of and what s/he is capable of doing. When I put it in words it sounds cliche, but in a nutshell I think that s how it works. Here comes my problem: do we define ourselves before we get into a relationship or as we construct the relationship? If the former is the case than it is sort of boring, to limit who I might be, and if latter is the case there is the risk of loosing/comprimising who I am while re-constructing myself in the relationship. I am confused with my descriptions. No wonder relationships are difficult.

in Fiji

2006-08-06T22:56:00.000+10:00

I am in Fiji today and it feels like paradise. the nature is so quiet and relaxing, no chaos, no people, no stress. MY baggage has been lost on my way from Los Angeles. In the morning I spent some hours at the airport waiting my luggage to come thru, then it did not, then I had to complain and fill out a form etc. All day I did not esssentially needed anything that was in my luggage. Life is simple here, life is natural. I sunbaked with my undies, so what? there are really few people in the resort and they are all retired. Nooone was close enough to me to realize that they were my undies, and even if they did what is the big deal anyway. I am still wearing the same clothes for more than 24 hours but that is ok too, it is simplicity again. Reminding myself that I do not need a lot of clothes, swimmers, t-shirts etc. I could do without shaving and moisturizing for couple of days maybe. Well I hope my luggage arrives tomorrow, I don't think I would be tolerant more one day.

Today I went to town to cash out, and booked myself a Captain Cook Cruise to some island. The weather is not so hot but the water temperature is ok to swim. I am staying in an oceanview buree. Coconut trees, tropical plants and ocean infront of me. It feels like a movie. All afternoon I listened to the birds at the backyard, it s not boring because there is a surround sound system :) the birds move quickly when they sing so I hear the sounds from all changing directions. I closed my eyes and listened how they moved around me, it was so meditative. It is possible to hear every single sound here, how the leaves of the coconut trees move with the wind, the construction sounds km s away, the planes, the birds, the hotel staff around talking to each other. It is really interesting to have an environment without a background noise (the cities have continous background noises). There is silence here, and other voices/sounds are on top of it. Maybe that s why it is easier to differentiate the sounds, being alert and responsive.

There was a low tide in the afternoon, the sea walked away metres from us, the boats sank into the muddy sand, shallow water remained in some parts making up a beatiful scenery. I walked on the remains of the sea, I took photos of seaweeds and the large areas of sand. the sea looked like a desert with water shining on its surface, exceptional view for me.

Today I admitted to myself that I want a relationship. I realized that I have been avoiding even the idea of a relationship with someone. I tried to write about the reason of my avoidance, it turned out that I have been scared of getting into a co-dependent relationship again, be emotionally dependent on someone, take care of him all times and consume my energy and thought on that person. On the other hand, I ve been enjoying my process of nurturing myself, taking care of what I eat and how I look, go gym regularly, make an effort to cook the best dinner for myself, setting up goals and reaching them, paying for a life/career coach and getting the most out of it, and regularly strengthening my belief in God (or lets call it a Higher Power). These have been the things that helped me so much so far in recovering from not taking care of myself for a long time. I am trying to love and accept myself, to say positive things to myself, and trying to stop negative or worrying thoughts whenever I found myself struggling with them.

In Chicago

2006-08-06T22:54:00.000+10:00

Gay games scene: so many differeny types of men together in one city. It feels like the gays are the majority. it is a good feeling and at the same time a weird one, because it feels like we live in a straight town where everyone is gay. So the feeling I get used to, which is "being a bit different" is not there anymore.

I ve been staying in Chicago with a friend of mine Bogac, whom i know years back from Turkey. Actually we came out of the closet at the same time when we were still at University. Bogac lives in the middle of Boystown, across the road from the gay bars. We woke up today with techno music, cause they set up outdoor entertainment on the street we live. It s been like a dance club since 9am.

I have a sore throat. I dont know if it is an STD or just catching a cold. it s probable that it s an STD, because I had a night with a massage therapist (we all know what massage includes). I met this guy at Eagle in Chicago. I usually do not go to semi sex clubs but this time I wanted to give it a go because it was Gay Games Friday and all the bars, dance clubs had long cues at the front, so we did not want to wait in the line and get in the crowd. Bogac told me that we might have to take our clothes off, put it in a bag and wander around with an underwear in Eagle. I said, no I wont do that but stand around the bar with my clothes on. When we got there I did not see any cute guys that were my type. Bogac told me that there is a dark room part where everyone is half naked and touching each other, and there may be more fun over there. Ok, I said ok, let s do it. We went to the toilet took our clothes off and gave the bag to the concierge guy. The dark room was really dark and warm and smelly. As soon as my eyes got used to darkness I started checking out the guys. I saw people giving each other blow jobs, some really cute ones and some old ones, all in different shapes and types :)) The idea of having sex in a public place turned me on. Well it s not like the steambaths and sex clubs, but this place is in between, no porn shown on TV, it is a bar/pub context but people are much more relaxed about having sex. I was getting a drink from the bar and I saw the guy next to me was receiving a blow job, clothes on, everything normal, looking around and getting his blow job at the same time. the public sex was so normalized in that place. Soon the bar was getting more crowded. A guy approached and said something I do not remember now, something like he s a comedian?? I said Are you really? I d be so attracted to you if you were a comedian, and he said "do you want me to lie?", I said "No dont lie i think your re a comedian". That s all we talked, and then started kissing, long long kissing.

I think having sex makes me feel good. Afterwards there are consequences of it. I sometimes start thinking about what should've s, and what could've s, re-configure the scenes in the ways I would more like it, me behaving in ways that I would more like, would like to see, think of and appreciate. The real scene however has passed, and re-configuring it does not really add to my actual moment. Do I learn lessons, when I imagine more favorable scenes? I dont think so. I find myself doing the same patterns in similar events or doing silly things in unexpected situations. The I find my self judging what I should have and could have done in a previous scene. So this re-configurative imagery is maybe a waste of time and more important it turns out to that I negate myself by perfectionizing the scenes in the past which have not happened that way. These imaginings do not end up with positive affirmations. I end up getting angry with myself or the other person because noone has ever behaved perfectly.

Dietrich

2006-07-16T23:08:00.000+10:00

I met two hot guys in Dietrich, in Barcelona. Carlos is the spanish one, younger (must be 25 or smthing) camp and sexy, very spanish looking, has lots of energy, chatty, and is a very beatiful man. Gilbert, his partner, is from Luxembourg (German looks), age 38, good looking and more of a butch type, very nice to talk to and very sexy too. I asked about their life, where they work, where they live, whether they go to gym, cook at home etc. They re too lazy to go to gym but still have toned bodies/ no hair (some people are lucky), they live by the beach, Carlos is a nurse, Gilbert is a researcher (blink blink). I connected with these guys very quickly and enjoyed their company a lot, I think they did the same. After Dietrich, they wanted to take me to a more authentic Spanish bar, where 80 year old people sing mouling rouge songs???, when we got there we ve seen that the bar was closed. Then we kept on walking in the narrow streets of the gothic part of the city, dodgy streets, all look like a labryinth, 3am in the morning, I would be so scared if I was not with locals. They were telling me this joke, where some locals become friends to tourists, take them to the back streets and leave them in the middle, then the gangs come and kill them. Ha ha ha, it s a german joke. I must confess, I became paranoid all of a sudden, but no no no, these guys were really sweet. We kept on looking for a bar, which was supposed to be very good, as Carlos took the information from the bartender in Dietrich. Well apperantly that bar was closed too and the bartender is a dickhead. We decided to go to Martinz (the club where everyone goes after dietrich). We were too far from the gay district so looked for a cab for 20 minutes, finally got one (it s such a hassle to find a cab in Barcelona around early morning). We are at Martinz, the guys paid for my entrance, we sobered up a bit so directly went to the bar and ordered vodka redbulls. In Barcelona they give half a glass of vodka with lots of ice, and give the redbull with the galss, and it s not much expensive than buying a beer. People drink spirits, rather than beer, because there are no centiliter limits, and you get your money's worth (and a hang over). That was my 4th vodka redbull for the night, so I was feeling quite relaxed. We started dancing. My God, Carlos was so sexy, he dances with a Spanish character, gives a big smile, shortly all guys surrounded us, some older men became very friendly, and Gilbert was kind of balancing the situations. This Martinz club was like the Phoenix in Sydney, underground with a Bear-like crowd. Soon everyone on the dance floor took their shirts off, so we did too. All night I was thinking about having a threesome with this couple, but I was not sure how to approach them. I was putting my hands around Carlos but he was implicitly getting away from me, saying friendly things etc. I met some other guys, danced with them, but no my mind was still with the couple, this couple was the cutest in the whole club, and I was so attracted to their energy. Starting from our conversations in Dietrich, I found both of these men very different and very sexy. Carlos was the more childish-energetic type, Gilbert was the mature-masculine type, nice picture of a good balance. I learned they ve been together for 6 years, and still they were having a lot of fun together, that was something I really admired.

My energy levels were going down, it must be 5 or 6 in the morning, I ended up not picking up anyone. Carlos and Gilbert dissapeared for a while and they came back saying that we re going to somewhere else. Another guy joined us (one of their friends). We went out started looking for a cab again. They said we re going to a sex club, but that it was not a sex club, and that people dance there looking at the porn movies on TV. I was too drunk to make a decision, I said fine. After half an hour of walking and chatting, we managed to find a cab. We got to this place with a big steel door, Gilbert knocked the door, someone opened it. 15 EU to get in, they paid for my entrance fee again (I was already broke buying the drinks). A long bar with a lounge at the end, porn on TV, not very crowded, group of amazing looking guys chatting to each other, all beatiful bodies (without t-shirts). They were actually like porn stars. I asked Gilbert whether these guys are rent boys, he said no no, they are like us visiting this club. We took off our shirts, ordered the other round of vodka-redbulls. I was feeling really tired and still drinking, but was not questioning what I was doing there either. We walked to the back of the club, there were toilets and dark rooms. Carlos took me downstairs, where it was really really dark, I was not seeing much except for guys with white belts. All good looking bodies. Some doors and corners, sound of sex, smell of sex. I was totally frozen- this usually happens to me when I go to sex clubs, expcially to the ones where sex is so mechanical and meaningless - like the dark room concept: not really being able to see the person, do some basic things move on to the next one. I lost Carlos, then I saw Gilbert around, he went into a room where there were two other guys and locked the door. 10 minutes after, Carlos came around he knocked the door, the door was opened, he got in, door locked again. Ah what s going on?? I thought these guys were loyal to each other. Maybe they are loyal but my concept of loyalty does not include having sex/fun with other people - and in a sex club like this. Was that the time I could have had sex with this couple? well I was not feeling all comfortable in such a setting, then I realized, it did not matter to these guys, they were having fun, and they wanted me to have fun too, that s why we hanged out together all night. Why was I becoming all so sensitive and romantic? I leaned back to the wall, guys entering into rooms, going out and entering other rooms, I was watching this weird circulation, did not see what was happening behind the doors- it was too dark anyway. Both Gilbert and Carlos was in that rooms for a long time, and I started asking myself what the hell I was doing there? Some sexy gusy were around me, maybe all I had to do was touch to one of them, and take one to the room, I could not do it- as I said I was frozen. I did not feel horny at all, looking at the porns did not do anything either. I went upstairs, started watching more porn, thinking that it might tirgger something. I was at a sex club, so I d better do something, when I go to a coffee shop I order coffee, so when I go to a sex club I am expected to have sex? who expects me to have sex? me? Carlos? Gilbert? I fell asleep watching the porns upstairs, so I thought It must be time to go. The guys did not turn up although I waited to see them again. I left the place, the steel door closed behind me, there was an old man 10 meter a head, walking his dog, he looked at me in weird way, maybe he has been wondering what was behind that door for a while, dont worry Mr you dont wanna know. I got on a cab, it was 7.37am. the taxi driver was chatty, but I was not. Went to my studio and had a 6 hour sleep. I woke up thinking I might feel the regret of not taking advantage of the situations- as I usually do. Recently I am dealing better with the feeling of regret , I told myself that I was not expecting from myself to have sex in a sex club, I went there without thinking and ended up feeling numb. Numbness creates regret- because numbness is the causeof the lost opportunities. I go numb at sex clubs, that is a given fact -I experienced that before. Trying to calm myself down, another part in my brain asks qustions: why did you not get in the room with Carlos and Gilbert??, why did you not get in a room with another sexy looking one?? I dont know the answers. I started thinking agian : My perception/conception of sex is so different than Gilbert and Carlos and the others. Do I need to change it or stop regretting about it?

The concept of my ideal gay couple is shattered once more. Maybe the couples do not continue to have fun after 6 years, unless they create such "fun" activities for them. For me sex is intimate, and it means more than what people do in dark rooms. If I was Carlos I would have felt awful because my partner needs to have anonymous sex in dark room. Maybe my concept of an ideal gay couple does not exist, maybe this concept of a straight couple does not exist either. Dont know.

Conference days

2006-07-16T23:06:00.000+10:00

I have organized a workshop with Jul and Sam. Jul is in Cambridge Uni now, she used to be a PhD in Sydney, and then she got a job there since last year. She told lots of good stories about Cambridge, the social life, culture, art, and many possibilities of fun everyday. She seemed very happy of the environment however had some problems with her boss and the management issues of the research centre. She said she appreciated the Sydney Uni environment more than ever, since she experienced these frustrations. Sam is from Bremen Uni, and I met him two years ago in Boston, in conference. Last year I went to Bremen to spend time with his research group, and had a really productive week there as part of my holiday. During the year we all decided to organize a workshop thru emails, and got together again a day before the workshop to dicsuss the final issues and the questions to raise during the workshop. We met at a restaurant by 6.30 started drinking the bavaria beers while we prepared the slides and the flow of the workshop. We order food, talked about what has happened in the past year, and also future plans. We did not realize how quickly the time passed, before it got dark around 10.30pm. We went to another cafe ordered chocolate brownies, ice cream and coffee and kept on doing the work. It was almost midnight and we decided to taste the dark beer (They call La Trappe), andkept on drinking until 1am. We finished the slides in Jul's hotel room, around 3am.

I woke up with a hangover, did not want to get out of the bed, thought that I should not have drank so much while we worked -ah the the influence of friends- what happened to my healthy lifestyle that I maintained in Sydney? I drank every night duing the conference, but I guess this the spirit of European summer. Everyone is out, drinking at the cafes regardless of weekend or weekdays. The workshop was a bit dissapointing since the quality of the discussion was not at the level we wanted, and the discussion was more around the methods and definitions rather than the the queations we have raised.
The workshop night, Sunday I met few new people who arrived for the conference, we had dinner together and then went to a pub to watch the World cup final (Italy/France). I enjoyed chatting with Alex, a professor from Glasgow, he is so talkative and has a great sense of humour. Jul and Sam joined us too, and because Jul is a pretty girl all male academics are attracted to where she is. I stopped drinking earlier this time and left group around midnight, to get good sleep. Well, my hotel room was so noisy becuase it was next to a pub and people got really loud even after midnight, there was not control over that either.

First day of the conference, very stimulating discussions, papers, a professional crowd from many disciplines who are interested in Design. I ve learned that I have to present another paper I co-authored because our project leader could not make it to the conference. That night we put together the slides did a rehearsal of the presentation with Figen, a PhD from Sydney. Alex chaired our session, it felt good to present and discuss our work with a large audience. Conferences are fun especially if I am a part of the attention.

Last night we had this conference dinner, with unlimited alcohol, what a good reason to get drunk. I sat at the table with people I know from Sydney so that I wont get in trouble with the effects of the alcohol. Eachof us finished nearly a bottle of wine, then we moved to a bar called Beer Professor, tried couple of tasty flavored beers, where I became chatty with everyone I saw. I started talking to a gay guy who was around Jul all the time, the first thing he said was that I ve got a really good heart and he can see it thru. How can I resist to such a nice comment. With 10 people from the group, we ended up in his hotel room, we ordered more beer to the room, talked about weird things that I dont remember. Then I remember that I was sitting on the floor with Walter talking about sex, then that was when everyone decided to leave. Walter insisted that Jul should stay with us (was he thinking about a threesome? ) of course Jul did not stay. She knew about my plans on Walter, so she left us alone. Wlater is a Belgian buy who lives in Paris, he does artifical intelligence research for Sony, he s cute, tall he s got style, and a nice vibe. His hotel room was looking over the big area where all the cafes/ restaurants were located. We kissed, and talked, looking out of the window. Wlater was pessimistic about his research and the overall academic environment. I feel like myenergy is sucked out when I talk to a pessimistic person for an hour, same thing happened. I did not want to convince him anymore that doing his PhD will make him feel better (because it eventually does--because it is about learning to trust what you say and make other people trust in your ideas _ as Alex puts it_ isnt it a good way of creating confidence?). At the end of the conversation I felt like I did not have energy to sleep with him. he was not interested in sleeping together either. So I left his room.

I woke up with another hangover this morning, feeling a bit regretful of drinking so much, an being so open around my work collegues_ oepnly flirting with Walter and staying with him after everyone left and bla bla bla. I had to get up, pack my luggage, attend to the last day of conference, present my poster, and then rush to the train station, catch the train to Schipol to catch my plane to Barcelona. It took me a while to leave the hotel, I missed the morning sessions but not the luch provided. I saw Walter for 30 seconds, but trird not crash into him. Druing lunch and in the afternoon he dissapeared, maybe he felt weird about last night too. So I never had a chance to say bye to him. Now I am on the train to Amsterdam, writing on mylaptop. There are miles of flat farmlands and cows, green and flat. I will manage to catch my flight on time, so I decided to relax and reflect on the last couple of days. When I get drunk I come closer to people. I hurts to know that, because this means that other times, I refrain myslef from getting closer to people. I wanted an intimate night with Walter, and I got what was possible to get in that situation, nothing was planned, things flowed so smoothly, and I felt like I was popular and I was likable more than the usual. Yeah drinking sometimes creates that feeling/condition, and I really enjoy. I wish I could maintain a similar condition in my daily modes. Why am I so in need of being close to people but also limit myself for not getting closer. Probably because I scare that I might be hurt. Walter in a way rejected me las night, but it did not hurt so much. I think I built up more confidence, self acceptance and self love over the last couple of months. I know now that why people reject me is not becuase of who I am, but it is about the situations, other person's perception. pre-conceptions etc. Already in Amsterdam, getting close to Schipol. Gotta go.

In Schipol. I ate another boring lunch, snadwich sandwich and sandwich again. Dutch dont eat anything different than a sandwich? These days in netherlands has been so bad for my diet. The available food is carbs only, if you re not ready to pay a fortune for a decent meal. Potatoe bread cheese and salami everyday. I was lucky to find a supermarket selling salad packs and fruit (very exceptional). Dutch people are good looking when they are young, but not eating healthy deforms the looks of many older people. Eindhoven is a small city and the crowd you see on the streets are all young people, probably because of the University environment. Men are tall and built, I saw lots of trained/well maintained bodies, and handsome faces. I am still a bit drunk from last night. I d better sleep on the plane. Tired of writing.

Leaving for Eindhoven

2006-07-16T23:05:00.000+10:00

it was hard to leave home, my mum dad and sister. Mum and dad took me to this resort for my last 3 days in Turkey, and we had so much time to talk and stay together. Itt s only 10 days in a year I see my dad, so I really wanted to spend quality time with him. The resort was so relaxing, some of the higlights: I rode on a JetSki it was so much fun, and adrenalin, I asked myself why I did not try doing it before. Second adrenalin source was parasailing. I m not very good at tolerating higher altitudes, especially when I m gliding/hanging in the air, connected with only two straps and a rope to the boat down there. My mum did this parasailing before couple fo times so seh was experienced, calming me down. We got on it together, and I got so excited when we got really high to air pressure dropped down, and I forgot about breathing because I was so strongly holding to the straps. Then, mum reminded me that i can release my energy by screaming, and I did. Eventually, I was glad to be on the land again. She wanted to do it again the next day but i said that was enough for me.

I took my flight to Istanbul which connected to Amsterdam, then took a train to Eindhoven, where the conference is held. between Amsterdam and Eindhoven there were so many farmlands, flat green empty spaces with cows and the smell of natural fertilizers. Netherlands was so nice and organized after the experiencing the non-stop chaos in Turkey, chaos in architecture, chaos in public transport and traffic, chaos in people's behaviors. Netherlands was so sophisticated and calm after all. I talked to cute guy on the train. I was talking about the sunshine and beaches in Australia and in return he asked me whether there is any culture in Australia with a smiling face (what a cynical question). I said, no not like in Europe, but it s got its own vibe.

I left the central station in Eindhoven, and it was almost 8 pm. it took me nearly 12 hours in total to travel from antalya to the hotel in Eindhoven. I asked the police how to get to the address and they suggested that I took a bus. But noone knew which bus to take, because everyone rides on bicycles. I took a cab and got into my room. The hotel is next to a pub, so the room was very noisy untill 2am all weekend. Then another bunch of people leave the clubs at 4am, so another wake up call for me. Meanwhile I attended a workshop first day and co-chaired another workshop second day. The Architecture Faculty is so stylish, a modern and smart building. The blinds roll down and up automatically by sensing the amount of sunlight coming into the rooms. The doors open themselves when necessary, and AC stops when it wants to stop and noone can do anything about it. The smart technologies / buildings can be annoying when we have little control over them.

Eindhoven has nice cafes and pubs and a lively young crowd on the streets spending hours at the cafes drinking the tasty beers and socializing.

in Istanbul

2006-07-07T02:24:00.000+10:00

Saturday 5.15 in the morning, I got on the bus, without sleep and still thinking about the Turkish boy I slept with. He had strong triceps and chest, and to me it feels better to hold a stronger man. I am gald that the gym concept has become popular in every gay culture, Europe, US or Turkey, so that gay boys all want to become toned/muscly. I went to 2 most popular gay clubs in Istanbul, Love which is very European and with Lots of attitude, and Tek Yon (means One Way) a more relaxed place which accomodates all kinds and ages of Turkish men. Tek Yon is hard to find, it is hidden on one of the back streets of Beyoglu, but it was easy to notice when we got closer, the little street was full men hanging out together. it is really an interesting place, truck drivers kissing each other, hairy and fat men dancing on the stage, a couple of really gorgeous Russian boys picking up some Turks with a moustache, guys of age 50-65, muscly Turkish studs, construction workers, Mafia looks, tansvestites, married men, divorced men, curious and horny straight men, bisexual men, rent boys, and really youg rent boys who look like 15. All in one club. When we entered the club the waiters came and ask if we would like to have a table? that was so weird, but it is so Turkish, some men like to sit on leather couches by the table and would like to be served while everyone dances like crazy. The place is so crowded that noone can reach the bar. So there are those waiter boys wandering around asking people what they d like to drink and bringing their drinks to them. So all you have to do is order and pay the waiter when he comes back...what a luxury. Service is always so good in Turkey, there are always more than one waiter serving for the same table in even moderate restaurants. I could not stop watching one guy in Tek Yon, I was totally amazed by the beauty of that Turk. He was the ultimate example of a hot original Turkish look, very dark hair and dark eyes, a bit of chest hair, beefy and sexy. I guess I watched him too long my friend had to distract me. He was dancing with another really masculine guy (the truck driver type), so I had to give up. An athletic guy with beatiful green eyes, fair hair was standing next to me, I checked him out, he looked like the models in a Milano fashion show, he was wearing a pair of hot blue satin shorts (which showed his beatiful muscly legs), a big silver necklace, a singlet and boots, that was it. I said to him, nice shorts and he said thanks, he was obviously not Turkish. Then a short, mafia looking guy came and picked him up, he was looking at me in an aggresive way, obviously because I talked to his boy, after a while they left the bar together. I saw my friend kissing a cute guy, then he came up to me and said he wants to go home with him. I said fine. I was thinking He met him 2 minutes ago - boys are like fast consumer products, they start kissing when they see each other, I saw too many gay guys kissing at the bars/ clubs, unlike Australia where kissing is not really a public act. my friend said that I might have difficulty in finding the apartment so he took me out and showed me which street to go, then he went back to Tek Yon. I was already so tired and exhausted and it was 4 am (Sunday), so I went to sleep.

I stayed with Suhayip in Istanbul, I know him for about 10 years now. We were at the same Uni, he was doing modern dance I was composing music for a coreography and that was how we met. I did not know he was gay then, a couple of years later I figured it out, and we did not become close until we started doing the same master program. We started spending more time together, I played music for his coreography, we went on holidays, movies, had dinner and lunch together, even at some point he suggested we could share the same apartment- but I was scared then, because I realized I was attracted to this guy, and he was only considering me as a close gay friend. We were also a member of an activist gay group, where we used to get together and tell each other about coming out stories, read some gay/lesbian articles in English and discuss them, organize parties for increasing awareness of gay men/women to each other in Ankara, and also meet some more in the closet guys and bring them out. We shared the same circle of friends for a long time, so Suhayip is one my friends who never has an expiry date : )

Leaving Ankara early in the morning I was in Istanbul before noon, I went to Suhayip's place and had breakfast. He lives in an apartment in a historical area full of character, in one of the earliest buildings in Beyoglu. He s got a secret garden view from his bedroom window which is quite exceptional for Beyoglu apartments. I slept for an hour, then we went out to have lunch. He invited a guy to introduce him to me- there was a debate on whether he is gay or not, this guy is cute, my height, built body, lots of style, confident self image and attention to details, besides he is an actor, dancer and a musician. I found him really attractive, if I would have a BF that would be him, the sad thing is I dont think he s gay. We strated chatting, and I learned that he lived in Melbourne for a year or two and then decided to come back to Istanbul. What is all this story about attractive Turks I met, that they have a connection with Australia? He said he may visit Melbourne in November and HE took my OZ number, so all I can do is, hope we might meet again :)

After Lunch (well it was 5pm) we went to see the whirling dervishes, the ceremony took place in a Dergah in Galatasaray, close to where we stay. It was so hot and humid, and no air-conditioning inside, they charge 25 bucks because it s a tourist attraction, and still no AC, it s a shame. The ceremony was so hypnotizing, both the whirling moves, the ambience and the music, so that was an interesting experience for me. Then we went to have a drink and then for shopping and then for dinner, and it was almost time to go out. Dressed up, had couple of glasses of wine to relax, and off we go, to Barbahce, one of the earliest gay bars in Istanbul. Still very good ambience and music. The bartenders are amazingly hot, they show French Rugby players on TVs, the music is uplifting, the crowd is very stylish and cute, and one vodka-soda is 17 AUD. The prices in Istanbul are unbelievable. Plus I had to pay entry fee to each gay club (something around 20 bucks). I dont know how people can afford entertainment every week in Istanbul, considering that the economy is all fucked up anyway. I saw a couple faces I knew, I talked to them, heard their stories, I met a Russian guy who lives in London - he said he s been with 10 people for the last 10 days, good score Good on ya mate. Then we went to Love, the upmarket gay club (very pricey again), where every gay tourist has to go. Lots of cuties in their 20's, amazing bartenders, straight boys and girls (I dont really understand why they go to a gay club, but I think it must be fashionable to dance with gay boys on stage), and too much attitude (something like in Stonewall). After a couple of hours we got so bored of the attitude and left there (people go there just to show up, and then the cute ones leave early, the place is like the "look at me I m here" place rather than a pick up venue). Tek yon is definetely a pick up venue, and when we went there I could smell the testosterone, a bit of sweat with after shave, and this touchy feeling with everyone, and kissing couples everwhere, really active and on the spot.

Suhayip came home around 9am in the morning, he did not want to sleep, but wanted to have breakfast with me...how cute!. We went to the Galata biridge, sat in a cafe under the bridge looking towards the harbour, shining water, fishing boats, and ferry boats, having fresh feta cheese, tomatoes, olives and cucumbers with plenty of fresh white bread, that is the typical Turkish breakfast. Later on we went to shopping again, because Suhayip needed a make-over. There was one big shopping centre which sells outlet stuff, you can find lots of brands there like TopMAn, Ted baker, G-Star, Levis, D&G for less than half price. So we spent half day there and I ended up buying enough denims and shirts to last for a year. I need to empty my wardrobe when I go back to Sydney to create for the new stuff. Suhayip did the same, he doesnt need to shop at least for a year.

So my Istanbul trip was really efficient in terms of shopping and catching up with friends and getting to know the gay life in Istanbul. I flew back to Antalya and had a 12 hour sleep. My family booked a room in a 5 star resort for 3 days, and we have been chilling out here since yesterday. Lots of food and alcohol (all inclusive- people eat every two hours here), lots of tourists, pool, beach, games, discotech, sauna, massage, fitness, Thalasso, all facilities included- it is crazy, it is non-stop consumerism, but it feels really good. I can live here for 3 months. I ve gotta go and sunbake myself now.

In Ankara

2006-07-04T05:43:00.000+10:00

The past three days I ve only slept for 10 hours. I flew to Ankara to sell my piano A musical group "Company" has been using my piano for their practice at the University I was graduated from. I left my piano there when I left for Sydney, and did not have a chance to go back and have a look at it for the last 4 years. Yeah it s quite a long time for not seeing someone I like. I say someone cause I believe my piano had a personality. It sounds weird but each piano has one. Some have strong, some have weak personalities. I only get to know it if I spend more than couple of months playing a piano. Anyway I always appreciated my piano's personality and patiently tried to work with it until we became friends. I tried to sell my piano to someone who will love it, but I couldn't. It felt awful when I left it behind. Then this group of University students who sing musicals took my piano to their practice room and looked after it for a long time. I thought this year I have to say goodbye to my piano, and arranged selling it to them for a symbolic price, really less than half of the original price. I went to Ankara, and signed the papers and took the money, knowing that my piano has been and will be loved and looked after.

It was a bit emotional to go back to my University and remember lots of memories while I walked in the big and leafy campus. Students looked similar to me, smart and modest, many of them who do not care about their looks, because they are hard working students. It is the METU culture: reactions to americanization (although the education is in English), a bit of protest, altenative and anti-commercialist, although each year the Campus becomes more commercialized and americanized.

I stayed with Yusuf, a gay friend of mine in Ankara. He had a crash on me two years ago when we first met, and then we decided to stay as friends-although he often mentioned moving to Sydney and getting married (he s a bit funny). He started living with Sami his best (gay) friend in Ankara, and he started dating with a guy who works for a bank, a non-scene, good looking and attentive guy. I stayed with Yusuf and Sami but did not meet the new boyfriend. Yusuf said that we should not meet because his BF can become jelaous. The BF was calling him every 2 hours, checking out where we were, what we were doing etc., but he did not make an effort to join us either. I like Yusuf's company a lot, and I was glad that I did not have to meet the BF and deal with jelaousy issues.

I spend Friday whole day in Ankara, and met up with some Uni friends for dinner. We talked about careers, relationships and memories. The most surprising event was that Faruk, an old friend recently came out, he told me that he is gay at this dinner. I always thought that he could be gay and shared this with other friends, so I was not shocked when I ve heard this. I asked about his love life, and learned that he had a 9 month relationship with a cute mexican ambassador. It was good to hear that he eventually started establishing his gay life at his 30s. I remembered how stressful it was when I came out, because of the pressure in Turkey created by family, culture, religion and tradition. I did not have a chance to hear his coming out story but I m sure his adventure had been difficult too.

My Uni friends, me, Yusuf and Sami went to a bar and drank till midnight. Yusuf showed me a guy at the other table and mentioned that he s such a nice guy and gay. I looked at him and thought he s cute: dark hair, dark eyes, muscly and sexy. Yusuf invited him to our table, and I ve learned that he s been doing his masters European Union topic. Wow handsome, attractive and smart Turkish guy, the type you can only find in the boring capital cities not in crazy metropolitans. He was sitting next to me and I was touching his legs with my knees, and he did not pull back his legs for a long time. Well it was almost 2 in the morning and my hands were touching his legs under the table. He was talking to the other at the table and I was only touching him. He grabbed my hand and held it for while and then our hands were making love. It is so exciting to start touching someone you know for 5 minutes during a semi-serious conversation. Obviously we ended up liking each other. I had a bus ticket to Istanbul, at 5 am in the morning. I told Yusuf that I wanted to be with this guy for my last 3 hours in Ankara, and he said fine, and invited him to is place. We went there together, kissed in the car, chatted in Yusuf's house and then slept together. we were so comfortable with each other, a lot of kissing and cuddling, so much passion and touching, I realized I missed sleeping with a Turkish guy. that feeling of intimacy, even I did not know him very well.

I had to leave him too early, I had to get ready and catch the bus to Istanbul. He asked me to cancel it and stay with him, I said I planned this trip long time ago. He asked me if I was sure. Of course I was sure - I did not want any complex emotions during this holiday, just fun. I said bye to my cute Turkish boy, and Yusuf took me to the bus terminal.

Family

2006-06-29T07:03:00.000+10:00

I ve been with my family for the last two days. I realize how intense life was used to be in Turkey and within my family. Everyone in the family is into each others' business, there s so much gossip going on- my grandma loves it- loves to talk about and criticise her own children and grand children. Every year I go to see her she becomes upset with something we do or we don't do. No one ever relaxes. Someone always try to take care of me, even with changing channels with remote control - I mean come on how difficult can it be. Maybe I ve lived my single life for long enough to notice and react to these behaviors. I used to like it. Being taken care of, being safe and secure, being told what to do, and even what is right. For example I do not want to go to a dinner because my dad thinks we should be going there. I wanna do it if I really want it. and I don't like the feeling that I dissapoint someone because I do not want it.

Mum is still my very good friend. We have been spending a lot of time together. She tries to understand me (she always did), and wants me not to forget how special I am. When she was in Sydney we had long walks at the beach everyday and talked about my ending relationship (with my ex). I remembered today how miserable I was then. I was feeling terrible about myself. Thinking that I was unable to really respect my partner, that i was quite bitchy all times when I was around him (yeah maybe I was but that was not my nature), so basically thinking that I was not able to love someone in return who loves me. What a stupid thing to push myself to love someone, when I really did not. I was subconsciously feeling that this could be my only chance in life to pursue a long term relationship with someone.

I feel 10 times better compared to 3 months ago. I ve got new gay friends that I feel comfortable with, I have a life, I look at myself in the mirror and think that I look good for 31 year old, I have couple of exciting projects related to my career, I have the confidence to go out to a gay bar and chat with a guy without feeling intimidated (well this does not apply to all bars/ clubs and gay men), I try to take care of myself more (physcially and emotionally), I work with less stress, and try to stop the worrying and criticising thoughts whenver they come to my mind.

Spending time here in Turkey reminded me the pressure, the rules, do s and dont s, the non-stop judgements which are all a part of the culture in here, and this creates the tension and intensity. I used to like it, need it, I was in search of this intensity when I moved to Sdyney, and I understand that s why I created so much chaos in my relationships in the previous years- to replicate the tension I was accustomed to. I like my 30's so far, I ve learned so much about my self, my family, culture and what I want and need in the future.

I am going to Ankara tommorrow, the city where I was born, I am going to catch up with my University friends, and see some of the places I used hang out.

From Dubai

2006-06-28T05:19:00.000+10:00

I am in Dubai Airpirt and have been here for 6 hours now, just 2 more hours to go. The flight from Sydney was easy, I ve got my sleeping pills whenever I wanted to sleep. The girl sitting next to me was quitechatty and funny, so I entertained myself with her for a while, and then discussed the movies we watched on the flight. I saw Walk the Line - which was a bit depressing for flight movie (because I tend to watch comedy/ romatic comedy on the planes-because they re easier to engage with and less tiring to watch to). Then I watched "Rumour has it" , that was ok, but not as good as The Family Stone or Failure to Launch (presuming all are released for similar audiences). The girl watched Pride and Prejudice, of course she read the book and watched the 6 hour version before, and was curious about the new version. I said the bext about that movie was the end, when finally they embrace the love they had for each other...I mean why wait for 6 hours to reach to this climax . I think most P&P lover girls think there was alot more passion in the longer version, the tension was more satisfying etc. well isn't it also the way they experience sex (not that I am an expert), which goes on for longer, with suspended passion, while the guys are into a single climax.
The last movie I ve seen was Memoirs of Geisha. I was dissapointed. When I saw the trailer, I thought the movie will be amazing, I m glad I ve waited for my Emirates flight to see it :)) I learned more about Japanese woman and the culture, which is useful since I ve been living with a Japanese girl now. Actually She looks like the Geisha girl in the movie, she 's quite beatiful, has an attractive smile and elegant manners, the latter which I never find in Ozzie/British girls.
I landed in Dubai at 5.40 in the morning, well rested. I went to the health club in the International Hotel (which has a jakuzzi, steam room, little pool, gym and showers- best place to relax for a couple of hours), but the guy said they' ve got only steam room operating, so I decided to take a shower only. Last time I did the gym and I was knocked out when I arrived Istanbul. So I said to myself, take it easy, do the things that will only relax you, no stress for this holiday :)) It was a well equipped shower, there were big mirrors everywhere, I was alone in the big room plus I always feel so horny when I am at the airports, so I started fantasising about the Arab at the front door - not it didn't work, I tried to recall previous hot scenes, then I ended up creating a new character - that I meet this guy while I am trying the new Channel Allure Sports (it is soo good), then I say I have plenty of hours and ask him if he wants to come to the health club. We end up taking the same shower room, and he becomes the dominant character telling me what to do, and me serving him and it worked haha (This might be the Geisha influence).

After the shower I went to have my complimentary meal at the Emirated restaurant. The food was good and it was free. I ate so much and took another sleeping pill and tried to find a quiet lounge to sleep. Obviously it s impossible in Dubai Airport. Noisy families with noisy children everywhere. When I got to the quiet Lounge, I relaized there was a construction site next to it- so it not the quiet lounge anymore what a shame. I went to a Pharmacy to buy earplugs, came back and slept there for two hours. I can be so addicted to sleeping pills, they make me sleep whenever I want, so I feel more in control of my time (deciding when to sleep when to stay awake) I think it s great--not because I m a control freak and I wanna control everything including my sleep :))

About the Saturday night. I planned the dinner for the whole day: the dinner for my ne gay friends including my dating advisor, after planning everything gets easier, it took me two hours to cook everything and clean up, so I was an efficient chef. There was plenty of food and it was all finished: which is a good sign for dinner party. We got caught up chatting and laughing many times, untill David was reminding that he needed more food- ok time to serve more.
After I had three glasses of wine, I felt like I was ready to go and meet Jamie at the Manacle again. I put on mynew leather jacket ( definitely leather this time) Mr DA drove me to Oxford street, I said bye to the other boys, got into Manacle, and started looking at people. The fist 5-10 minutes is always weird, being alone at a bar and dunno what to really do. I had redbull in my hand, sipping it every 5 seconds (sign for anxiety), then I decided go towards the pool table to watch these two muscly big guys playing the pool. Both of them started smiling at me, gave good vibes. I was similing too (as my Dating advisor advises), one of the guys (Mike) came up and said "I cant believe you re really watching our game". Yeah I mean what do you say, I couldnt say anything, nodded and kept smiling (I feel like a weirdo these times when I cannot control or initiate conversations). Then I remembered what I could say but it was too late "The two best looking guys in the bar were plating pool so why not come and watch them" --Cheeky :)) I would need three more glasses to say it. Well Mike was more chatty than I was and kept talking that his performance tonight was not good, that he practices at his house (with his own pool table), but he gets nervous when people watch him (aha now everything is making more sense). I comforted him making little compliments (without being too obvious), and then there we go, he quit the game and started talking to me about infinity, philosphy, the existence of God, competitions, and many other weird things that you dont usually talk in gay bars. and that s why really liked him. Mike was intelligent, funny, entertaining, comfortable with himself, and muscly (quite close to my ideal) so what else am I lookig for. Then he reminded me that I was waiting for a friend. Ah Yes Jamie.
I went to the bar to get another beer and saw Jamie there. Mike was behind me and Jamie said hi to Mike, ah there we go they know each other, what a coincidence. we sat together and Mike said to Jamie that Jamie stole me from him. and Jamie said he met me last week. Then Mike said that he dated and got in relationships with 2 or three ex bf's of Jamie. Mike was higging me and flirting with me an I was loving it. But I think Jamie didn't, so, Mike said it s past his bed time and he left. My reason going to Manacle was to talk to Jamie, so I did not make any horny attempts to pick up or meet later with Mike. I feel I will see Mike again so I will leave it to faith.

Yes Jamie was upset with me. He thought he had done something wrong that I had to leave that night. His whole sunday was shit, and he was not expecting me to call him at all. He thinks that it needs courage to do that, and he appreciated my courage. I tried to explain how I felt that night, and that it was nothing to do with what he said or what he has done. He said he had long term relationships and it has only been 18 months since he has been single. The good thing is he is loving it. He likes to spend time on his own, and he doesn't reallt need a relationship at the moment in his life. Just like me.
He said if I had made clear that night, that I just want to hug and sleep together, he would have been fine with it, plus he made clear that I was not force into anything and it was my choice to go to his place. I apologized for my lack of communication and said that I really had good time with him, and maybe we should meet more often when I come back from overseas. it was already 1am and I had to go to wake up early next day, pack and catch my flight. We kissed and said goodbye. It was so relieving, I made it up to him, he wasn't upset with me anymore.
I got on my Bondi bus, sms ed my dating advisor that I got lucky at Manacle again. mike was still on my mind...Then I ve got a message: It s form Jamie. Says: It was really nice seeing you tonight! I thought nice and romantic guys exist in Sydney, another reason to happily come back from overseas!

Who needs stress before going on holidays?

2006-06-20T22:16:00.000+10:00

I have been writing a paper for a human-computer interaction conference for the last couple of days. I have to finalize and submit it before I go to Turkey on Sunday. Ok Why have I been stressing myself out by creating a last minute taks which is reather consuming ? I ve talked about my colleague who produced a paper which had my words in it, without me being the author, and I was really pissed off about it. I have expressed my viewpoint and dissapointment to the project leader recently, and she decided to refer to a technical report we wrote together. I appreciated this effort and the arrangement but I was still not happy with what has happened. I needed to somehow take revenge. So I decided to write this paper without putting my colleague's name on the paper. The paper includes a good summary of what we havent published together so far, so this will balance out our intellectual efforts. This annoying event turned out to be a challenge and a motivation for me to do something useful for myself. I feel more confident now that I am capable of writing a paper on my own, without any external control over my ideas. It feels good!

I have too many things to do before I go. Writing a quarterly report for my part time research job, submitting a post doctoral fellowship proposal and application, sending out my skill assessment documents, and arrangements to take an IELTS test. This is the most stupid thing I ve ever come across. I have been writing papers in English and presenting Australia at conferences for the last 3 years and I am still required to take a basic English test to prove that my English is fine to apply for skilled migration. This is hurtfully ridicioulus.

ok here we go, the most important event to take place tommorrow: Thesis oral examination. We will be connected to my international reviewers onlie via Skype so that I could answer all the questions related to my doctoral dissertation. This has been cancelled two times during last week, but tommorow it surely is happening. I am a bit excited with the idea that it is going to be over. Maybe a bit nervous about the idea of oral examination- but I was the one who wanted it in the first place. the online meeting will start at 6pm, so tommorrow will be a long day.

My dating advisor read my blog about Jamie and today he wrote things that relieved me. I was seriously becoming paranoid that I was loosing my sexual drive, but he reminded me that one night stands/ anonymous sex made me feel empty in the past. That was the reason why I avoided it on saturday night. I am growing up. I am learning to take care of myself and of my emotions. That is all.

Attraction or a good chat?

2006-06-19T23:01:00.000+10:00

Ok, I feel better about it today. I mean about what happened on sat night. This can happen, I mean I might like to flirt a guy and seduce him all night and go yo his place and go numb in bed and then put on my clothes, catch a cab back home. I dont have to be appropriate all the time. I dont have to make the right choices. I dont have to be responsible for other person's emotions (especially if I met this guy 4 hours ago and dont even know what he felt). I dont have to feel guilty, I dont have to feel sorry for myself because I am not having sex for the last 3 months. I keep thinking that sex is something I really need right now, these days. If you watched Madagascar, you ll remember the Lion: he was regularly fed on beef when he was in the Zoo, and when he travels to the Island, and gets hungry he starts to see all animals like a piece of beef! I sometimes feel that way. hahaha. Thank God I am not seeing my friends as pieces of beefs. No no no or not my friends' boyfriends!

Well so I was ready for it, I mean the wild sex. I was ready to remember the juicy details about it the next day and the following days. That s something I really like, recalling the sexual memories, they sometimes give me more satisfaction than the actual thing. Well, anyway I was thinking about seeing Jamie today. I might do that on wednesday, have a little chat, tell him that I was really smashed and I was really out of it. Because When I decided to leave he was worried, he asked me wht was wrong, and I said "you re not my therapist" it s ok I will sort it out. So I can catch up with him for coffee, explain the situation, be nice and friendly and check him out again maybe. I wonder how I will see him in the daylight. He might be a good friend, he is into art and design, and swimming, he is nice to talk to, so why not see him every now and then. Yeah but then, he likes me, everytime we meet he will think about making a move or probably look at me in a different way, not as a friend but more admiringly. Then I get uncomfortable, when I notice someone is into me, I feel a bit of pressure, I feel like that person is seeing someone else, not me. Being the object of Passion, infatuation, sexual attraction, what ever you call it, makes me question whether that object is me or some idealistic image the other person perceives. Well thought isnt this the definition of love in Hollywood movies and TV series? I mean one person is extremely attracted to the other on the basis of imagined personalities, that s why it works. we fall in love with some other personalitiy in two years time, because our idealized person has grown up, or changed, and another one in two years time, by possibly getting away from the ideal types which hurt, disspointed us.

My aim for saturday night was to go out, and get interested in someone, be able to talk to people unitl I found one person interesting for me. And I did. That was a goal I set up during my coaching session on Saturday afternoon. We have worked on my fear of rejection, and fear of meeting good looking guys. My porblem is, I see a guy I find attractive, the guy is good looking and charming, and that where I freeze myself. I cannot make a move to go up and say hi or even look at him. And if I do i usually say something silly (especially when I m sober- I am more confident and relaxed about things when I am tipsy) and think that I am already rejected, before giving him a chance. During the coaching session I realized that I have this pattern of thought: The attractive guy has to like me, i have to say or do something interesting that will capture his attention and finally pick him up. This scenario is very outcome oriented where the outcome is getting in his pants. The scenario has to be: I go up and talk to this guy to find out if he is really interesting, because that s what matters to me, if he is not interesting I would be bored anyway. I accept that I enjoy sex if I can connect to the person, so first I have to find out if i connect with that person. This rather different than thinking whether he will like me or not.

So saturday night, with Jamie was I was enjoying the conversation so i thought that was enough for getting more intimate. Well too bad it s not that simple. I have to be really attracted to the guy as well. Why is hard to be always honest with myself. I was having fun and a good chat and I did not stop my self going further knowing that i was not madly attracted to this guy. Was that my responsibility to stop it there ?.

A saturday night out

2006-06-18T17:24:00.000+10:00

I was at Manacle last night. I haven t been there before. In general I like the masculine leather themed bars and clubs. My favorite is the CockRing in Amsterdam. Last year I had a lot of fun there...the music, people and the ambience were amazing. I felt like I was in a movie as soon as I entered the bar, and going two levels down and reaching the main dancing area, there were these three muscly guys performing masturbation scenes on the stage. Well that works quite ok in Amsterdam and to be honest I was expecting a similar scene in Sydney. Manacle was quite down to earth, much more relaxed, yet still dark and leathery. With my friend we sat down at a table closer to the entrance where we can see people coming and going out. There were some really hot/masculine/ gorgeous guys around, and as usual older and ugly ones. Two guys entered and I know one's face so familiar, I said to him "I know you from somewhere" he stopped and looked at me, and said Hi, I am Jamie. My friend thought that was a pick up line, and congratulated me on this attempt. Then my friend's boyfriend arrived and after a while they got tired and maybe a bit bored, and they left.

There we go I am alone in the bar, I went upstairs and walked towards a guy and started talking to him. Then at the other corner I saw Jamie, and I smiled. He came up to me and said hi, and I said "that was not a pick up line I really remember your face". I started talking to him and another couple of his friends and in 10 minutes I was the centre of attention. I like that feeling and I become more comfortable, approachable, and entertaining. The conversation was flowing and I was really enjoying talking to this guy. He said he is a swimming coach at the pool I used to frequently go, so there we go- that s why I know his face, I ve seen him around three times a week.

I said I really wanted to dance, so we headed to Phoenix. It s been more than a year since I havent been there. It s got the similar leather type crowd there, and I always enjoy the music when I went there for dancing. We got in, we took out t-shirts off (I felt really weird cause I hadnt done this for long time in parties - but my efforts with my diet and the exercise program helped me out to feel more confident taking my tshirt off). Then I got into mood started dancing, and kissing and drinking, and really had good time. Jamie is a good kisser, he s my height and and he has a toned body, so when we danced together in close contact it felt good- cause it s not the same when you dance with a taller guy. And also the way your partner moves your body is important in that type of dancing, the two has to fit, and move together. Anyway it was harmonious with the moves and touches and kisses, everything was near to perfect. Then I started drinking water and sobered up a bit, and it was already 4.30 am. Time to go to his place.

His apartment was amazing. A minimalist Bourke street apartment, with tasteful furniture - two highlights: a Noguchi coffe table, white Mies van der Rohe barcelona chairs (I think they were replicas). He had his paintings on the walls, he did a degree in arts (photogrpahy and painting) and had his exhibitions, still working as a freelance artist. He is a Rothko fan like me - cause he did an edgy replication of a blue Rothko painting (he will be surprised when he comes to my place and sees my Rothko paintings- well I did not tell him straight away- mystery is good!) I commented on his artworks (all positive ones), I acknowledged his designer furniture, and he was surprised about how much I know about art and design. All good impressions before we went to the bedroom.

He had a Japanese style and very tidy bed with beatiful sheets (again double plus from me) and more of his paintings in his room. More chatting aobut the paintings and then going into bed. I was feeling so tired and was ready to sleep. He was not. 5.30 am and I realized that I was not really attracted to this guy. I was out of it. I never had problem with my libido, once I get naked with someone it all works out. I said 'I should go home', he asked me what was wrong and i did not really know what to say. That I was not really attracted to him? so why did I spend the whole night kissing him. I caught a cab and came back home thinking what s wrong with me? I used to sleep with guys without too much analysing it, Was I scared? was he too nice? Am I getting old and more picky? What stopped me having sex with this guy? too many questions still in my head, I slept nearly all day. I need to talk to my dating advisor ;))

The Turk

2006-06-15T22:33:00.000+10:00

Three years ago, June,

it was a cold night, and I was going to the central station to pick up this Turkish guy I met two days ago. I spent the day with him and his friends, and then he went back to his friend's place where he was staying. Then at 10pm he decided to come and see me, from a really distant sburb of Sydney. He had to take a train ride of 50 minutes. I found him at the railway square, I was so happy to see him again. All day I was so wanting to touch him and kiss him, but I could not, cause his friends were with him, and they did not know he is gay. But I knew it!

We went to my place, we had couple of drinks at the backyard, talked and laughed non-stop, and then finally felt sleepy. I said he could sleep on the couch or with me, he said he will sleep with me. We were both a bit tipsy. I put on Mercan Dede, he creates the most relaxing ethnic music, The Turk said he loves the music. He gave me a foot massage, that was my first foot massage from a man. I had not realized that a foot massage could be so sexy. We kissed. We connected really well. Sex was amazing. then couple of times in the middle of the night--not much sleep.

6 years ago, July
He was born and grown up in Melbourne, and after Uni he went to Turkey to work in media, he was script writer for the highest rated show in Turkey, and he also had couple of acting roles, and appeared on TV. I was about 24 when I first saw him in Turkey, I was walking on this street where the popular shops are, and I a gay friend with this gorgeous guy next to him. Good reason to stop and say hi, and I did. He was just beatiful, I was so excited looking at him, but of course at the time I could not say anything to him. I was trying to keep the conversation with my friend longer so that I can have him in my sight. I met this girl, Eli, who was the closest to the Turk, she was living in Sydney at the time, and she said I should call her when I get to Sydney. I said sure--took her number and did not see them again. I was hearing about the Turk, that he was sleeping around with people I know in Istanbul, and I was sometimes seeing him on TV.

Then I came to Sydney to start my PhD. One day I went on a harbour cruise with some Turks. A girl approached to me and said, we might have met years ago, in Turkey. I looked at her and said sorry I cannot remember. Then she reminded me about the Turk and my friend who was with them. There we go...I never called Eli but she appeared again. and the connection to the Turk!

3 years ago, June
Eli called me one day and said that the Turk is visiting Sydney. She said that we should all catch up. Eli being the ex-girlfriend did not know the Turk was gay, because he never told her, and neither to his family. So I had to be careful. We met at the Cargo Bar, it was a sunday evening, and I was so excited to see him again. He he did remember meeting me 3 years ago, I thought that s good sign. I could feel he was so uncomfortable with my presence and all his friends in Sydney--who do not know about his sexual identity. I tried to keep my mouth shut.

When I went home and get into my bed, I still remember so vividly that I wanted to kiss him, oh my God, I was dreaming about him. I promised myself that I am going to create a situation where we can be alone, and somehow convince him to spend time with me. Next day I called Eli, and asked about the daily plans. I squeezed myself into the plans, left Uni and met them in Glebe. We went to the park at the end of the Glebe Point Road. We took some pictures there, I still have them. Then I invited them to my place, but Eli insisted that they had to go back. I knew the Turk did not want to go back. I took his number and said that we all should do the Coogee to Bondi walk the next day.

I was so obsessed with this guy all afternoon and evening. I sms ed him, said that we can go out (on a monday night). and at 10 pm he said he was catching the train to come to the Central station...

We had two wonderful days, and then it was over. He went back to Turkey. We talked about meeting somewhere in the middle (Thailand) in 6 months.

Eli came to talk to me the week after the Turk left. She asked me about the night we went out. I said he stayed here in my house. She asked if we slept together. and I said YES. She got neurotic, dissapointed, furious, how come he did not tell her that he is gay! A week later I got an email from the Turk, that I should not have told Eli about that night and bla bla, he said he could not trust me and that he did not wanna talk to me again. What a drama!

Last year, July
I was at the Istanbul airport. The Turk knew I was going to come early in the morning, I was so excited to see him again. My mobile rings he says that I should catch the shuttle, he could not wake up because he could not sleep last night. This is not a good start. I met him in Taksim, he did not change at all, he looked slimmer to me, after my eyes got used to the gym bunnies in Sydney. We had breakfast by the Bosphorous, he asked me about my boyfriend, and I asked him about his boyfriend. He said they broke up but still living together, well I know how it is, you just dont stop having sex, even when you live in different rooms of the house. I told him to get a grip on his life, to kick the ex-bf out. He said he cant.
I told him that I have been with Dan for the last two years and that we have a committed relationship and that he is very important in my life. Then suddenly I told him that I never felt the same feelings to anyone in the last three years, and that I was not really in love with my BF. Oh What a relief!

we went to a hotel room and stayed there for two days. Third day I had to leave. So he was the one who was left behind this time. Ha ha. He called me everyday for two months. It was madness. I was back with my BF in Syndey and he was in Istanbul. I did not want to have sex with my BF, continously thinking about the Turk, while my BF was saying how much he missed me ...What a torture. My BF arranged a welcome back party for me, the day I arrived, oh it was so cute--He invited all of my friends beforehand and prepared Sangria etc. But i was feeling to distant, couldnt help it--and trying to find ways to get away from him. I was cold to him, but he did not do anything about it, he was not a drama queen. He did not even ask me what was wrong. He kept on living his life.

Then I had to make a choice. Dan or the Turk? The Turk promised me that he was moving to Sydney in three months, permanently. He made all his plans. He said he bought his ticket, he was trying to sell his furniture, looking for jobs on mycareer.com. And I was so confused. Shall dump my BF who has been loyal and nice to me for the last 2 years, or shall I trust the inconsistent Turk and live full on this passionate attraction? I did not want him to come to Sydney for me. I said if you want to change your life, the reason should not be me. You have to take the responsibility of this decision, and look after yourself. You have to be strong if I do not break up with my BF when you come here. I did not want him to cling to me, to expect my love and attention. I was so scared. I was scared that I would be consumed in the type of passionate relationship we had. In the long term, I thought I loved my quiet, relaxed and secure relationship with my Ozzie guy, rather than the passionate, a bit of macho, demanding, jelaous and sexy Turk.

Finally I have given my decision. I told the Turk that I would not break up with Dan if he moves to Sydney. the Turk said he was coming to Sydney to start a new life, and if I would not be in that life, that s ok too. Well of course we had a bit of bitterness, jelousy, dissapointment and anger issues, but finally the Turk was out of my life.

After a month, one of our common friends said that, he decided to stay in Istanbul. Then I knew I have made the right decision. I did not want to be responsible for changing his life.

It s June again, and by the end of the month, I am going to Turkey again. Not to Istanbul this time. This common friend was online on msn today and said she wanted to see me in Turkey. then she asked whether I intend to see the Turk. I said " no more complications in my life" thanks babe. She told me his ex finally moved out from the house, and that the Turk is single and living alone and has a new job with a good salary. No no not this time :))

About drinking

2006-06-11T11:47:00.000+10:00

I decided to stay home on another typical saturday night. Not going out on saturday nights was unacceptable until one year ago. I used to go out for clubbing, do the drugs, or drink till I jump out of my shy personality and begin comfortably threatening other people's boundaries and eventually loose my balance. That was like the routine of saturday nights when I was living in Newtown. I remember one sunday morning I had to lecture for an intensive course, but still I did not resist the big birthday party and the yummy caprioskas at the Bank Hotel. I drank so much that night, and in the morning i had to lecture with a hangover which was obvious to everyone...I hated myself doing it. And then many times in different situations I hated myself for after-effects of drinking: saying things that should have never been said, hurting people's feelings, sometimes being aggresive, sometimes being annoyingly bubbly, therefore being destructive to myself, rather than validating myself. Not-Validating the self image I constructed in my daily-Uni-life, the self image being: responsible for what he says and writes, hard working, caring, reasonably balanced and respectful. So why was I trying to destruct this self image? because I thought it was rather boring- obviously that s still my concern as the blog suggests.

I still want to escape from my usual routine sometimes, and modify the self-image I have adopted over the years. Maybe what has changed is that I relaized the benefits of validating myself more: saying that I am allright as what I do, what I think, what I say, that I am smart, intuitve and sexy. When I validate myself and be in the environments and people who validate my self-image, I do not feel miserable after drunk nights. Because I feel more secure and comfortable, and do not feel the need to push myself to alter my personality to be likable. Now I try to validate that I am likable without drinking and extending my boundaries too much.

I still become too conscious of my drinking modes, like last Sunday when we went to Tilbury, I was having a lot of fun, feeling comfortable with my new gay friends and talking a lot/ being bubbly after 3 beers (naturally). I missed the feeling so much so I did not really care what the consequences might be, and who says I go back to my old habits? When I improved so much on my self-acceptance, there does not need to be a relapse. However I was experiencing re-cycling of ex-feelings and moods. And I found myself asking to me: do I hurt anyone's feelings? do I say something inappropriate? Well at the end, i had such a good night and met new people and had good conversation. Next morning I woke up with feelign guilty (oh the old feeling again)i was a bit paranoid about the whole night. I felt a bit depressed and I feared rejection by these new friends in case I modified my self-image?

I remembered that David was telling me: you should drink more often, you become much more fun. Ooops this is something I ve heard before many times- Scary- my ex and his friends used to say this to me but later they thhought I was emotionally offensive when I drink (so where is the line?). I remembered talking to Leo about his boyfriend, that he is nice and relaxed - all positive things- and the next thing he told me was: Keep your hands off him. Am I again picturing the whore ? what have I done wrong except for saying that his BF is gorgeous. Was it me being drunk and giving wrong signals or was it his insecurity? So yeah next morning thoughts, maybe they were probably too harsh on me, but they kept me busy for whole week.

Tonight I am going to Tilbury again, Sunday it s my off-day for diet and gym. I eat what ever I want (I had a big omlette with lots of mozerrella, put some butter on two slices of Italian bread and ate olives till I feel full), eat cakes, chocolate and I can have alcohol (what a fantastic day) in moderation!

The Pianist

2006-06-05T23:33:00.000+10:00

Monday after 5pm, as usual I went to the common piano rooms to practice. Most of the times I dont see or hear anyone except me, but today I ve heard someone playing a beatiful piece of music. The door was open and I could hear it in the corridor. The music was flowing, and it was very engaging, but was not like something I ve hear before...definitelt modern, maybe Debussy but not that ambigious, a French composer? a romantic. I was thniking that the pianist must be a woman, because I was hearing the ultra sensitivity with the touch. Well I walked towards the room and I saw the back of a man playing the piano, I walked back to my room, I was going to close my door and start practicing, but I could not. I listened to the music until it finished. Then I walked to the room again, and then I said: "this was so beatiful, whose music is it". He turned back and said a name I ve never heard before...I asked agian who? he said it is his composition. I ve made many compliments to this young man, that he touches the piano sensibly, the music is flowing etc. etc. He was interested in what I was doing, and I talked a bit,then he talked a bit. I learned that he does an art degree and also started his PhD in physics this year. His compositions were arranged for an orchestra and have been performed previously. I was thinking - this boy is brilliant and sensitive and romantic and also have big gorgeous smile and beatiful big eyes and a hot body. Then I ve heard him saying he had a girlfriend and he came to Sydney with her, then they broke up, but he s still here beacuse he likes Sydney a lot. He is originally from Califonia,but he doesnt have the American accent. His parents moved to North Quensland a while ago so he s been living in Australia since then.

Then we started talking about research, and then music and then life and then research again, the whole conversation was exciting, I was talking to this guy who composed and played this music I adored, plus I learned that he did neuroscience as uundergrad, and now he is interested in mathematical modeling of the brain in the Physics department. and he was smiling with big bright eyes, and showing me how he practices, and played some of his other compositions and also was very interested in what I do and what I like. What a unique combination in a straight man. I was thrilled by this young man, I had to leave the room. I went back to my room started practicing, thinking that he is still in the other room, maybe hearing a bit of what I play, and this gave me a different motivation to play, and gave me this comforting feeling, that there is at least one brilliant/talented person I met today, and meeting him and feeling his fresh energy gave me this push to hope for a better life...weird isnt it? A better life in my perspective is balancing music and the other profession/research and do both at a satisfactory level. This boy has been doing it. Well ok, this boy looks like a genius and I think he is exceptional, but why not, I love music and I had this hope that I can make it again a significant part of my life.

Thursday lunch time, he is playing piano publicly, I m gonna be there to listen to him!

issues on a publication

2006-06-03T16:22:00.001+10:00

Yesterday I noticed that a colleague of mine wrote a conference paper based on the collaborative project we did together, and did not inform me about it or send me the paper. It must have included my words, my time and contribution on the project; however I was not on the author list. I asked her what was going on, and that I was a bit worried when I saw the paper on her publication list. She said she used the same data and did her own thing with it, so she did not have to notify me with everything she did about the past collaborative work. Well the interesting thing is that we never published anything yet on that part of the study she reported on. If in the past we had published something I would have no issues about it. I was so upset with the situation all day.
I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I was not sleepy but I stayed in bed, having short naps and short dreams. The dreams I see relaxes me at these moments. I start to think about the issues that makes me uncomfortable and fall asleep. In my dream I live thru a positive solution of the issue, and when I wake up it felt like it really happened. The dream usually reflects how I want things to happen, and when I see they happened I feel relaxed. Then I give time for the situation to happen in real life. I some cases similar things happen in real situations, and in some cases I loose my interest in the subject because I have already solved it in my dream. And when I disconnect myself from the problem in the real situations it does not hurt/worry me anymore. This is also called non-attachment in Buddhist philosophy, which is not easy to do most times. I worry about situations for days before I solve them unconsciously or in my dreams.

New Gay Friends

2006-05-27T12:45:00.000+10:00

My dating advisor invited me to a "join the club" dinner at a Morrocan restaurant, so that I make new gay friends. Three of his golden rules for a gay single guy, have a gaydar page with hot pictures, have gay friends to hang out with and be approachable by keeping your smile at all times when you are at a gay bar. I really like having my dating advisor! because he does not only give advice but also put plans into actions.

Last night was really entertaining, because for a long time, I havent felt so comfortable in a group of gay men. They are all very interesting personalities, sincere and sweet (just like my dating advisor!). some of them are...Jay the male soprano (literally he is) with a witty sense of humour, Matt the political leader/ socially aware and down to earth and sensible, who likes Kosher meat (as I do too), MM(is gorgeous by the way)with the positive & relaxed Ozzie attitude, who decided to focus on re-discovering himself after long term relationships, the prince of Italia -MM's current boyfriend, and David (beatiful green eyes and smile) who is the Mr nice guy.

I laughed a lot, felt like I connected with them a lot, and in return I was able to express myself without feeling awkward or without worrying about what the other person will think about me. Obviously it is such a different environment compared to a gay bar - where I feel more insecure and worried!- and a perfect situation for some intimate conversations and to get to know people. I always thought this intimacy factor was missing in the Sydney gay scene, so I am happy to find this positive vibe again, since I left Turkey.

Turkey is a really conservative place for the gays to live in and survive, but this also has an influence on people's relationships. When this is coupled with the middle-eastern/ mediterrenean nature, the gay scene turns out to be a more supportive and intimate environment to be in. In Sydney the opportunities are so much out there and acceptance is great, but then there is a lot more distance between the people. SO I feel lucky to meet a group of more supportive, modest and intimate group of people.

work work work

2006-05-25T22:24:00.000+10:00

At Uni, we are going to apply for research funding so today I worked on two research proposals, which both potentially will grant me a full time research position if one or the other project gets funded. At the same time it s like creating my own job, because I am deciding on what I want to do in the next three years. Feels like I am the king of the game hahaha. But my brain is so tired, it is so much responsibility to propose, develop ideas and plan a research study over three years. And I never know if the experts will think that it is good, so lets give him the funding, make him happy etc. Also many people are competing to get these funds, and when I feel like i am in a competition I tend to loose my motivation rather than compete, so I try not to think that I am in a competition.

Last night I went to a little talk/debate on gay marriage. I listened to the speakers and they said reasonable things, but there was nothing to discuss about. We want gay marriage, and we also emphasize that it is our freedom to choose to get married or not, and everyone in the room agrees more or less on the same ideas. Well of course there no discussion here. Why not invite some people from the church, some married heterosexual couples who loved or who hated Brokeback mountain, etc. to create some discussion so that both sides may understand each others standpoints. It felt like an internal thingy, where you cycle around on the same ideas, and noone is able to stand up and say...what if the gay divorces will keep the courts too busy and cost a lot of money to the government in the future or something silly like that. Or maybe some religious person can also try to tell his ideas about gay marriage and all the queer community may listen (at least for a while). My question is why people with different views cannot exist in the same room. Gotta go and sleep now...

Italian Cooking

2006-05-23T23:31:00.000+10:00

Yes I was given a voucher to Cucina Italiana for my birthday. oh what a great gift! the whole expereince was fantastic (www.cucinaitaliana.com.au). We learned how to make a dough for fresh pasta, then made a tortellini out of it. Then eat and drink lots of good food, including tuscan antipasti,a herb chicken dish and semifreddo al caffe as a desert. Because I ve learned how to make them, now I am planning to invite some friends and see what they think about my italian cooking.

Our instructor/chef Luciana was such a lovely lady, and refreshingly mediterranean in terms of attitude, sense of humor and sharpness. That s what I like about Italians and about many Turkish women and men. Italians feel a lot closer to me, and reminds me of my family, our values, and food. Yes the cooking style was very similar to my mum's, so I was not surprised like the Ozzies in the class. Yeah that s how we cook garlic, and that s how we cook vegetables, and that s what it tastes like. By the way I think everything tastes slightly better in Italy or Turkey, because of the fresh food culture, and the availability of the quality ingredients, but that s another story.

Luciana gave me so much energy and enthusiasm about food, and I admired her passion and perfectionism for Italian cooking. Once more I realized seeking for details and developing expertise can turn any practice into passion. The passion is contagious,changes people's views, it easily affects the environment, and can create a more positive life around us. Luciana reminded me of holding on to values, culture and what you know best and developing it into a passion. I have to write about the things I am passionate about, the ones that I forgot about becuase of living in a foreign country.

What are you passionate about?

Mr. dating advisor

2006-05-21T17:18:00.000+10:00

Two weeks ago on a saturday night, I did not have the motivation to go out to a gay bar and I was a bit bored sitting at home. I searhced blogs with the google, the word combination gay and sydney, and I came up with the blog of "single in the city". I was so entertained reading it, it kept me busy al night. He writes stuff about gay scene, sex scene and other things that might concern a single gay man. the way he writes is honest and sweet. Sometimes he exeggerates the stuff but that s not a crime, since we gay men like to attract the attention.

Reading about one of his dates, I realized that he had so many dating experience and I did not. I thought maybe if I hang out with someone out there I might as well recollect my courage and flirtatious nature for dating gay men. That s how I decided to email him, asking for his help (although it sounds desperate) to give me some feedback and tips about my dating skills. He agreed to help me, since he does this as a community service, and on the condition that he is going to write aobut me on his blog. Again for the sake of sharing experiences amongst gay men. I agreed, because I like a bit of role playing, and any project about exploration of the self. With one of my friends we had a video project, where we went to a cafe, turned on the handycam and videotaped each other while we talked about the daily stuff. This was to see and analyse how we interact with people, what facial expressions and tones we use in different emotional states. Then we sat together and watched it and commented on each others' behaviour. That was useful for realizing how charming and attractive we could be once we feel comfortable with someone's company, hehe!

I met my dating advisor today. I have been looking forward to this meeting for a week, and I have been telling about him to all my friends, because it is an exciting project. He was 15 minutes late, because he fell asleep and nearly forgot about our so called "date". He emphasized that I had to confirm a day before by sms ing. I m pretty slack with confirmations, he was right. We met at Potts Point, the very gay and exclusive sburb of Sydney, and went to a little cafe, where boys hang out. I was pretty nervous because of being in the middle of the gay scene, I usually feel anxious about it that was one of the reasons why I moved to the beach, to be far from it. I always prefer to hang out at a beach cafe rather than a city one. He noticed that I was nervous and told me not to be nervous. What a weird situation, I smiled and nodded, and looked at the menu for so long without being able to read what was in there. Then he asked me about my story and I started telling him and felt more comfortable later.

I felt that he was a bit distant throughout the whole experience,trying to maintain the serious business relationship between us. This is really a business, we are not actually dating (Was I expecting something special? in the back of my mind yes -- but sleeping with him was never my intial motive to get in contact-- but I must confess, reading so much about him made me a bit attracted to him, all the stories he was telling were somewhat what I wanted to do when I moved to Sydney: Having a big fat gay life, being out there and flirting non-stop). When I finished my story he took on and talked about himself, talked about his job, his future plans, his circle of friends, his community service project, his times in US, and so on. He is pretty good at presenting a complete picture, and a balanced life of himself. He must be experienced in doing this, practice makes it better!

When I asked for his dating advice, his reply was quite balanced too: go out there and present your assets, things that make you different from others, get a balanced lifestyle between work and fun, individual and social times etc. and get dirty with someone to get over your boyfiend. Very good advice.

I told him that my aim was to make a gay friend, rather than taking advice, although I enjoyed taking the advice. And he said I could join the club. Let s see what happens. Today was my first effort to balance my life with some gay related activity. I started believing in the magic of the secret word balance, although I know it is hard to balance things out when we slave so much for our ambitions.

Coaching Sessions

2006-05-20T18:05:00.000+10:00

I have been having career coaching sessions with a friend of mine who is a trained coach now. Today was our fourth session in 6 weeks. The whole thing makes me focused on my goals, question what I really want to do and go for it.

Today I ve learned that I focus on problems rather than solutions. Too much analysis of the problems eventually ends up with lots of concerns. Sometimes these concerns become so heavy that I want to sleep all day, I dont find energy to do even the simplest things. Because I know this pattern I usually call my coach when my concerns start to become heavy. We are in touch once every week via telephine conversations or viva sessions. So I got so used to this support and I find my self making a lot of decisions, taking actions, making plans, checking on my goals continiously. Every week so many things change, and we work on so many aspects of my psychology as well. It is so nice to have such a spiritual support to achieve the things I want to achieve.

The outcomes of the coaching session so far: 1. I started playing piano again 2. I decided to look for a stimulating and ambitious research environment where I can be creative, 3. I set up my ultimate goal: I want to become a professor, and I found out what resources I need to develop to become a professor, 4. I have made job applications and developed ways to market myself and my research, I have written a proposal to get a research position 5. I have become aware that I care too much about what other people think about me and finally today I have made another action plan to change my domain to IT. I am going to learn programming and be involved in creating immersive virtual reality envrionments.

Everything is changing too fast, thank God I have my coach, it feels safe and much more manageable.

My story

2006-05-19T19:28:00.000+10:00

it was my birthday yesterday, we went to Shangri La hotel and had fantastic cocktails. I started talking too much after the 3rd drink, so that s when I decided to go home and sleep. Alcohol gives me so much energy these days, I woke up at 6.30 and went for a jog, and I did not felt hangover. I think the quailty cocktails do that.

I went to Macquarie Uni today to see a lecturer friend there. I kenw her since I cam to Sydney, she used to do research at Sydney Uni, now she moved on, and doing really interesting stuff about immersive, virtual and interactive environments, very technical, but still creative. I think I might be involved in it, I will search for ways to do research there. She is Turkish, and she is quite ambitious. I feel like she understands me, you know in a cultural way. It alsways feels great to talk to her, she s got so many ideas, actually she s full of ideas. So this gives me a bit of motivation, the opprtunity to collaborate with passionate/ stimulating people. She talked about her previous experience about finishing her studies and where she had to look for a job. it s quite a frustrating experience. After being immersed in a research environment for a long time, guaranteed that you earn a living and have the luxury of only concentrating on pure full on research and be appreciated for doing it, it feels a bit weird when the study/position finishes and then you go to the outer more chaotic world, to find a place for yourself. Ah I think I dramtized it a bit. Well anyway that s the feeling. No more pure self satisfactory research luxury. it s time to polish your self and your skills and start a new life.

Today she told me that I have to use my chemical engineering background to my advantage, which means that I need to integrate it to my research and show people that I am a complete package. This packaging / image creating job has been so intense lately. I continously have look inwards and check out what image I should be giving to the research community, to find a job, to find a position that I might like. Well I never wanted to be a chemical engineer, but I finished the degree. Then I moved to the design area where I always wanted to be. Would I have been happier or more content if I ended up as an architect? I am not sure about that either, after meeting so many architects and study how they design and how they think.

Since the start of this year everything in my life has been shaking. I started writng my thesis intensely on January and those times I was having fights with my flatmate. There was a really big tension in the house non-stop. after being the best mates for a year, we decided to move in together in august last year. I never thought it could turn out to be painful like this. We were having so much fun, spending quality time, chatting, laughing, jogging, going out, drinking, cooking and sharing...and basically sharing everything...except for sex. He was obviously straight. And I think that was the good thing about it. I can feel safe and comfortable with some straight men. Like I feel with most women. Then with this best-buddy we started having arguments about the house about me about him. We knew too much about each other and it was too easy to be breakable. Chatting about secrets and private thoughts is not always a good idea, your friend can turn into your rival and use them against you. and that what we did for each other. Started destroying out relationship. sucking the good things out from it, then there was not much left, when I started thinking that he should immediately leave my house! Luckily he was going back to Turkey for good soon. By mid January my mum arrived to stay with me while I was writing my thesis. she is a really goog moderator. She smoothened all the cracks and that huge tension in the house. I was so relieved.

Meanwhile we decided that me and my (ex)boyfriend shoudl live together. We had been in a relationship for two years, and this was the longest for each of us. It was along and low maintanance relationship (well low maintanance compared to my previous ones) but I was never low maintanance (like all fine machines). From the start we had so many ups and downs, break ups and getting togethers. Despite all odds we were able to stay in a relationship for two years. And I think this was the impressive stuff for both of us, which made me believe that this relationship could go on a more intimate level. and this was the right time to make the move. During my most stressful period, trying to write and finish a Phd thesis. I dont recommend pushing your self this far. No no no. It was absoulutely a wrong decision.

When my best-buddy left for good, my ex moved into my flat. My mum, him and me living in a two bedrooms house, how cute is that. All our friends were so approving that we finally got together. It was so tiring for me. I had to focus on my thesis, the big changes in the house, my mum, my boyfriend who just moved in, and wondering how my mum and him will get along, and other details such as buying a bigger size bed, buying curtains for the flat, arrange the wardrobe space to fit in all clothes, selecting things to go to storage things to stay in the house, etc. etc. Why so much chaos at one shot ? That was too much than I could handle. I was so stressed 24 hours. I was able to sleep for 5-6 hours, waking up starting studying and go on until I was not able to look at the screen anymore. Meanwhile mum and Bf were going out for shopping together, taking the car to the carwash, looking for curtains, going to Ikea and so on. Well they ended up getting along well. But there was one thing that was really pissing me off. I was sensing that my Bf was getting bored of this lifestyle. He was wanting to go out with his girls and staying over the night at their place, drink and get stoned and have fun and have fun and have fun. I was so stressed to think about having fun. We were living two different lives, and it has been the same before he moved in. I was thinking that he would CHANGE! if he moves in and starts living with me. He would be more dedicated, caring and thoughtful and keeping his promises etc. How can you trust someone who forgets about his promises. Well the worst thing was that he was saving his ass all the time, by doing whatever he wanted and then apoligizing/ saying sorry. I did not have time and energy to deal with him. And the more I tried to control him the more he was out of control.

I was very very unhappy. I turned into this man who was always angry, always wanting to control and manipulate his Bf's behaviors, and ending up with frustration and self-hatred. I was getting upset with him for a reason, for something he did not take care of, for something he promised to do and ended up not doing, and bringing me the excuse that he was so busy - but he was working only 15 hours a week, the other times he was busy with having fun. Then when I mentioned this, he was accusing me of being jelaous becuase I did not have a chance to have fun. I turned into a resentful bitch. Writing my thesis and keeping myself crazily busy was the only solution I found to deal with this situation. After some time, I was not even wanting to sleep with him in the same bed. No regular sex, and tension in the air, and the added tension of pretending like we re fine to my mum. Of course mums always know. She was seeing that I was not happy. She talked to me one day. She said that me and him are very different, and that we were not operating at the same frequency anymore, and that this was becoming a dysfunctional relationship. Well I did not like to hear it. It was only two weeks since he moved in. And I did not want to accept that this decision was ending up bitter. But I knew there was something wrong, becuause I was feeling so angry all the time. Angry to everyone. I ve never been an agry person in nature. There must be something wrong here. and it is probably about me. When it is about me I have to detach, i should not be in a relationship anymore.

We had a big fight over some stupid parking fee. He was so upset with my whole attitude and with how I cricised him, and I was so upset with him for being so careless, stupid and idiot and a looser (ha ha for a parking on the wrong spot and getting a fine of $150). I was totally insane. Well I know my reactions seems so absurd and dysfunctional but the point is that I did not become a bitch overnight. This was a recurring process, and that time I was not able to explain why I had so much resentment and anger towards him. He was such a nice and easy going guy, the moment people met him everyone liked him (without exceptions), he was quiet, self-sufficient, independent, reasonably responsible for his money and for his life, safe, loyal and an ideal husband model. What can be wrong about him?

I broke up with him after 3 days. It was 13th of February, wrong timing for valentines day. I talked to him, he agreed with what I said, and he agreed that we should break up. I never thought that it would be so easy. But there we go. he left the house that night, he had to be at a birthday party. I was not feeling like going out, I was continously crying. Thank God my mum was there, giving me emotional support. I do not remember crying for so long. In the shower, on the couch, looking at the ocean, looking at tv and crying. I was thinking: Why did I wait for so long to break up with him. I could have talked to him straightforward because he would never do it. I have always been the persecutor anyway...He had been the victim, and he liked to be the victim.

tomorrow I will write about co-dependency

common sense reasoning

2006-05-16T22:11:00.000+10:00

I watched a Marvin Minsky talk , which was in Japan. Video streaming speed and quality was fantastic.

He was talking about intelligent sytems and little bits and pieces about the Universe and things that make us smart, commonsense knowledge and commonsense reasoning. How do we get all this common sense? And if we know how, then maybe computers could have a common sense knowledge too. However I m not sure if the computers can achieve common sense reasoning yet. First they need to understand and interpret.

What is understanding then? it must be related to our memory. If we match the new piece of information with some other billions of memory traces, then we feel like we are understanding it. Because the new information finds a place for itself in a that large arrangement. It ties itself to some commonalities in a category. It becomes common sense.

Interpretation on the other hand should be a bit more complicated than understanding. Becuase it suggests that a new understanding emerges that was not there before. Interpretation initially needs an understanding of the related concepts to the new information. The memory may have to be constructed around the new information. Then the new information has a place, a meaning - similar to what happens when we understand. Because the new information is located in a category closer to what is common sense, it needs extra effort to alter it. Those commoncalities which construct the understanding may have to be left behind to extract a new meaning. Forgetting, isolating and contrasting may help.

I wonder whether this writing is comprehensive at all. I need to read it again tomorrow. maybe a new meaning will emerge.

Diet and exercise programme

2006-05-15T23:22:00.000+10:00

Today I was trying to get all the documents for my visa application. I am going to Canada for a Conference in July, so I have to do it now. I need to apply for visas to each country I travel this year. Schengen visa for Amsterdam, US Visa for Chicago, Canadian visa for Vancouver. I thought Vancouver is a very gay city but then I checked the Spartakus it did not show many hot spots. Well anyway Chicago would do, I will be there for Gay Games that d be hot enough ! My friend in Chicago, Bucci is buying closing ceremony tickets. And now he lives right at the centre of Boystown (he goes out a lot, unlike me). I sometimes think about moving to a more gay suburb, possibly Darlinghurst, then I realize I love the beach and the ocean more.

I started jogging 3 days a week in the mornings. I run to Bronte beach, it s downhill, it s ok. And then some stretching where the ocean pool is. Ah every morning the ocean looks so amazing and so different. I thought I would get over this pleasure but I did not. Everytime I go closer to the water it makes me so excited. After the stretching and listening to the waves, I jog to Tamarama, and climb up the 142 stairs. They are a bit of killer steps, jogging up all the way is not easy. I have to catch my breath for minutes after I reach at the top. But it is a good moring exercise really, waking me up, pumping some blood to my brain. I limit these aerobic sessions to 25 minutes, not more than that. The intensity reaches top towards the end, and bang! it feels really good.

The other 3 days of the week, I go to fitness first, the usual stuff, weight training...I have a strict diet as well. I do not eat bread, pasta or rice, I eat fruit and meat and vegetables. In Turkey everyone eats bread for breakfast, lunch, dinner, with meat, with cheese, even with pasta. Quitting bread has been so difficult for me because of that habit. Within this diet programme Sunday is my free day. I eat whatever I want, and I do not have to exercise. Such a pleasure to eat a rasberry tart for mid-morning, gelato for mid-afternoon, and big big Big John's pizza for dinner. I used to be a bit stressed on sundays thinking about the week is starting, but now I feel so happy for being able to eat eat and eat, I do not think about anything else. strongly recommended.

sleep tight wake bright

Are Academics Boring

2006-05-14T17:24:00.000+10:00

Are academics boring? was a rhetorical question.

In my opinion, someone who thinks deeply into a subject matter cannot be boring. I am in the academic world and I dont think I am boring.
Recently I ve been reading best gayblogs, top ten gay blogs and other gay blogs etc. and I ve observed that many of them are assuming that gay men must have sex, must date and must sleep with someone to fulfill their need for intimacy. I dont really understand that. Sex might make me feel good , but sometimes does not make me feel really good. After many casual sex experiences I found myself unsatisfied for my intimacy needs. That s when I was calling my close gay friend and wanting him to lay down next to me and talk. I was not finding him attractive, and I was not even considering having sex with him. Feeling him next to me was giving me great pleasure.

I watched the Spanish movie The Sea Inside last night, it is about a man, who had a diving accident 28 years ago and was quadriplegic since then. His older brother and his family had been looking after him so he has been fully dependent on other people. But what he really wants is to die, kill himself which he is incapable of. Noone in the family is willing to help him to die, and they cannot even understand his will/ decision to die. This lawyer woman who looks after his case falls in love with his poems, writings and finally with him. He likes her too, however he thinks he s not capable of loving someone, because he is quadriplegic. This woman just loved him, they fantasised about each other, and that was it. Then they moved separate ways. That was the love story we were told during the movie.

The woman was able to understand him, because she wanted to kill herself many times. We learned that she s been having brain strokes, and eventually will become a vegetable. Fearing the future they both wanted to die, and that was what brought them together. The definition that healthy love is love when two people are independent and balanced and co exist without being too dependent on each other, is totally crap. I tend to be attracted to people if I can understand their motives for life, and when I start thinking that they have something that I do not have (although not true). This seems to be the rule of attraction.

Reading and thinking about healthy relationships lately, hehe

intro

2006-05-14T00:56:00.000+10:00

This is my first blog. the opening.
I am a PhD candidate. I am gay. I have a sense of humor. I used to be a clubber. I used to have a lotof gay friends/ and party friends. I realize now that choosing to do a PhD killed my social side a bit. Or Maybe I became wiser, I tend to invest in serious relationships more, which are relatively rare.

I have submitted my thesis a month ago. Waiting for my results. This is the first thing I can write because it has been my life for the last 2 years. I love the idea of being named as Dr. in front of my name. And as I was working towards to get this title, I realized that I ve have been enjoying doing this PhD more than my previous life. So this process of becoming, seemed to change my views and values. Maybe it is only about getting older :))

recently I have been thinking that I am becoming a boring academic. During the first two years I never thought I would be boring. I was still catching up with the party schedules, party friends, long night adventures, sex clubs and shags from chat. Well then I ve got into a long term relationship (2 years it is the longest), and became domestic. The intensity of the university work was doubled, I was also employed part time to work for a research project. All this demanded 60 hours a week. Sometimes I was able to give this time sometimes not. But then I realized when I do something intensely, it becomes more interesting and more exciting. I developed a passion for research.

Actually this developing passion is a recurring pattern. I developed a passion for music when I was 15. High school and University years I always wished that I could just play the piano without having to make money. I ve played as an amateur, had my Broadway Musicals group. Me as the Pianist and director , 2 girls and 2 boys singers, a base guitar, a violin, and a drummer (the drummer never came to rehearsals). I was trying to coordinate all those people, and we were not doing it for money, it was one performance on the stage, that was all everyone was after :)) And we did it, then everyone in the group had a fight, we never got together again.

Enough history. I will try to write about daily stuff. Thinking someone might read this blog...